Oh, I'm sure he'll be all right.
Yeah, strong as an ox, ain't he?
Yeah, I mean if anything was really bad, we'd have heard about it already, wouldn't we?
Yeah, I know, but y'know, all the same, though, it just seems a bit inc-c-congruous, like, y'know, Oz bein' in hospital all beaten up.
[Noticing Neville entering the bar] Oh, aye, Nev's back.
'Ey up, what's the word, then, Nev?
Couldn't do anythin'. [The lads look down sorrowfully]
Er, no, for me tattoo, not for Oz! No, Oz is fine. [The lads breathe a sigh of relief] Very comfortable, out of danger.
'Ey, leave it out, Nev! You had us all goin' then for a minute!
Yeah, right, Wayne, and who wants to hear about your poxy naffin' tattoo, Neville?
I'm sorry! I'm just a bit preoccupied.
Yeah, well, y'know, what's happened, like?
Well, this lady doctor said I should stop bein' so pathetic an' just tell Brenda straight. Said if our relationship was sound she'd understand.
Neville, Neville, how about if we pulled your arm off, son? Would that solve the problem, eh? How's Oz, for Christ's sake?
Well, it seemed he'd followed Den down to the Bierkeller, kinda guardin' him, like. Anyway, there was a bit of aggro, an' he got his arm slashed wi' a glass. [To the barman] Aye, give us a beer, please. [To the lads] Funny thing was Dennis said it was his fault, not Oz's. That he started the ruck.
But Dennis would say that, wouldn't he?
Dennis[Standing in the doorway] It's true, Bomber. [The lads turn round and see Dennis, still in his blood-soaked shirt] Because of me, Oz was nearly killed. Look, er... I've... I've acted like... like a right prick, yer know, over the past few days, and er, wallowin' in me own problems and shuttin' all you lads out an' that, an' er... well, I'll apologise to Oz when he's feelin' better, like, but in the meantime I've got a lot of apologies to make. You lads'll do for a start, like. I'm sorry. [Turns to leave]
Come on, you bad tempered old bastard, buy us all a drink! [Forgiven, Dennis joins the lads at the bar]
Triple schnapps time! [To the barman, pointing at Dennis] Triple schnapps, please, on him.
Dennis
Oh yes, no doubt about that. [Looks down towards the Rhineknie Bridge] Mind you, we've got a bridge over the Tyne that's just like that. Well... it's not exactly like that, but it's beautiful in its own sort of way, and uh...
You sound as if you are homesick. [Dennis doesn't respond] Well, what is it going to be - the Rhine or the Tyne?
Dennis
Well, I'll tell you, bonny lass, the last few days have been amongst the worst in my life. I mean, I know they haven't been a picnic for you, either, but... well, the way I see things now is this: If I, er... If I was Dennis the Bold, I'd be starting off a new life in a new country with a lovely lady as a companion. But, unfortunately, Dennis the Brave is also a selfish sod, you know, he gets his mates all carved up when he tries to act big! So, he goes back to being Dennis the Realistic, and his role in life is... to be there for other people to lean on. And three of those people happen to be his wife and his kids. I mean, I put realism before bravery every time.
[upset] ...But would you have stayed if Vera hadn't come last weekend?
Dennis
Yeah probably, yeah.
Well... don't you think that I need to lean on you just as much as she does?
Dennis
...No.
Dennis
Because, Vera's got the kids, Dagmar! Don't you see? It's the kids! They make the difference! I mean, because of that... the way I am, I mean, I always get pulled into the area of greatest need! [Dagmar turns away] Look, I'm sorry, Dagmar, I really am.
Aye. One of these might be the last brick I lay in Germany.
DDennie
Oh 'ey, don't start gettin' sentimental, Neville. [Neville laughs]
[Climbing a ladder to join the lads, with a Union Jack flag sticking out of his trouser pocket] Watch out, watch out... Hey-'ey! You lot are a bit keen, in't ya?
