Everyone, I thought you'd like to know that, well, how can I put this? I quit!
[The animals gasp.]
You can't quit! What do you mean, you quit?
Oh, look, Grammy's pies used to be about friendship and all the good times we had together. Now, it's all about, "Money, money, money! What can I buy, what can I buy?"
Well, look around! Duke's a mummy dog, Freddy's a complete whackjob--
FreddyBIRTHDAY!
The restaurant is sucking the fun out of our lives, you know? And I'm through with it, I'm gone, goodbye! [leaves the barn]
Well, so much for buying my own Italian soccer team.
Alright, Abby, you ready for your first driving lesson?
Good. Now, the most important thing you wanna remember-
What's this button do? [presses the button]
Well, those are the windshield wipers.
Ooh! What's this? [honks the horn]
[irritated] Shhh, Mrs. Beady will hear you!
Can you crank the A/C? My thighs are stickin' to the seat.
Hey, what if I punch this real hard?
[Abby punches the dashboard, causing the airbag to inflate]
Freddy
AAAH! The car's inflating its giant stink sack!
Hang on, I got it. [deflates the bag]
Freddy
Okay, Otis, she's hotwired and ready to go.
Nice job, buddy. Alright, Abby. Now put 'er in reverse, and give 'er some gas.
You got it! I'll try not to hit Mrs. Beady.
See, that's great. You're already thinking defensively. That's the first sign of a good--
BABarn Animals
[singing] Good riddance, Mrs. Beady! Good riddance, Mrs. Beady! Good riddance, Mrs. Beady-y-y-y-y-y...!
[singing] You nosy meddlesome crank!
[The animals cheer.]
This is one sweet deal. We get some much needed "us" time, and Mrs. Beady gets to make macaroni bracelets at Camp Drools-A-Lot.
[The animals laugh.]
Freddy
[worried] Oh, sure. If as she doesn't mind the straitjackets, the padded cells, the burly nurses force-feeding you applesauce...
What? Freddy, what are you talking about?
Freddy
And don't get me started on the shock therapy! Zzz-ding! Zzz-ding! Soup's on!
Ah, stop! What do you mean? Shock therapy? Why would anyone do that to her?
Otis, she said talking animals crashed her car. That sounds crazy to me, and I'm a talking animal.
Freddy
Zzz-ding!
This is awful, and it's all our fault. Mrs. Beady may be annoying, but she's still our friend. Neighbor. Well, lady. Alright, organism. It doesn't matter! We are breaking her out of Camp Hoo-Hoo! [the other animals look disappointed] Alright, after we eat the cake.
[The animals cheer.]
Hey, Freddy, this place isn't that bad. I mean, look, there's fresh fruit and TVs in every room.
Freddy
Oh, sure. First, they soften you up, then ZAP! They screw you into a light socket and use you read by! Zzz-ding!
I can't believe no one's responded yet.
Now, now, Otis, you can't expect a miracle to just zoom up out of nowhere.
[The Farmer's date, Ivana Sugardaddy, arrives in her car.]
Freddy
[looks up into the sky with his hands out] You can't expect a plate of boneless chicken to just drop out of nowhere! ...I'M WAITING!
Watch how a softer diffusion of light can completely change the--[the projector falls apart and crashes to the floor] Oh, that's the opposite of good.
Otis, what did you do?! You ruined the safety film!
[The animals cheer.]
Freddy
[panics] NO SAFETY FILM?! NO SAFETY FILM?! WE'LL NEVER BE SAFE AGAIN!!!
[Freddy steps on a rake that smacks him in the face. He pulls on a rope, dropping a heavy hay bale on him. He stumbles out of the barn, then gets trampled by a herd of elephants.]
Freddy
[pained] Medic.
Okay, here's the deal. I have one parachute, but I figure, if we all--[Freddy snatches the parachute from him]
Freddy
So long, suckers! [leaps out the barn, but is spun around the tornado screaming; then he is thrown back into the barn, smashing through a beam] A little help, suckers?
[Freddy imagines himself working at a cafe.]
Freddy
[pressing buttons on the coffee machine] Okay, so that's a half-caf, extra hot...
CCustomer
Quarter-caf, semi-hot.
Freddy
[nervous] Ex-quarter-hot, extra-half...
CCustomer
Quarter-caf, semi-hot, extra foam.
Freddy
Extra foam, extra half...
CCustomer
[irritated] Extra foam!
Freddy
[hysterical] EXTRA FOAM, SEMI-HOT, CAF QUARTER!!! [screams as the machine sprays foam on him]
[Pig has eaten all the corn.]
[weakly] Otis... Strange dream... Music... Corn everywhere. [his stomach gurgles and he groans] I don't feel well...
[sighs in disappointment]
Freddy
It probably isn't digested yet! We can still use it! [jumps on Pig's stomach] GIVE US BACK THAT CORN, YOU PINK CORN-GOBBLING BLIMP!
[The chickens have laid many eggs from being fed an energy drink made by the animals.]
Now that is what I call a grade A... [the egg blows up in his face] Uhhhh, what exactly did you put in the energy drink?
Freddy
[holding red sticks] And pepper!
[grabs the red sticks from Freddy] Those aren't pepper shakers. That's dynamite!
[Pig, Freddy, and Peck are disguised as sheep.]
Freddy
Baa.
Eh, bee-ee-ee. No, uh... Boo-oo-oo.
Sounds like a case of the nervous woolies. [drags Pig away] This calls for drastic measures.
Uh... Bonsai! Bloopity! Bollywood!
[to Otis, about Mrs. Beady] Nice going, dum-dum. 'Cause of you, we're all gonna have to move to the Yukon!
Freddy
I can't move to the Yukon! I'll be devoured by grizzly bears!
Eh, the wolverines'll probably get you first.
Freddy
Oh. Still, I hate moving.
[telling a scary story] And some say, when the moon is full, or really close to full... You know, like those times when you go, "Hey, look, it's a full moon," and somebody else goes, "No, man, it's not totally full. See the edge?" And you're like, whatever, dude, I can see the whole moon!
Oh, right. When the moon is pretty much full, you can still hear the shrieks of her helpless victims.
[The other animals, except Otis, react in fear to Pip's story.]
And that's why I hate veterinarians.
Pip, would you stop scaring them? I mean, you've never even been to the veterinarian.
Hey, I've never been hit by a meteor either, but I know it hurts.
Well, uh, enjoy your check-ups, folks, uh, I'll be in Guatemala.
Freddy
This veterinarian madwoman will KILL US ALL!!!
Back at the Barnyard · 303 quotes
