[Bessy is seemingly about to have her brain harvested.]
OtisWait, wait, wait, don't do it! Please, she's our friend.
She's the love of my life. We're going to have beautiful cow-mouse babies together.
Hmm? [shakes her head] Mm-mm!
Otis
And she's a good person. I mean, sure, she yells a lot, and she insults me, like, 24/7, and snores like a sailor, and...
Otis
But we still like her is the point. I don't want to be on the farm without her.
?"Alien"
You convinced me! Your brain, it is!
Otis
Watch how a softer diffusion of light can completely change the--[the projector falls apart and crashes to the floor] Oh, that's the opposite of good.
Otis, what did you do?! You ruined the safety film!
[The animals cheer.]
[panics] NO SAFETY FILM?! NO SAFETY FILM?! WE'LL NEVER BE SAFE AGAIN!!!
[Freddy steps on a rake that smacks him in the face. He pulls on a rope, dropping a heavy hay bale on him. He stumbles out of the barn, then gets trampled by a herd of elephants.]
[The Farmer is sent to the hospital from the tractor accident.]
Otis
This is terrible! What have I done?!
Well, let's review. You interrupted Peck's yoga class, did a lame Stumpity Joe impression, and... oh, right. YOU BROKE THE FARMER!!!
[At the milking machine...]
Otis
So, how are we doing on the milk, gals? [sees empty buckets] What? What's going on? We should be snorkeling in milk by now.
Look, no one but the farmer is clamping any electric doohickeys to my milk-giving areas.
Otis
Bessy, my bashful bovine, it couldn't be safer. Here, let me demonstrate. [fits the hose on his udders] Put these on...
Otis, that's not how it looks in the instructions.
Otis
Relax, I've seen the farmer do this, like, a hundred times. Okay, turn it on, turn it on.
Okay, you're the boss. [turns the dial, turning the machine on]
Otis
Mm-hm. Oh, it's quite, pleasant, actually. It's like a gentle tug. [chuckles, then starts to feel uncomfortable] Okay, slightly less gentle now. [yells in pain] AAH, OH! MY UDDERS... ARE... ON... FIRE!!!
[mishearing Otis saying "fire"] Higher? You got it! [turns the dial up higher]
[Otis screams hysterically in pain and tries to pull the hose off of his udders.]
Otis
[shrilly] TURN IT OFF!!!
[Otis yanks the hose off of his udders and he falls to the floor. Pip turns down the dial, turning off the machine.]
Otis
[moans in pain]
[laughs] That is one funny milking machine!
Otis
[high voice] Guys, I'm gonna need some private time. [crawls across the floor]
[Pig has eaten all the corn.]
[weakly] Otis... Strange dream... Music... Corn everywhere. [his stomach gurgles and he groans] I don't feel well...
Otis
[sighs in disappointment]
It probably isn't digested yet! We can still use it! [jumps on Pig's stomach] GIVE US BACK THAT CORN, YOU PINK CORN-GOBBLING BLIMP!
[The chickens have laid many eggs from being fed an energy drink made by the animals.]
Otis
Now that is what I call a grade A... [the egg blows up in his face] Uhhhh, what exactly did you put in the energy drink?
Otis
And?
[holding red sticks] And pepper!
Otis
[grabs the red sticks from Freddy] Those aren't pepper shakers. That's dynamite!
Otis
[chased by his opponent during the first fighting match] AAH! MAD COW, MAD COW!
Now, this-- [Otis gets punched] ...is entertainment! Pass the popcorn.
Oh, I can't look! It's too much for my delicate constitution. GET HIM, OTIS! TEAR HIM TO SHREDS!
Otis
Duke's family, I mean, he's like the crazy uncle we never had.
Right... I never had a crazy uncle.
[Flashback to a younger Abby with her crazy uncle.]
ASAbby's Crazy Uncle
The Easter Bunny has betrayed me! We'll have to close the beaches! You can't close the beaches, we're a summer town! GET THESE TURTLES OUTTA MY HEAD, PLEASE! And, Lindy! [dances and scats]
[to Otis, about Mrs. Beady] Nice going, dum-dum. 'Cause of you, we're all gonna have to move to the Yukon!
I can't move to the Yukon! I'll be devoured by grizzly bears!
Eh, the wolverines'll probably get you first.
Otis
Good point.
Oh. Still, I hate moving.
[After Otis switched out the tape showing the animals with Mrs. Beady's exercise tape.]
GGoraldo
[stammering] There were talking animals on that tape, I swear.
That's what they do, Goraldo. They spin their little webs and make you look like the crazy one.
GGoraldo
[hysterical] Ladies and gentlemen, you have to believe me!
Otis
Well, it appears that Goraldo's lack of talent has finally bitten him in the face like a poisonous snake of failure.
GGoraldo
Th-the cow is their leader! There's a wisecracking mouse! The ferret and the rooster live together!
CCameraman
[at the door with two asylum officers] He's over there.
GGoraldo
[the asylum officers take him away] I'm not insane! The talking animals are here! THEY'RE HERE!
Otis
Well, there you have it, folks. A mustache, a dancy-pants lady, and a broken dream. This has been Hard Time with Gil O'Whatever-I-Said-Before. Good night, wishing you hugs and chocolate.
[telling a scary story] And some say, when the moon is full, or really close to full... You know, like those times when you go, "Hey, look, it's a full moon," and somebody else goes, "No, man, it's not totally full. See the edge?" And you're like, whatever, dude, I can see the whole moon!
Otis
Pip, please.
Oh, right. When the moon is pretty much full, you can still hear the shrieks of her helpless victims.
[The other animals, except Otis, react in fear to Pip's story.]
And that's why I hate veterinarians.
Otis
Pip, would you stop scaring them? I mean, you've never even been to the veterinarian.
Hey, I've never been hit by a meteor either, but I know it hurts.
Well, uh, enjoy your check-ups, folks, uh, I'll be in Guatemala.
This veterinarian madwoman will KILL US ALL!!!
Otis
Guess I'm first. Check it out guys, won't even break a sweat.
There goes one brave cow.
Oh, aren't you a big sweetie Okay honey, I'm just going to do a little looky-loo, yeah, that's all. [snaps glove suggestively] Mm-hm.
Otis
Moo? [wails in pain as animals watch on in horror]
Back at the Barnyard · 303 quotes
