[Pig - disguised as Snotty Boy - has seen an amnesiac Snotty Boy at the door.]
Did I hear someone at the door?
Pig[blocking the door] No, no! What door? We don't have any doors.
[moves Pig aside] Oh, don't you be such a little silly-willy-billy-dilly-billy. [opens the door]
Good afternoon, ma'am. The nice theater troupe man said I'm your nephew.
Sweetums, why are you outside, when you are standing right next to me? [sees Pig] AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!
Pig
AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!
Pig
Auntie Nora, he's clearly an imposter. He's probably one of those talking animals from next door in disguise.
Yes. That's the only explanation. He's not even wearing proper clothes. [to Snotty Boy] Get out of here, you camel or whatever you are. Scoot, or I'll call the police! GET OUT!!! [shuts out Snotty Boy]
Sorry to have troubled you! Have a nice day!
[Pig is horrified to see that Pip has cleaned his stall]
Surprise! It took me three hours to clean it.
Pig
[crying] No!
No, don't cry, I wanted to do it!
Pig
[angry] GET OUT!
Pig
Do you know how long it took me to get my stall that filthy, huh? Years and years of grime and squalor down the drain!
B-But I just thought that-
[Pig wails, then becomes horrified when he sees something]
Pig
[hysterical] OH, NO! MY CRUSTY BLANKIE! IT'S ALL SOFT AND CLEAN! Get out! G-G-GET OUT!
[Searching for Pip after he ran away.]
Oh, no! Look! Some ravenous hawk devoured him and spit out his pelt!
[The others gasp.]
Oh, it's too awful! Wait, give me that! That's just an old gray sock, Freddy.
That's even worse! The hawk put him to work making casual sportswear!
Pig
Uh, Otis, can we not bring Freddy on any more search parties?
Pig
I know pronounce you man and--
[The crowd gasps as Everett plays a dramatic chord on the organ before fainting.]
Listen to me. I've always kept my cowbell wrapped in a newspaper from the day I was separated from my mom, but it's dated an entire year after Bessy's kid floated away. I can't be Bessy's son.
[The crowd gasps and mutters in shock as Everett plays another dramatic chord.]
I'm sorry, Bessy. I know you want your son back, but it's not me.
[Bessy looks sad at first, but then...]
Huh. Not what you'd usually say when your heart is breaking into a million pieces.
I didn't know what was worse, having you for a son, or being married to a rat.
Pig
So, Otis, who do you think I'm up against in tomorrow's finals?
Who cares? I'm telling you, Pig. This thing's a lot.
[On stage, the female singer hits a sustained high note that breaks Hilly's glasses, a glass of water, the backstage TV, then all the lights backstage.]
AAudience
[offscreen] Wow!
Pig
But you said--
[At the barn, Pig is attempting to hit a high note to break a glass bottle.]
If you can't break glass like that freak girl, we'll never win.
Pig
Aw, come on, Otis, I'm tired. My throat hurts.
No, it doesn't. That's your soft palate burning with the desire to win. Now try again!
Pig
Okay. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, laaaaaa...
Pig
Laaaaaaaaaaaaa--[chokes] Ow... Ooh... Ow...
Uh, Otis? I think he lost his voice!
[frantic] No! Don't you see? He did it! It's so high, it can only be heard by rodents and scorpions! Tell him, rodent!
[playing cards] I don't hear nothing. How about you?
SScorpion
[playing cards with Pip] Nope.
No, this isn't happening! Okay, don't panic, it's fine. You know what, it's fine. He still has a few hours to get his voice back.
Actually, he's due on stage in 20 minutes.
YOU AND YOUR TRUTH! Milk me, come on! [takes Pig]
I love a good train wreck.
Pig
You got it! Who wants tater tinys? [a floating spatula smacks him all over his body] Ow, ooh, ow, ouch! You know, you could just say "no".
What? What are you talking about?
[The lights flicker, making the animals gasp.]
Um, that can easily be explained.
[The TV flickers, a toaster pops up toast, and a drinking bird rocks.]
That is somewhat less explainable.
[A ghastly shriek is heard.]
And that defies all known logic and reason. Welp, I'm off to Tibet. Good luck with everything!
This has all the earmarks of a haunting. Otis, did anything weird happen while you were building your fun shack?
Weird? No. No, it was really easy, actually, after I removed this big, flat rock. [holds up said rock]
"Here Lies Winky". Otis, this is a tombstone!
[terrified] A tombstone?! Otis, you woke up a g-g-g-g-g-- [Peck slaps him on the back] apparition!
Pig
Oh, that means ghost!
