Otis quotes from Back at the Barnyard

Otis

I... I've only got a week to live?

Abby

Oh, my goodness, Otis. I am so sorry.

Otis

But... That's impossible. I feel fine. Although, you know, I've been getting a little tired around bedtime lately, and I seem to lose my appetite after heavy meals, and dry grass has really lost its flavor-- OH, MILK ME, IT'S TRUE! I'M DYING! [runs away sobbing]

Pip

Boy, dying really seems to bum him out.

Otis

I don't understand. And I've done everything I've always dreamed of. Swum with dolphins, grown a goatee, brought peace to the Baltic nations, married an ice cream cone, I directed a reality show, I was a sad clown in a French circus. Why do I still feel empty inside?

Oh, yeah, bro!

Dude, we forgot to go to work today.

Dude, we got fired a week ago!

Aaa... awesome!

Doodly-doodly-doo-doo! [resume riding the handcar]

So totally! We're pumpin'! We're pumpin'!

Otis

[gets back on his feet] How could have I been so blind? Life's not about the stupid stuff you do. It's about the stupid stuff you do with your friends. I'm comin' guys! I'm comin'!

[sighs] I'm glad you're not dead.

Duke

And we aren't leaving your side until you get better pal.

Pip

Dr. Glove is back!

Hey, sweetie, how's my big sweetie, okay? I'm just going to do a little check poo. [snaps glove suggestively]

Otis

Moo? [begins screaming hysterically off camera]

Otis

[riding on a motorcycle shocked about himself and Pip being mistaken for real moose by bikers] What the cud? Didn't they see we're moose? We're moose!

Pip

[trying to get Otis' attention] Uh-- Uh, Otis. I think Moose Appreciation Week might be over.

Otis

What are you talking about?

Pip

[points out a billboard] Check out that sign.

Otis

Moose Hunting Season starts today? AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!

Otis

[after crashing the motorcycle] Okay, that was not awesome. New plan. We get these antlers off, and never do anything I say again.

Otis

What'd you put on these, glue?

Pip

No, I used pastrami. OF COURSE, I USED GLUE, STUPIDHEAD!!!

Otis

Man, this candy's good, isn't it?

Duke

Yeah, glad to hear it, Otis. Now, can you get us out of here, please? There's only one exit, and Pig's stuck in it.

Pig

This is so not shaboogie.

Abby

Shaboopie!

Otis

Uh, don't worry about it. Freddy'll have you out in no time.

Freddy

Okay, guys. This is my first moose, so close your eyes, pretend you're in a pencil cup, [holds up a chainsaw] and hope for the best! [starts cutting through the moose as the animals inside scream in horror]

Otis

This stinks, I can't see a thing! [notices a water tower] Hey, let's climb that water tower and get a better view.

Abby

I can see fine from here.

Freddy

Too high.

Otis

[imitates Pig] Good idea, Otis. [imitates Abby] Count me in! [imitates Freddy] I WANNA EAT PECK!!! [imitates Peck] What Freddy said was weird, but I also would like to climb that tower.

Pig

Well, since everyone else wants to.

Pip

I'm down.

Peck

Let's do it.

Freddy

You got it!

Abby

I'm in.

Otis

[grunts] Just a little bit higher, guys.

Otis

Pig?

Pig

Yeah.

Otis

Tell me that's your stomach.

Pig

Uh, it's not me.

Otis

Milk me.

Otis

Oh no, I smushed the circus!

Abby

Moo.

Pig

Oink, oink.

Peck

Cock-a-doodle... eh, doo.

Freddy

Ferret, ferret!

Abby

Otis, I need to talk to you for a minute.

Otis

You got it, star performer, without whom, we have no show!

Abby

Otis, I can't do the triple flipperoo.

Otis

[shocked] What? But you said you could! Wow, what a liar.

Abby

No, I mean, I won't do it. Not after... that terrible night. [looks up]

Otis

What's over there? What are you looking at?

One! Two! Three!

Abby... WHYYY...?!

Abby

And it was all my fault.

Otis

Wow. So did he...

Abby

Get horribly injured? No. He was okay, though he still smiles at the wrong things.

Otis

[about to fall from the trapeze with Pig] I'm sorry, Pig. I never should have asked you to do this.

Pig

I think we'll be okay as long as we hit the net.

Otis

Um... Yeah, listen...

Pig

There is no net, is there?

Otis

Not really, no.

Peck

Where have you guys been? We're on live in 20 minutes.

Abby

Sorry, Peck. Freddy tossed the limo driver out of the car.