Yeah. Right, mate. Keen to get at the bevvy.
[Climbing the ladder, also with a Union Jack flag in his trouser pocket] 'Ey, not before five, eh, lads? We don't want to spoil our most exemplary work record by short-changing the Erics on our last day, do we? Get to it, then!
What are you doin' up here, then, eh?
Well, it's different for me, innit? I'm a skilled worker, me, I'm not labourers like you lot.
Dennis
Bollocks!
I work on miniature masterpieces of wiring, I do, which cannot be constrained by mere units of time.
Dennis
How is the time, by the way? It must be gettin' close.
[Checking his watch] Er, about thirty seconds to go, I think. Yeah. I'll give you a countdown on my superbly accurate digital watch, shall I? Right... [Reads from his watch] 15... 14... 13...
[Singing] Rule Britannia / Britannia rules the waves!
[Holding his beer aloft] En-ger-land!
Hey, listen, I wanna make a toast. To Oz.
Dennis
Aye. To Oz.
To absent friends. [The lads raise their beers.]
[For it is he inside the crane bucket, makes a Tarzan call.]
Dennis
I don't believe it!
[As he emerges from the bucket, his arm in a sling] Mind if I drop in, lads? [The lads laugh and cheer]
Dennis
Oh, aye. That's England alright! Misty, grey cliffs.
Bloody depressing looking place when you think about it, isn't it? I'm surprised the Vikings never turned back!
Ahh, ye cannae beat it, but.
Can yer not? Not much in store for us when we get back there, is there? Apart from Keegan. No work, no money, no prospects...
Dennis
Oh, I dunno, Oz. I met a bloke in the bar before, and he reckons they'll be needing bricklayers up our way soon.
Oh, aye? And where's that?
Dennis
Well, it's just a whisper, like, but he had heard that that, er, they're gonna rebuild Hadrian's Wall! [They all laugh]
I always thought that wrestling was rigged.
If that's the case, Neville, how come I always bloody well lose? [They laugh]
Dennis
Here, chief. What d'you want, Nev?
Dennis
Er, I'll have a large Scotch and no ice, thanks. [Leaves the money on the bar and goes off to the toilet.]
Right. A pint and a half of bitter, a large Scotch, no ice. [Den leaves the bar.] Den's knocking back the hard stuff. Or is it just the excitement of the occasion?
Ah, I've hardly seen him, Bomb, actually. Oh, mind, I did have a drink with him last week and he was knocking back the Scotches at dinner time.
Oh, it's all right if you can afford it.
Course he went back to the family and that, but it never worked out.
Is that right? So he gives up Dagmar and ends up with nothing. It must have hurt him pretty hard.
[Comes to the bar] Look, lads, I've been addressing meself to the problems of accomodation. Apparently, there's a B&B down the road, or there's a lovely motel half a mile past the roundabout.
Yeah, I fancy the latter meself. [The pub phone rings.]
Neville I thought we were all goin' for a curry.
Oh, no, Nev. I'm gonna give the vindaloo a miss. I've never found it much conducive to romance.
Barman [Having answered the phone] Is there a Dennis Patterson here?
Aye. That must be Dennis. [Dennis returns to the bar] Den, there's a phone call for you.
Dennis
Eh?
Dennis
It cannae be for me, man. Naebody knows I'm here.
Are you Dennis Patterson?
Dennis
Aye. [The barman signals for Dennis to come round to the phone. Dennis does so.] Hello?
So where are we staying then, Nev?
Eh? I dunno. Barry's, I suppose.
There ain't many amenities, mate. If I were you, I'd come with us. I might need a bit of, er... immoral support. [Tipping his head to the hitchhikers. Dennis returns to the bar.]
Who was that, Den? Was it Norma?
Dennis
Nah. It was Barry.