[Everyone clamors in panic.]
Guys, guys, relax! There is no such things as ghosts.
[The tombstone floats out of Otis' hands and beats Otis on the head with itself.]
I'm guessing we have a ghost here. But I'm sure he is way more afraid of us than we are of him. [the tombstone hits him again]
Dude, for the last time, what's bugging you?
Ugh, fine! I got a letter today from Krouser Krebs.
Pig
Krouser Krebs? I've never heard of him.
You've never heard of him? Check out this flashback. [a flashback shows Otis as a calf wearing a propeller hat] Not a day would go by when I wasn't bullied by Krebs.
[singing] La-la-la-la-la, someday my head will fit my body
[Suddenly, Krebs's shadow looms over him]
[voiceover] Well, well, well. If it isn't Beef Boy. Time to take a stroll down the meat aisle. [punches Otis from offscreen] T-bone, rump roast, filet, sirloin... [laughs] Now let's see what we got in the dairy section.
No, no, not the dairy section.
2%, 1%, half and half... [laughs] Why are you squirting yourself? Stop squirting yourself. Clean up on aisle 3. [laughs] See you tomorrow, Beef Boy. [walks off]
[Back in reality]
Clean up on aisle 3. Clean up on aisle 3. [sighs] Krebs found me and he's coming for me at 10 A.M. tomorrow.
Pig
[looks at the watch] It's almost 10. Krebs will be here any minute.
And I'm so ready! [the others cheer] Yeah, I got my bags all packed and my flight leaves in two hours.
[voiceover] Yo, Beef Boy.
[As Otis hides behind Abby, Krebs approaches closer and his shadow becomes small revealing that he is actually a duck. Krebs quacks. The other animals are confused]
Hang on a minute. Where's Krebs?
What do you mean "where's Krebs"? He's standing right there.
Pig
You mean, uh, behind the duck?
Otis? No, I haven't seen him.
No, not behind the duck, Krebs is the duck!
[The others look at Otis, gaze at Krebs for a moment, then laugh]
[In a clip called "Ask Dr. Pig"]
Pig
Hello, I'm Dr. Pig, and I'm here with the word about bullying. Bullying is a misdirected attempt at attention rooted in anger and frustration. [Krebs bursts through the wall and starts beating him up] Ow! Hey, I'm a doctor! Don't hurt me! Help! [Krebs throws him, leaving a hole-shape of himself in the wall of the barn] Whoa! Oof!
[After Otis loses the saloon to Chubs Malone.]
Yeah, you really broke the needle on the moron meter this time!
[The animals all berate Otis at once.]
Pig
Guys, come on, please. There's no need to turn into an angry mob. Let's just line up one at a time and pummel Otis in an orderly fashion.
Pig
Termites?!
They were controlling the dummy all along!
But why, termites? What'd we ever do to you?
TMTermite Mayor
Hello?! The tree you made the dummy from was our home! When you destroyed it, we vowed vengeance!
Awkward! Still, did you have to go on a psychopathic rampage? That is so inappropriate.
TMTermite Mayor
Yeeaah, you're right. We went too far, but you know.
[doing stand-up comedy] So the platypus says, "At these prices, you won't get many more!"
[The others laugh.]
Pig
Boy, these earplugs are great! I can't hear a word he's saying.
Pig
[louder] I said, these earplugs are great!
No, I won't date your grandmother!
I won't date Pig's grandma!
Thanks, I'm using a new shampoo!
Otis, does Pig seem to be acting odd to you?
Pig, odd? What are you talking about?
Pig
Butter churn, I can no longer resist your charms. Hold me.
Abby, what Pig and the butter churn have is beautiful, and I won't let you destroy it. [Pig kisses the butter churn] Okay, now it's getting weird.
Hey, Pig. You feelin' alright?
Pig
[suddenly angry] WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN, HUH?! No one talks to me like that! [Duke screams] Oh, it's over, Rover!
[Duke runs screaming with Pig on top of his head.]
Pig
"ANGRY?!" YOU BET I'M ANGRY! I AM SO ANGRY!
Pig
[dismounts Duke and hugs him sadly] Oh, Duke! I'm so lonely... [strangles Duke] NOW, I'M ANGRY AGAIN! VERY, VERY ANGRY!
Pig
Hey, Otis, aren't you worried about walking and talking in front of this guy?
Don't worry. That's my buddy, Crazy Louie. He's a little... Um...
[dancing and singing] I like eggs, I like eggs! [higher voice] I like eggs, I like eggs!
Pig
Crazy?
I was gonna say "stark-raving gazonkers".
Back at the Barnyard · 303 quotes
