Pig quotes from Back at the Barnyard

Pig

How's that new appendix working for ya?

Oh, hey, guys! Funny story about the appendix. Turns out, it's a totally useless organ, so I sold it, and used the money to buy extra thumbs!

Hey, look at me, I'm Extra Thumb Man! Oh, Buttertown, we raise our thumbs on high! Who wants to wrestle?

Otis

[about the sign in front of the Farmer's house] Guys, it says "Welcome Buyers". Clearly, the farmer wishes to receive units of monetary currency in exchange for a gooder item currently in his possession, in this case, the farm.

Abby

I get it.

Peck

That makes sense.

3 seconds later...

Abby

[gasps] Where are we gonna live?!

Pig

That's not good!

Freddy

Everybody panic!

Otis

What's to become of us?!

Pig

What if the new owners make us work as pack animals?!

Peck

What if they eat us?!

Abby

What if they make us fight each other in gladitorial combat?!

Abby

[gasps] Your lounge singer costume is terrifying!

Otis

I'm not a lounge singer.

Peck

Oh, are you a circus ringmaster?

Freddy

Or a late-night TV mattress salesman?

Pig

I got it! You're a rich dolphin trainer with a troubled past.

Otis

Oh, for... I'm supposed to be a real estate agent.

[understanding] Oh...

Pig

Can you train dolphins?

Otis

Freddy, that was amazing! I mean, I knew about the head-popping thing, but how'd you pull off the laser eyes?

Freddy

Well, I wanted my performance to be believable, so I went online and bought some real radioactive waste. [picks up a can of atomic waste and drinks it] Ahh. That's good waste!

Pig

Hello, I'm Dr. Pig. What you just saw was a fictionalized account, intended to inspire humor. Drinking atomic waste will not give you super heat laser vision. Watch as I dispel this common myth. [he drinks some atomic waste] You see--

Pig

Why army always hound Pig?! Pig smash! [he throws a tractor into the air, causing the helicopters to scatter] PIG SMASH YOU ALL! [roars]

The producers of Barnyard would like to apologize for the previous scene. Drinking atomic waste will neither give you heat laser vision, nor turn you into a hulking pig monster, as I will now demonstrate. [drinks atomic waste, then his voice gets higher in pitch] Oh, no. What's happening? I'm shrinking! Oh, why did I drink that atomic waste?! I never got to see Paris! AAAAH!

Abby

Okay, here's a Spotted Ferrets website.

Otis

Awesome! What does it say?

Abby

Let's see. It says on her wedding day, the lady spotted ferret builds a commitment den.

Aww.

Abby

Then the male gussy himself up for the ceremonial courtship dance.

Aww.

Abby

And following the dance, she eats her mate's head.

Otis

Uhh...

Pig

Okay, what are we going to get them?

Otis

Holy Cud! She's gonna eat Freddy's head!

Pig

Huh. So I guess the hat is off.

Peck

No wonder she's the only spotted ferret left! She's a head eater!

Otis

There won't be a reception; female spotted ferrets eat Their mates' heads on their wedding night!

Freddy

Look, marriage is all about compromise. You give a little; she eats your head... [Inga eats his head and the animals scream; muffled] It's okay! Just a little love bite.

Otis

Grab him!

Peck

Come on!

Pip

Dude, she has lockjaw.

Otis

Abby, quick, the spot remover! [grunts] Now!

Freddy

[muffled at Inga's mouth] Are we married yet?

[looking surprised] Huh? [from off-screen, she spits out his head; tumbling Freddy onto the side of the hole] Freddy, you're not a spotted ferret! You lied to me!

Freddy

Inga, I can explain.

[packing up] No! The wedding is off! And to think, I almost ate your head! [walks off sobbing]

Freddy

Baby, don't go! I can change!

Otis

[rushes to Freddy] Freddy, she was eating your head!

Freddy

We were working through that!

Pig

[walks up] Hey, where's the happy couple? We got you a panini press. [Freddy bawls hysterically as he walks away] I knew I should have gotten the fondue set.

[interrupting Snotty Boy from shooting earwax at the farm animals] Eugene!

Snotty Boy

[irritated] I'm... BUSY!!!

[talking through a megaphone] Come home! I have a wonderful surprise for you!

Snotty Boy

A surprise? I like surprises. [chuckles] You're lucky, cow.

EUGENE!

Snotty Boy

[storms off] I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME!

Otis

Alright, is everyone okay?

Peck

Sorry, I can't hear you. I have wax in my ears, AND IT'S NOT MINE!

Pip

I hate that kid!

Abby

He's inhuman!

Freddy

He's not of this earth!

Pig

He's a monster!

Peck

[can't hear] What?

Otis

I don't like the sound of this "big surprise".

