CMChubs Malone
[doing stand-up comedy] Thank you, you are all a wonderful audience. But tell me, what is the deal with broccoflower? It is neither broccoli, nor is it a flower. What is up with that? [the gophers laugh] Thank you! Is anyone here in a relationship? It's crazy, I tell you. You know what I'm talking about? [the gophers laugh]
FreddyUm, excuse me! Yeah, yeah. Hi, um... We don't get it.
[The gophers turn to the gang, shocked and offended.]
GGopher
You're gonna get it.
[Chubs snaps his fingers, and his bodyguards kick the animals out.]
CMChubs Malone
From now on, this is a gophers-only club!
What gives you the right to boss us around?
CMChubs Malone
My Fizzbin skills. [kisses his dice]
Oh, yeah?! Well, your... face is dumb! [Chubs throws his dice at Otis' face] Ow!
Freddy
So, Mr. Jinx, what's the hardest part about being a dummy?
JMr. Jinx
Why don't you ask your pal, Otis? He's the biggest moron I know!
[The crowd laughs.]
[laughs, then gets confused] Huh?
Freddy
But, I didn't...
JMr. Jinx
Hey, Peck! Some tree fungus just called! It wants its personality back!
[The crowd laughs as Peck is shocked. A horse spits out his water.]
JMr. Jinx
Why did the tubby, disgusting loser cross the road? To get away from Pig!
[The crowd laughs while Pig shows offense.]
Freddy, what's the big idea?! You could've killed me!
Freddy
It wasn't me! Mr. Jinx did it!
Oh, really? Interesting. Well, perhaps Mr. Jinx would like to meet my hoof puppet, Señor Popo. [high-pitched voice] Hi, I'm Señor Popo, and if you ever throw an anvil at Otis' head again, he'll mess you up!
Freddy
[gasps] Otis, your hoof puppet has a mind of its own too!
Freddy
[doing stand-up comedy] So the platypus says, "At these prices, you won't get many more!"
[The others laugh.]
Boy, these earplugs are great! I can't hear a word he's saying.
[louder] I said, these earplugs are great!
No, I won't date your grandmother!
I won't date Pig's grandma!
Thanks, I'm using a new shampoo!
Can't stand liver, won't eat ham, look out, stomach, here comes the shclam!
[The other animals scream, startled by Abby.]
Fellas, do you know why shclam looks and tastes like real clam?
A miracle of modern chemistry?
They zap it with a clam ray?
Freddy
They make it with love?
No! It's because shclam is clam! Look! [shows them Archie]
[The other animals gasp and yell in horror.]
[about the sign in front of the Farmer's house] Guys, it says "Welcome Buyers". Clearly, the farmer wishes to receive units of monetary currency in exchange for a gooder item currently in his possession, in this case, the farm.
[The others all talk at once in agreement.]
AAnnouncer
3 seconds later...
[The animals panic.]
[gasps] Where are we gonna live?!
Freddy
Everybody panic!
What if the new owners make us work as pack animals?!
What if they make us fight each other in gladitorial combat?!
[Seeing Otis' disguise.]
[gasps] Your lounge singer costume is terrifying!
Oh, are you a circus ringmaster?
Freddy
Or a late-night TV mattress salesman?
I got it! You're a rich dolphin trainer with a troubled past.
Oh, for... I'm supposed to be a real estate agent.
OOthers
[understanding] Oh...
[Beat.]
Freddy, that was amazing! I mean, I knew about the head-popping thing, but how'd you pull off the laser eyes?
Freddy
Well, I wanted my performance to be believable, so I went online and bought some real radioactive waste. [picks up a can of atomic waste and drinks it] Ahh. That's good waste!
[An Ask Dr. Pig segment starts.]
Hello, I'm Dr. Pig. What you just saw was a fictionalized account, intended to inspire humor. Drinking atomic waste will not give you super heat laser vision. Watch as I dispel this common myth. [he drinks some atomic waste] You see--
[Pig groans and growls as his eyes glow green. Pig bursts through the barn doors, having transformed into a giant, hulking green pig monster in purple shorts. He roars, and does a super jump across the barnyard. He sees some army helicopters overhead.]
Why army always hound Pig?! Pig smash! [he throws a tractor into the air, causing the helicopters to scatter] PIG SMASH YOU ALL! [roars]
[Cut back to the Ask Dr. Pig title card.]
AAnnouncer
The producers of Barnyard would like to apologize for the previous scene. Drinking atomic waste will neither give you heat laser vision, nor turn you into a hulking pig monster, as I will now demonstrate. [drinks atomic waste, then his voice gets higher in pitch] Oh, no. What's happening? I'm shrinking! Oh, why did I drink that atomic waste?! I never got to see Paris! AAAAH!
[An old lady on a scooter arrives at the barnyard.]
Good afternoon, old one! Let me guess, you're a buyer.
OOld lady
Why, yes, I am, young fella.
