Scenes with Freddy 62
[Otis and Pip are eating candy from their gift basket, while Abby, Bessy, Pig, Peck, and Duke are still inside the giant wooden moose.]
Man, this candy's good, isn't it?
Yeah, glad to hear it, Otis. Now, can you get us out of here, please? There's only one exit, and Pig's stuck in it.
This is so not shaboogie.
Uh, don't worry about it. Freddy'll have you out in no time.
[Freddy passes by with a ladder. He climbs up the wooden moose with the ladder.]
FreddyOkay, guys. This is my first moose, so close your eyes, pretend you're in a pencil cup, [holds up a chainsaw] and hope for the best! [starts cutting through the moose as the animals inside scream in horror]
[Otis and the animals are at the circus parade, standing behind the crowd of people.]
This stinks, I can't see a thing! [notices a water tower] Hey, let's climb that water tower and get a better view.
[The animals mutter with uncertainty.]
I can see fine from here.
Freddy
Too high.
[Otis sneaks behind the other animals, and imitates each of them.]
[imitates Pig] Good idea, Otis. [imitates Abby] Count me in! [imitates Freddy] I WANNA EAT PECK!!! [imitates Peck] What Freddy said was weird, but I also would like to climb that tower.
[The animals agree and head to the water tower.]
Well, since everyone else wants to.
Freddy
You got it!
[The animals are climbing the water tower.]
[grunts] Just a little bit higher, guys.
[A loud, low creaking noise is heard as the water tower shakes.]
Tell me that's your stomach.
[The water tower tips over. The animals scream as they fall off. The water tower crashes on the circus parade.]
Oh no, I smushed the circus!
[The crowd hears Otis, and turn around. They see the animals on all fours.]
Cock-a-doodle... eh, doo.
Freddy
Ferret, ferret!
Where have you guys been? We're on live in 20 minutes.
Sorry, Peck. Freddy tossed the limo driver out of the car.
Freddy
I told him not to look me in the eye. And would you please refer to me by my new name, this? [shows an abstract symbol on a piece of paper]
[spits out bottled water] What is this?! I specifically requested spring water from a Peruvian glacier. This is from some other dumb glacier!
[enters] Greetings, all. I'd like you to meet my entourage.
Freddy
Hey! How come he gets an entourage?!
Pig, that's not an entourage, that's just an old goat.
Yeah, well, that's one more goat than you got, sweetheart.
I could've gotten a goat. [the three start arguing] I can get a goat! I can get a goat any time...
So go get one. I don't see you getting a goat.
Freddy
I repeat, how come...
[enters in a flashy suit, top hat, and sunglasses, speaking in a British accent] Ahem! Hello, mates. Are you all ready for tonight's telly broadcast? Huh? What-what? Big Ben. Fish and chips.
Otis, what are you talking like a pirate for?
And what's with the new clothes? You're gonna upstage everyone!
Sorry, blokes. I can't hear ya. As it turns out, I'm a huge rock star, right on!
[Everyone starts arguing as Pip records.]
Freddy
Don't look me in the eyes.
Great stuff. Great stuff!
[Everyone keeps arguing.]
STOP IT!!! Just look at what success has done to us! [sobs] I thought we were all friends. I thought each of us contributed to our sound. Are you too self-centered to see that stardom... [voice breaking] ...is tearing us apart?
I'm sorry, what do you play again?
[normal voice] It's a thing that makes a noise. Why, it's clangy, is it?
Give us the first letter.
Is it bigger than a breadbox?
[fed up] That's it, I'm outta here! And I'm taking my triangle... with me!
Freddy
Oh, I got it! It's a triangle!
Wait! Peck, come on, don't run out on us now! [the door slams]
Those breadbox players are real whackjobs, aren't they?
You haven't seen your parents in 12 years? How come?
Freddy
Huh? No reason! I don't have some deep, dark secret I've been keeping from you for years, if that's what you're thinking! [everyone else stares at him in confusion] Stop looking at me! [runs off screaming]
AAll
Happy birthday, Freddy!
Freddy
You guys, you shouldn't have!
Don't be silly, Freddy. You're family. Oh, and speaking of family, we invited your parents and they're gonna be here any minute!
Freddy
[horrified] AAAAAAAAHHHH!!!
Wow, he really is surprised!
Freddy
Otis, my parents can NOT come here! You have to uninvite them!