Freddy

I don't like the sound of vacuums!

Pip

You're not bright.

Folks, a one-eyed doodlebug can see that this barnyard is rife with emotional tension.

Otis

What?! That's crazy.

Abby

Yeah, we're like family.

Bingo. Families are like a beekeeper with his hair on fire. You can't tell him what for, and if'n you do, he'll ask you for change!

Pip

What?

[about Pig] Okay, for example, this little feller right here uses pancakes to smother the sad clown inside his heart.

Pig

[cries] It's true! Oh, it's true! [falls to the floor, and notices a stray pancake] Oh, finders keepers. [eats the pancake]

[about Pip] And this little feller lives in the shadow of a best friend with whom he could never hope to compete.

Otis

Is that true, Pip?

Pip

I'm not just a sidekick. I'm a person! OH, SWEET CHEESE! IT HURTS!

[to Otis and Abby] And you two are mired in the pasty quicksand of your ongoing romantic tension.

Otis

I don't secretly love you!

Abby

Me either!

Now, I always say you can't know a person until you walk around in his shoes and felt the searing pain of his bunions.

Pig

Uh, question, what if the "shoes" belong to a circus clown?

It was only a figure of speech, son.

Pig

Ah. [picks up clown shoes] Then I won't need these. [throws the shoes away]

Talking animals! I saw you! You animals were walking, and talking, and playing an obscure form of golf!

Otis

Sir, calm down. We are not talking animals. We're... um... you know.

Freddy

Fruit cup distributors!

Otis

No, we're...

Abby

Sassy improv comics.

Otis

That is not helpful.

Pig

Oh, I know! We're imaginary brain pixies, and only you can see us. Nailed it.

Head hurting. Memory of recent events fading.

Abby

Otis, I can't believe that phony Big Bones is getting the credit for your mustache recipe.

Otis

Mmm. Who cares? Freddy's imitation rooster is awesome!

Pip

Hey, wait a minute. Where's Peck?

Otis

AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!

Pig

AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!

Abby

AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!

[monotone] Aaaaaaaaahhhh.

Pip

AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!

Peck

Hey, guys. What's doin'?

Pig

Phew!

Otis

I don't even wanna tell you what we were thinking.

Freddy

That the secret ingredient in tofrooster is dandruff? How'd you guess?

Otis

AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!

Pig

AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!

Abby

AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!

[monotone] Aaaaaaaaahhhh.

Pip

AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!

[still suffering from indigestion] AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!

[singing opera] Aaaaaaaaaahhh!

Otis

So how much longer do you think before he grows out of it?

Abby

According to the book, four to six years.

Otis

WHAAAA?!

Pig

And we both reached for the blueberry juice at the same time! [he, Freddy, and Peck laugh]

Pig

[devastated] Mr. Wiggleplix! NOOOOOOOOO...!!!

Peck

Friends, we're gathered here remember Mr. Wiggleplix. He lived a short, full life until Otis crushed him with an anvil.

Otis

I didn't! [growls]

Abby

Otis, since you often, maybe you'd like to say a few words.

Otis

Um, yeah those words would be "no".

Pig

[cries]

Abby

Otis, you've got to! It says so in "What to Do Your Friend's Imaginary Friend's Funeral"!

Otis

Oh, okay, fine. [gets up and walks to the "R.I.P. Mr. Wiggleplix" sign] Uh... Mr. Wiggleplix was transparent. I, for one, will never forget how I was never able to see any type of physical manifestation of this... [looks at the sign] uh, giant top hatted koala.

Pig

Hedgehog! He was a giant HEDGEHOG!!! [runs away in tears]

Otis

Well, draw better!

Freddy

[sarcastic] Nice, Otis!

Pip

Yeah, first, you off his friend, then you call him a filthy koala!

Otis

Oh, okay, first, I never said filthy. And second, HE DOES NOT EXIST!

Otis

Wow, saving that race of mole people from those giant evil bloodworms at the center of the Earth was cool!

Peck

Definitely one of our better adventures.

Abby

I still can't believe they made Pig their emperor.

Pig

I abused my power and I learned nothing.

Freddy

Look at her beady, little eyes, her furrowed brow, her cruel hateful beak.

Peck

Freddy, you're looking at me.

Freddy

I KNOW WHAT YOU DID!

Abby

Guys, Bessy's my best friend. I refuse to believe she stole those paintings.

Otis

Well, there's only one way to find out.

Pig

Confront her with what we saw?

Otis

No way! You remember the last time we tried to confront her with something?

Pip

Alert the authorities?

Otis

Ha! You remember the last time we tried to alert the authorities?

Abby

Maybe we should forget the whole thing and go about our business.

Otis

You remember the last time we tried to forget the whole thing and go about our business?