Fantastic. Hey, have a good look around, just, whatever you do... DON'T GO IN THE BARN!!!
OOld lady
What are you talking about?
Well, it's quite silly, really. I mean, hardly worth mentioning, but I will, anyway. You see, the barn has a teeny tiny... PORTAL TO THE UNDERWORLD!!!
[The barn doors open, revealing a ghastly green glow, showing Abby, Peck, Pig, and Freddy as shadowy figures with glowing red eyes.]
Freddy
No shoes, no service!
OOld lady
Oh, I'm not afraid of the underworld.
Well, I don't blame you for wanting to skedaddle-- WHA?! Oh, well, um... Did I mention this place is infested with... ZOMBIES?!
[Fake zombie arms controlled by the animals rise from the ground.]
AAnimals
Old lady brains...
OOld lady
Oh, dear, they're more afraid of us than we are of them.
[The "zombies" groan in disappointment as they sink back down.]
[shakes the old lady's scooter] IS THAT AN EARTHQUAKE?!
OOld lady
Really gets the blood flowin'!
AAnnouncer
4 hours later...
[holding locusts in his hand] We have locusts.
[The old lady picks the locusts out of Otis' hand and eats them, much to his shock and disgust.]
OOld lady
Them's good eatin'!
Why would you eat the... [groans] That's it! [removes his wig] I'm a talking cow!
OOld lady
Oh, well, we're all special in our own way.
[fed up] AUGH! I give up, you win! The place is yours, here, take the keys!
OOld lady
AAH, KEYS! My one true fear! Make it stop! MAKE IT STOP! [drives away]
[In the commitment den, Freddy, who is a fake spotted ferret, faces Inga]
Freddy
[to Inga; sliding a ring on her index finger] With this ring, I pledge my love.
[to Freddy; holding a bottle of barbecue sauce] With this barbecue, I pledge my love. [pours the sauce on Freddy]
Freddy
I love your quaint old-world customs. So are we married yet?
Almost...There's only one part of the ceremony...
There won't be a reception; female spotted ferrets eat Their mates' heads on their wedding night!
Freddy
Look, marriage is all about compromise. You give a little; she eats your head... [Inga eats his head and the animals scream; muffled] It's okay! Just a little love bite.
[The animals pull Freddy's back from Inga's mouth]
Abby, quick, the spot remover! [grunts] Now!
[Abby and uses the spot remover to spray off the fake spots]
Freddy
[muffled at Inga's mouth] Are we married yet?
[looking surprised] Huh? [from off-screen, she spits out his head; tumbling Freddy onto the side of the hole] Freddy, you're not a spotted ferret! You lied to me!
Freddy
Inga, I can explain.
[packing up] No! The wedding is off! And to think, I almost ate your head! [walks off sobbing]
Freddy
Baby, don't go! I can change!
[rushes to Freddy] Freddy, she was eating your head!
Freddy
We were working through that!
[walks up] Hey, where's the happy couple? We got you a panini press. [Freddy bawls hysterically as he walks away] I knew I should have gotten the fondue set.
[interrupting Snotty Boy from shooting earwax at the farm animals] Eugene!
[irritated] I'm... BUSY!!!
[talking through a megaphone] Come home! I have a wonderful surprise for you!
A surprise? I like surprises. [chuckles] You're lucky, cow.
[storms off] I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME!
[The animals all get up and groan from Snotty Boy's attack.]
Alright, is everyone okay?
Sorry, I can't hear you. I have wax in my ears, AND IT'S NOT MINE!
Freddy
He's not of this earth!
I don't like the sound of this "big surprise".
Freddy
I don't like the sound of vacuums!
Pip, could you please tell the weasel to pass the syrup?
Dude, leave me out of this.
Freddy
Pip, you tell that mistake of nature he can have the syrup after he passes me the salt.
Oh, well, in that case, no.
Tell him only idiots eat pancakes with salt.
[A meter reader visiting the barnyard is horrified to discover the animals walking and talking.]
MRMeter reader
Talking animals! I saw you! You animals were walking, and talking, and playing an obscure form of golf!
Sir, calm down. We are not talking animals. We're... um... you know.
Freddy
Fruit cup distributors!
Oh, I know! We're imaginary brain pixies, and only you can see us. Nailed it.
[Otis sighs and pulls a rope, dropping a hay bale on the meter reader's head.]
MRMeter reader
Head hurting. Memory of recent events fading.
Freddy
Otis! Otis! I figured out what the whale's been saying. He's saying, "chase me."
"Chase me"? He must think this is some sort of game. How do you say, "please give our friends back" in whale?
Freddy
Oh, that's easy It's-- [eaten by Schmoozy]
WOULD YOU STOP EATING MY FRIENDS?! At least your still safe, Peck!
Yeah, knock wood- [knocks the TNT and explodes while he Screams and the ship begans to sink]
Okay, that was kind of our fault, but this general predicament an still be largely attributable to you! Schmoozy!
Back at the Barnyard · 303 quotes