Freddy

I told him not to look me in the eye. And would you please refer to me by my new name, this? [shows an abstract symbol on a piece of paper]

Abby

[spits out bottled water] What is this?! I specifically requested spring water from a Peruvian glacier. This is from some other dumb glacier!

Pig

[enters] Greetings, all. I'd like you to meet my entourage.

'Sup?

Freddy

Hey! How come he gets an entourage?!

Abby

Pig, that's not an entourage, that's just an old goat.

Pig

Yeah, well, that's one more goat than you got, sweetheart.

Abby

I could've gotten a goat. [the three start arguing] I can get a goat! I can get a goat any time...

Pig

So go get one. I don't see you getting a goat.

Freddy

I repeat, how come...

Otis

[enters in a flashy suit, top hat, and sunglasses, speaking in a British accent] Ahem! Hello, mates. Are you all ready for tonight's telly broadcast? Huh? What-what? Big Ben. Fish and chips.

Abby

Otis, what are you talking like a pirate for?

Pig

And what's with the new clothes? You're gonna upstage everyone!

Otis

Sorry, blokes. I can't hear ya. As it turns out, I'm a huge rock star, right on!

Freddy

Don't look me in the eyes.

Pip

Great stuff. Great stuff!

Peck

STOP IT!!! Just look at what success has done to us! [sobs] I thought we were all friends. I thought each of us contributed to our sound. Are you too self-centered to see that stardom... [voice breaking] ...is tearing us apart?

Pig

I'm sorry, what do you play again?

Otis

[normal voice] It's a thing that makes a noise. Why, it's clangy, is it?

Pig

Give us the first letter.

Abby

Is it a tuba?

Otis

Is it made out of a car?

Pip

I can rewind the tape.

Abby

Is it bigger than a breadbox?

Otis

Oh, it's a breadbox!

Peck

[fed up] That's it, I'm outta here! And I'm taking my triangle... with me!

Freddy

Oh, I got it! It's a triangle!

Pig

Triangle. Oh...

Abby

That was it!

Otis

Wait! Peck, come on, don't run out on us now! [the door slams]

Pig

Those breadbox players are real whackjobs, aren't they?

Pip

Expensive, too.

Otis

You haven't seen your parents in 12 years? How come?

Freddy

Huh? No reason! I don't have some deep, dark secret I've been keeping from you for years, if that's what you're thinking! [everyone else stares at him in confusion] Stop looking at me! [runs off screaming]

Happy birthday, Freddy!

Freddy

You guys, you shouldn't have!

Otis

Don't be silly, Freddy. You're family. Oh, and speaking of family, we invited your parents and they're gonna be here any minute!

Freddy

[horrified] AAAAAAAAHHHH!!!

Abby

Wow, he really is surprised!

Freddy

Otis, my parents can NOT come here! You have to uninvite them!

Otis

Uninvite--? Freddy, they totally miss you. They can't wait to see you.

Freddy

[sobs] No, you don't understand! They're not like you and me!

Abby

Oh, now, everybody thinks their parents are a little weird, Freddy. Mine put ketchup on their hay.

Pig

Yeah, and mine think leprechauns are stealing their gold.

Otis

You see? Pig's parents are stupid and crazy.

Pig

Oh, you know it.

Otis

[unaware of Freddy's intentions] Freddy, what are you doing?! You know I don't like letting the hens out where predators could eat them!

Freddy

You're right! That would be terrible! [to his parents] Terribly delicious. [to Otis] Oh, why won't those predators leave our poor chick-chicks alone... [to his parents] ...with us, so we can eat them. [to Otis] 'Cause you know how I love to eat chic-- [pauses, then runs away screaming]

Otis

Alright, Freddy, you got 10 seconds to explain why you're acting like such a blockhead!

Freddy

[sighs] I should have known I couldn't keep it a secret any longer. [picks up one of the slides] This is a traditional holiday dinner.

Otis

[looks at the slide] Yeah, so? It's just you and your folks sitting down to a delicious meal of--AAH, ROASTED ANIMAL!!! [shudders]

Freddy

Now do you get it?! My parents are freakish, deviant meat-eaters!

Otis

Can't believe it. They seemed so nice.

Freddy

Yeah, when they're not gorging on anything with gizzards and a beak! That's why I never told them about Peck.

Otis

[to the sheep] Guys, guys, have any of you seen Peck?

He just left.

Just now with your parents.

Otis

What?!

Freddy

Oh, no! They're gonna put him in the oven and baste him every 10 minutes until golden brown! [calmly] Then, a pinch of brown sugar to taste. For crispier skin, try rotating halfway through cooking time, and for--

Otis

Uh, you wanna stop that?

Freddy

[back to panicking] I mean, we gotta save him!