Dennis
[Downing his Scotch] No. He'd rather we went across to see him. Yeah... he's been breathalysed! [He and Neville laugh.]
All right, Den? You're keen.
Dennis
What?
To get to work, it's only twenty past eight, I wasn't planning on going in 'til ten meself.
Dennis
Nah, I'm not going, Wayne. Me sister rang, I've to shoot back home. Back.
Dennis
No, nah. Just, er, summat I have to deal with. Look, I tell you what, er... look, give Barry my apologies, will yer? And er... wish him all the best, okay, mate? [Pats Wayne's arm and turns to leave.]
Hey, Den! [Dennis stops in his tracks.] Nice to see you, mate.
Dennis
Oh, sorry. [Shakes Wayne's hand] Nice to see you too, mate. Aye?
[Calling after Dennis] Try and get back at the weekend, eh? Might be a giggle! [Dennis leaves the motel. Wayne goes to reception.]
RReceptionist
[To Wayne] Oh, Sir?
RReceptionist
The two young ladies in Room 216...
Oh, yeah. Could you give 'em a bell, please? Tell 'em I'm on me way to breakfast?
RReceptionist
Well, they have checked out, sir.
[His face falls] They've what?
RReceptionist
Well they said that you'll be paying their bill.
Dennis
How, lads!
Hello, Dennis. Didn't expect you back so soon, mate.
Didn't expect you back at all.
Dennis
Aye, well, I had a bit of business to take care of, but I came back because I've had this proposition. Might interest some of you lads. Now, er... there's good news, and there's bad news attached to this. Which one do you want first?
Oh, eh let's have the bad news.
Dennis
Right, okay. [Whistles. Oz enters.]
Dennis
Right, lads. He wants a quick conversion, so he can sell it over the odds and make a tasty profit, see?
Ah, the unacceptable face of c-capitalism.
Aye, that's right. But we're gettin' paid top whack, so...
Dennis
Well, I've already seen the drawings. I reckon there's at least... two months' work.
Oh yeah. Two months, ten weeks...
Dennis
I'm in charge, Barry, so there'll be no gaffers, eh?
This bloke... wouldn't happen to be Ally Fraser, would it?
Dennis
Yes, Neville, yes.
Oh look, man! His money's just as good as anybody else's, Neville, isn'it? Or are ya snowed under wi' work offers at the moment, like?
Well, I'm game. Life-savers for Bomber. Bloody sight better than being bounced about the ring and having old ladies stubbing fag ends about your arse!
Dennis
Moxey?
I fancy it. I'm f-fairly free.
Dennis
What about you, Wayne?
Can't see it appealing to him. Not with a BMW and that scrumptious little wife at home.
Yeah, I know about all that, but I mean if it's only for a couple of months, could be a giggle, couldn't it? [Throws a can of lager to Oz.]
Dennis
Nev?
Well... if it's only a couple of months, I suppose so.
Dennis
Right, so you're all in then!
Ah well, I'd be with you straight away, you know, for old times' sake, like, but er... the impending nuptials...
We'll miss your sparkling repartee(!) Eh? Barry Taylor, the prince of trivia. [The others, except Barry, laugh]
Dennis
Monday.
Monday?! But that only gives you... four days to finish me house!
Better get crackin' then!
Dennis
All right, lads, move yerselves!
Oh, don't say that! Not after that bloody curry we had last night!
Dennis
Listen, Wayne, we're bound to lose each other, there's a great big motorway caff just before we come off the motorway, right? Be there for brekkie.
[As he leaves the motel with his bags] Hold on, I've not had me cup o' tea.
Dennis
We've already had tea! We were supposed to be on the road an hour ago!
Look, Dennis, if you're ganna be the gaffer on this new job, you'd better get summat straight straight away.
Dennis
What?
We're still entitled proper meal breaks, right?
Dennis
Aye.
And travelling time to the job an' back. An' another thing: don't go usin' Barry's gaff as a yardstick for our workrate neither, right?