Uninvite--? Freddy, they totally miss you. They can't wait to see you.
Freddy
[sobs] No, you don't understand! They're not like you and me!
Oh, now, everybody thinks their parents are a little weird, Freddy. Mine put ketchup on their hay.
Yeah, and mine think leprechauns are stealing their gold.
You see? Pig's parents are stupid and crazy.
[Freddy has shooed all the hens out of the henhouse to keep his parents from eating them.]
[unaware of Freddy's intentions] Freddy, what are you doing?! You know I don't like letting the hens out where predators could eat them!
Freddy
You're right! That would be terrible! [to his parents] Terribly delicious. [to Otis] Oh, why won't those predators leave our poor chick-chicks alone... [to his parents] ...with us, so we can eat them. [to Otis] 'Cause you know how I love to eat chic-- [pauses, then runs away screaming]
[After Freddy has interrupted his parents' slideshow by smashing the projector.]
Alright, Freddy, you got 10 seconds to explain why you're acting like such a blockhead!
Freddy
[sighs] I should have known I couldn't keep it a secret any longer. [picks up one of the slides] This is a traditional holiday dinner.
[looks at the slide] Yeah, so? It's just you and your folks sitting down to a delicious meal of--AAH, ROASTED ANIMAL!!! [shudders]
Freddy
Now do you get it?! My parents are freakish, deviant meat-eaters!
Can't believe it. They seemed so nice.
Freddy
Yeah, when they're not gorging on anything with gizzards and a beak! That's why I never told them about Peck.
[to the sheep] Guys, guys, have any of you seen Peck?
S2Sheep 2
Just now with your parents.
Freddy
Oh, no! They're gonna put him in the oven and baste him every 10 minutes until golden brown! [calmly] Then, a pinch of brown sugar to taste. For crispier skin, try rotating halfway through cooking time, and for--
Freddy
[back to panicking] I mean, we gotta save him!
Your parents are great, Fred! They were just giving me the most wonderful steam bath.
Freddy
Actually, Peck, they were about to cook you and eat you.
Well, sure. They were about to--[yells in shock] WITH THE COOKING AND THE EATING!!!
FMr. Ferret
Son, why are you calling tonight's dinner "Peck"?
Freddy
Guys, I have something to tell you.
Freddy
It's okay, Otis. I'm done lying. Mom, Dad, Peck isn't dinner. He's my best friend. And I'm not a voracious chicken-eater! I'm a vegetarian! [his parents gasp] And if you can't deal with that, then I say good day, sir! And Mrs. Sir.
FMr. Ferret
[angrily] Frederick, get over here right NOW... [warmly] ...and give your old man a hug.
Freddy
[hugs his father] You mean, you're not ashamed of me?
FMrs. Ferret
Oh, honey, of course we are.
FMr. Ferret
Ashamed and disgraced.
FMrs. Ferret
And don't forget humiliated.
FMr. Ferret
We'll probably have to change our names.
FMrs. Ferret
And I'm sure our neighbors will pelt us with trash.
FMr. Ferret
I know I would.
FMrs. Ferret
But as long as you're happy, dear, I guess we could learn to live with it.
FMr. Ferret
I suppose we owe your friend an apology. Sorry we almost ate you, Peck.
Ah, I can't stay mad at you guys.
Freddy
Group hug! [hugs his parents and Peck]
Okay, whoa, whoa, just whoa! Hold up. [to Freddy] Your parents eat farm animals, [to Freddy's parents] your kid is a vegetarian, [to Peck] your best friend's parents just tried to EAT you, AND YOU'RE ALL COOL WITH THAT?!
Freddy
Uh-huh.
[Searching for Pip after he ran away.]
Freddy
Oh, no! Look! Some ravenous hawk devoured him and spit out his pelt!
[The others gasp.]
Oh, it's too awful! Wait, give me that! That's just an old gray sock, Freddy.
Freddy
That's even worse! The hawk put him to work making casual sportswear!
Uh, Otis, can we not bring Freddy on any more search parties?
I know pronounce you man and--
[The crowd gasps as Everett plays a dramatic chord on the organ before fainting.]
Listen to me. I've always kept my cowbell wrapped in a newspaper from the day I was separated from my mom, but it's dated an entire year after Bessy's kid floated away. I can't be Bessy's son.
