Lucille quotes from Arrested Development

If you're saying I play favorites, you're wrong. I love all my children equally.

I don't care for Gob.

[to Lindsay] I don't criticize you! And if you're worried about criticism, sometimes a diet is the best defense.

Is this why you wanted to fight this thing? So you could run off with this great redwood of a whore?

I want to cry so bad, but I don't think I can spare the moisture.

I'll be in the hospital bar.

Michael

Uh, you know there isn't a hospital bar, Mother.

Well, this is why people hate hospitals. [Cackles at her own wit]

Buster

She's just wigged out because I have a girlfriend.

A waiter hands him a note and suddenly he's Steve McQueen. He doesn't even know what she looks like.

Buster

I know that she's a brownish area with points.

Supposedly, Luz had to take her daughter to the hospital. That's Lupe, her sister.

Michael

I hope she's okay.

She's awful. Can barely wash a dish.

What'd she do, get you drunk?

Michael

No, we just, uh, well... we -- we did drink a little bit. How'd you know that?

Because that's what she said she'd do. I said you wouldn't give her the money, and she said, "He will if I get him drunk." Probably because she thinks you're a cheap bastard. Oh... her words.

Michael

Hey, Mom. Remember we had that conversation about trying to cut back on things that aren't necessities?

Like it was yesterday.

Michael

It was this morning.

You're my third least favorite child.

Michael

I can live with that.

You're the only one who chose a spouse I liked and she had to die.

Michael

I know, that's rough for you.

Maeby

[working with Lucille] This is so much fun. I can't believe my mom thought being here would be a punishment.

Oh, she thinks I'm too critical. That's another fault of hers.

Maeby

[working with Lucille] Well, we can go get some ice cream, Gangee. That would be fun, right?

I don't think so. That chubby little wrist of yours is testing the tensile strength of this bracelet as it is.

Jessie

Your father's religious now? We'll play that up. It's very sympathetic.

Yeah. Who doesn't love the Jews?

I'll have the Ike and Tina Tuna.

Plate or platter?

I don't understand the question, and I won't respond to it.