Nah, we'll spin this one out a bit longer.
[Noticing Barry's van about to pull into the car park.] Oh, here comes Barry to see us off. [Barry pulls up in front of the lads and gets out of his van.]
What's wrong with you, mate? You look worse than what Moxey feels.
I hope you 'aven't come to tell us your cheques is gonna bounce.
Nah, nah, nah. I've just come to get the address of the place where you're going to, like.
Dennis
It's no bother, I'll write it down for yer.
Awww, isn't that nice? He's gonna write us a postcard from his honeymoon.
Won't be a honeymoon. Won't be a wedding. Nah, Hazel needs to think things through, like. So, be with you in a couple of days!
Ah, yes. This reminds me very much of my gaff in Tilbury(!) Not so much gardens. Mind you, on the other hand, I don't suppose they have the pong from the lino factory, eh?
[As he and Oz start to walk round to the back] I lived in a place like this once.
I did. The borstal near Prestatyn.
What's Ally planning to do with this, Den?
Dennis
Timesharing units, they call 'em.
All self-contained, like?
Dennis
Aye, we'll put lots of bathrooms in, yer kna. Kitchenettes.
Dennis
Well, there's a stack of overtime, aye, because he wants the job done fast. So I wouldn't reckon on seeing your Brenda too often, mate.
Dennis
Ohh, 'ey, don't tell me you're heading for the broken homes club as well, are ya?
Oh, of course not. I'll just be glad to get me head down and get some solid graft in.
[Trying to open the back door] See if this opens.
[Nudges Moxey and pulls out the knife from the motorway services from his boot] Watch and learn, son. [He uses the knife to try and open one of the windows.]
What's the drill then, Dennis? Are we supposed to wait around 'til he [Fraser] shows up? Bomber could murder a pint.
We passed a nice little pub in the village.
Dennis
Aye, well you lads go down there. I'll have to stop here, man.
Watering the geraniums, I suppose. [Shouts round the corner] Here, Oz! Mox! Come on, we're going down the boozer.
Dennis
Hey, Bomber. Don't let the lads make a day trip of this, mind, will yer?
Leave it to me, Dennis. I'll keep 'em in order. Pint and a pie. [As they walk off, they hear sounds coming from the house.]
Hey, Den, listen. [He hears footsteps.] I thought you said this place was empty.
Dennis
It is, man. Oh, aye. Apart from the monster. Didn't want to let yer kna about that in case it frightened you off, like, yer kna.
[Posh accent] What are youse peasants doing on my property? There's a notice there what clearly states that members of the working class will be exterminated. Now piss off! [They all laugh.]
How're you doing, Dennis? What was the law after?
Dennis
Ah, just checkin' up, like, yer kna.
Aye. D'you know Malcolm Hallwood?
Dennis
No. Hello there. [They shake hands]
[To Hallwood as he hands Dennis the architect's plans] Dennis will be in charge of the operations. [Fraser, Hallwood and Big Baz get out of the car]
It looks like you've got your work cut out, Dennis.
Dennis
I've got the right lads for it, like, yer kna. [Wayne, Bomber, Oz and Neville look accusingly at Fraser]
They look more like a bunch of mercenaries!
Dennis
This place looks all right.
No, I don't reckon this place is a good idea.
Dennis
Eh? We've been all over the place, Oz.
I thought that Mrs. Armitage seemed nice enough.
Nah, you know what that's gonna be, don't you? "Wipe your feet before you come in and lights out after ten."
Dennis
Course we can always stay with Ally at the Cross Keys at £50 a night, like.
Well if we don't find somewhere soon, we're gonna end up kipping down at the house.
Dennis
Look, man, it's only for one night 'til we find somewhere permanent. Some of us are starving because we didn't get any dinner!
Alreet, alreet. Suit yerselves.
Dennis
Right, let's gan in. [Gets out of the van, noticing the others don't.] What's the matter?
