Tobias Fünke quotes from Arrested Development

Tobias

I know you're the big marriage expert. Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot your wife is dead! [beat] I'm sorry, that was 100% inappropriate and I do apologize profusely. I'm, oh...

Tobias

Here he comes. Here comes John Wayne. [imitating John Wayne] I'm not gonna cry about my Pa. I'm gonna build an airport. Put my name on it. [speaking normally] Why, Michael? So you can fly away from your feelings?

May I help you?

Tobias

Oh, I hope so. Um, I'm looking for something that says, "Dad likes leather."

Something that says, "leather daddy"?

Tobias

Oh, is there such a thing?

Where to, mate?

Tobias

The Gothic Castle.

Gothic Asshole?

Tobias

That's what I said.

Jessie

There are very few intelligent, attractive and straight men in this town.

Tobias

Well, that certainly leaves me out. [Everyone looks at Tobias] You said "single," right? She said "single."

Tobias

As you may or may not know, Lindsay and I have hit a bit of a rough patch.

Michael

Really? When did that start?

Tobias

Well, I don't want to blame it all on 9/11, but it certainly didn't help.

Tobias

I'm afraid that this offer comes off the table at midnight.

Michael

That may be the worst bluff I've ever heard.

Narrator

Even the members of Gobias industries agreed on that one.

Michael

Not really. Kids love boundaries. I mean, look at these girls. (Talking about the "Girls with Low Self-Esteem" tape) Is this what you want?

Tobias

Oh, God, no.

Michael

This could be where your daughter is headed.

Tobias

Oh, no, no, I don't want this for Maeby either.

Tobias

You know, Lindsay, as a therapist, I have advised... a number of couples to explore an open relationship where the couple remains emotionally committed but free to explore extramarital encounters.

Lindsay

Well, did it work for those people?

Tobias

No, it never does. I mean, these people somehow delude themselves into thinking it might, but... but it might work for us.

Lindsay

What did he say? Tell me the last thing he said.

Tobias

[in flashback] I'm afraid I just blue myself.

Michael

He said some wonderful things.

Tobias

My wife is humiliated. This is my chance to right the small wrong that I did.

Michael

You shot her in the ass with about four ounces of horse tranquilizer.

Tobias

I haven't been the perfect husband -- yes, I admit that. But now is my chance to be a hero.

Michael

[looking at a gift basket] Didn't you get one of those, too? You bought Lindsay at the same auction.

Tobias

I'm afraid I prematurely shot my wad on what was supposed to be a dry run if you will, so I'm afraid I have something of a mess on my hands.

Michael

There's so many poorly chosen words in that sentence.

Tobias

Well, Michael, you really are quite the Cupid, aren't you? I tell you, you can sink your arrow into my buttocks any time.

Michael

Okay, you know what you do? You buy yourself a tape recorder, you just record yourself for a whole day. I think you're going to be surprised at some of your phrasing.

Tobias

Butterscotch! Want a lick?

Tobias

[after Michael asks Tobias to buy a tape recorder to record himself speaking] You know, Michael, perhaps I should buy you that tape recorder. Do you have any idea how often you say the word "afraid"?

Michael

Well, I know I did in the jacuzzi.

Tobias

And I apologize for that. I thought it was a pool toy.

Narrator

On the next Arrested Development, Tobias listens to a day's worth of his own recordings to see what Michael was referring to.

Tobias

[on tape] Even if it means me taking a chubby, I will suck it up!

Tobias

Nothing wrong with that.

Tobias

[on tape] I've been in the film business for a while but I just cant seem to get one in the can.

Tobias

That's out of context...

Tobias

[on tape] I wouldn't mind kissing that man between the cheeks.

Narrator

And he realizes there is something distinct about the way he speaks.

Tobias

Tobias... you blow hard! [chuckles]