[The crowd gasps and mutters in shock as Everett plays another dramatic chord.]
Freddy
This can't be true!
I'm sorry, Bessy. I know you want your son back, but it's not me.
[Bessy looks sad at first, but then...]
Huh. Not what you'd usually say when your heart is breaking into a million pieces.
I didn't know what was worse, having you for a son, or being married to a rat.
Why, it sounds like a heavenly angel.
Freddy
Or a bewitching sorceress luring us to our doom!
Hey, maybe the angel and the sorceress had a kid.
Freddy
You mean a sorcer-angel?
No, more like an angel-ress.
[At the barn, Pig is attempting to hit a high note to break a glass bottle.]
If you can't break glass like that freak girl, we'll never win.
Aw, come on, Otis, I'm tired. My throat hurts.
No, it doesn't. That's your soft palate burning with the desire to win. Now try again!
Okay. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, laaaaaa...
Laaaaaaaaaaaaa--[chokes] Ow... Ooh... Ow...
Uh, Otis? I think he lost his voice!
[frantic] No! Don't you see? He did it! It's so high, it can only be heard by rodents and scorpions! Tell him, rodent!
[playing cards] I don't hear nothing. How about you?
SScorpion
[playing cards with Pip] Nope.
No, this isn't happening! Okay, don't panic, it's fine. You know what, it's fine. He still has a few hours to get his voice back.
Actually, he's due on stage in 20 minutes.
YOU AND YOUR TRUTH! Milk me, come on! [takes Pig]
Freddy
This won't end well.
Freddy
I'm there.
I love a good train wreck.
You got it! Who wants tater tinys? [a floating spatula smacks him all over his body] Ow, ooh, ow, ouch! You know, you could just say "no".
What? What are you talking about?
[The lights flicker, making the animals gasp.]
Um, that can easily be explained.
[The TV flickers, a toaster pops up toast, and a drinking bird rocks.]
That is somewhat less explainable.
[A ghastly shriek is heard.]
And that defies all known logic and reason. Welp, I'm off to Tibet. Good luck with everything!
Freddy
[climbs on Otis] Me too!
This has all the earmarks of a haunting. Otis, did anything weird happen while you were building your fun shack?
Weird? No. No, it was really easy, actually, after I removed this big, flat rock. [holds up said rock]
"Here Lies Winky". Otis, this is a tombstone!
Freddy
[terrified] A tombstone?! Otis, you woke up a g-g-g-g-g-- [Peck slaps him on the back] apparition!
[Everyone clamors in panic.]
Guys, guys, relax! There is no such things as ghosts.
[The tombstone floats out of Otis' hands and beats Otis on the head with itself.]
I'm guessing we have a ghost here. But I'm sure he is way more afraid of us than we are of him. [the tombstone hits him again]
[Peck and Freddy approach Krebs]
Freddy
We heard you're looking for Otis.
Otis is there, if you want him, you'd better go through us.
Hey, look, i don't want any...
Freddy
Stupid duck says what?
[Peck and Freddy laugh]
You're in for it now, beak-face. You know why? I'll tell you why. Because we were the barnyard's champion taunters six years running.
Look, look, guys, i just want to talk to Otis, you see, I recently-
Freddy
We know you are, but what are we?
[Peck and Freddy laugh again, then high-five each other]
I'm warning you, cut it out.
[The duo make goofy sounds, taunting Krebs. Krebs's head throbs and his eyes bulge up, turning bloodshot. He then blabbers and shakes with fury as Freddy and Peck look at each other, worried, then spins into a fight cloud]
Freddy
Run away! [he and Peck try to run away from the fight cloud, but Krebs yanks them in, beating them up; poking out] Mommy!
[Abby gasps; Peck and Freddy are thrown into the barn doors]
He can't do that to our friends. Come on fellas. [charges toward Krebs with Pig and Pip at his side]
No, don't! He'll tear you into pieces while enumerating the parts of your body in an insulting fashion!
[The trio leap and begin to attack Krebs, but are caught in the fight cloud]
NNarrator
Two-hundred and thirty minutes later...
[Krebs continues beating up Pig, Pip and Duke]
[laughing] Oh, mercy! Come for the stupidity, stay for the butt-whupping.
I can't just stand here... To the well! AAHHH, WELL! [jumps in the well]
Back at the Barnyard · 303 quotes