Well, you're best at this sort of thing, Den. Y-yeah, you handle it.
Dennis
Do you lads kna somethin' I don't?
Dennis
Evening. Er, have you got any rooms free?
Dennis
Er, you couldn't manage three twins, could you?
Dennis
At least a couple.
Yes, I think I can manage that.
Dennis
Champion. [Pringle returns to the bar. Dennis goes to the front door and calls out to the lads.] Right, lads. No problem. [He goes to the bar.]
That'll be £18 a night, and I don't take credit cards.
Dennis
That's okay, we prefer cash anyway. Er, I tell you what, give us five pints of this bitter to start with, please. [Pringle starts pouring the beers as the lads enter with their cases.]
Hello again! [Pringle looks up with a look of bewilderment!]
[Kicking in the door from which Moxey emerged the day before] Come on, Moxey, man. We know you're in there!
If we're getting in this early, we might as well not have gone to bed.
[From another room] Is it safe?
No, the place is surrounded by the SPG with riot shields(!) [Moxey emerges]
Ah, you divvn't half flatter yerself, ye dae, lad. You're not exatly public enemy number one, is yer?
Plain-clothes from the Smoke don't come round looking for toerags like you, son. [Dennis enters.]
Dennis
Morning, Papillon! [The others laugh. Dennis throws Moxey some food in a paper bag] Here. A bacon and egg sandwich there for you.
Oh, cheers, mate. Oh, by the way, it was Brad Dexter.
The bloke we couldn't think of in The Magnificent Seven. Bomber's character, it was Brad Dexter.
No-one has. That's why we couldn't remember him. Couldn't sleep last night, see. What with worrying about the law and the cold and the rats.
Dennis
I couldn't sleep, worryin' about you an' your situation, an' what I'm gonna do about it, Moxey!
Oh. Sorry, Den. I should've levelled with you.
I think he's right... I think it was Brad Dexter. ...Ah! Now that's who he was, man! He was the gadgy what saved Frank Sinatra's life, wasn'he?
I dunno, Wayne, I'm not the Memory Man, am I? But, er... apparently what happened was Sinatra got a ducking one time and nearly drowned, like, and that Dexter gadgy dived in, pulled him out and saved him. That would've been it, wouldn'it? In clover for the rest of his natch. Ahh, just imagine it, eh? Limos, boilers, monogrammed cufflinks with yer initials on. Owt you fancy, I'd imagine.
Dennis
Hey? Amarillo?
[Brushing his teeth] Aye. D'you like it? [Dennis joins the queue for the bathroom. Moxey and Neville are in front.]
Hey! [Bangs the door] Hurry up, Wayne, will you? There's a bloody queue out here, y'know.
Dennis
Why do these places always just have one bog?
I've just been sayin' to Mox, he'll be all right with us, won't he? He's our mate, we've gotta look after 'im.
Dennis
Well that's all very well for you to say. Technically I'm the employer.
Ah, that says a lot about where your mentality is, yer kna, Den.
Dennis
[Goes back to his and Oz's room] What's that supposed to mean?
Well, what do yer think it means?
Dennis
I don't know. You tell me what my mentality is.
Well, in a word, you see yerself as a gaffer, don't yer? Always have done.
[Walking past the door] That's a whole sentence.
[Shouts down the corridor] Hey, man! I'm sayin' this for your benefit, yer kna, tosspot! [He and Dennis follow Moxey into his and Bomber's room]
Dennis
Shut up, both of yer! [To Moxey] Look, I've got to handle this job legit, right?
[Cutting his toenails] But Ally's a crafty old bugger himself.
Dennis
Well that's all the more reason, isn'it, why he doesn't want to bring any heat down by some petty infringement of the Employment Act! Look, I have to do their 715, stamp their ticket. Moxey's got neither. [To Moxey] Look, Moxey, if you're picked up, God forbid, they're going to ask me, yer kna, quite rightly, why I hired you without proper documentation. So when you talk about accessories, it won't be you lot, will it? Oh nah, it'll be yours truly who ends up in the clarts!
See what I mean about the gaffer's mentality?
Yeah, but he's right though, isn't he? I can't compromise him. It wouldn't be fair.
All right, all right. But does it not strike you lot as a bit ironic? All this setup, eh?
Dennis
What?
[Spits out the toothpaste] Here we are, right. We're workin' for this bloke, whose reputation is, to say the least... dubious. I mean I kna all aboot Ally Fraser, yer kna. He's a heavy duty villain. But he's alreet, 'cos he's so bloody wrapped up by lawyers, accountants and legal loopholes, he couldn't give a monkey's chuff aboot the law, the Inland Revenue or nowt! And you're more worried aboot Moxey, who, I mean, yer kna, with all due respect, is just some lowlife punter! His only real fault is he gans through life thinkin' every day is Guy Fawkes' Night!
Dennis
[Points to a page] This one sounds all right, The Pheasant at Ilworth. [Reads from the book] "This old coaching inn has been lovingly restored by Trevor Beaumont, while his partner Nigel Fox runs the kitchen. Local produce, market-fresh vegetables. Among their specialties, we particularly recommend rack of lamb and fresh local trout."
NNorma
Oh, that sounds good, Den.
Dennis
Aye. Give that a go later on, eh?
Dennis
Right, er... I'd better book. [Closes the guide and gets up to go to the phone when Bomber walks in] Hello, Bomber.
Dennis
What're ya up to?
Well, I've been driving 'round the countryside, and I picked up a hitchhiker. [Stands aside to reveal Moxey behind him.]
Dennis
Moxey!
Dennis
Er, I don't think you've met me sister. Norma, this is Moxey and Bomber.
Dennis
Erm... [Takes Moxey and Bomber aside] ...is everything all right, is it?
Er, yeah, yeah. Er, I had to go down to London, y'know, to sort a few things out, like. But I got me cards, so there should be no more problems in that department.
Dennis
Oh, champion, 'cos the architect tells me we'll be back at work on Monday with a bit of luck, like. So you've timed that rather well, Moxey.
Dennis
Yeah?
Dennis
What?
No. It's, er, Brendan Mulachy.
Dennis
Brendan what?
NNorma
Dennis, shall I order some more tea for everybody?
Dennis
Er... I tink it's about time for a drink, isn'it, lads?
I wouldn't say no to that.
Dennis
Aye, why not? Come on, let's have a drink. Things seem to be shapin' up for once.
WWaitress
[Emerging from the door] Mr. Patterson, could you come to the phone, please?
Dennis
Yeah?
WWaitress
It's the police. A couple of your lads have been arrested.
JJessup
Good afternoon, Sir James. I'm sorry about this.
JSir James
[Looking into the holding room, as does Neville] Are those the chaps?
JJessup
Yes, sir. I caught them red-handed.
JSir James
Oh, dear. [Turns to the desk sergeant] So, what do I do?
Excuse me, Sir James? Could I have a word with you, please?
JSir James
Of course, Neville.
No, no, I mean in private, like.
Those two poachers... they're my workmates.
I'm sure they wouldn't have known what they were doin'. I mean, they wouldn't have known it was your property.
JSir James
I suppose not.
See, we're townies, aren't we?
JSir James
I suppose so. The thing is, they [The locals] take a dim view of that kind of thing, and being the landownder, I'm supposed to set an example.
Well... they could make amends.
Well, instead of paying the fine, maybe they could help me fix your barn.
JSir James
Well, it does seem a lot of fuss about nothing, and Celestia and I could have that trout for supper.
Dennis
What's happenin', Nev?
It's all right, Dennis. Sir James and I have fixed everything.
Auf Wiedersehen, Pet · 320 quotes
