Archer · Season 5
$1 million! Yes, real dollars. Duh, look at my house. I bet I got rugs worth a... Ugh! Fine, $2 million. Okay, $5 million. Fine, $10 million! $50 million! A jillion million! Jesus! Be more gross and Chinese-y!
[Hangs up. Archer plays the Price Is Right losing horn on his phone]
Been waiting forever to use that.
Okay, listen up, there are way too many windows and doors to cover, so we need to concentrate on chokepoints. [Cheryl excitedly laughs] Not that kind of chokepoints.
[handing Ron a rifle] Here.
Noop.
What do you mean, "noop"? Take it!
Woman, I am not getting in a shootout with the goddamn Yakuza because you people decided to steal their drugs!
Well, I support you in your work! Not that you ever do any, but...
If you were honest with yourself, you would realize I have been incredibly supportive of you! Get arrested for treason, I stand by you; become a drug dealer, I stand by you. Oh-oh-oh! And you don't seem to mind driving around in a new Cadillac, do you?
A floor model.
[Dismissively] Metric. Who uses metric?
Every single country on the planet except for us, Liberia, and Burma.
Wow, really? 'Cause you never think of those other two as having their shit together.
Next time, remind me to get shot in the head.
Ron, next time, get shot in the head.
What are you eating?
Yogurt.
[snatching spoon] Give me that! Lick it.
Well, can't unhear that. [Takes lick from spoon] Holy shit, yogurt is amazing! Why have I never tried yogurt?
How have you never tried yogurt?
Mmm, I didn't know it was that good.
It's good because it's cocaine!
Oh, my God, and little kids eat it?
[as Pam carries her off] This is only somewhat like that old Gypsy woman said!
How do you not know the different kinds of porn?
Because I have sex with actual women, Cyril! My girlfriend's not equal parts the Internet, a tube of Kentucky jelly, self-loathing, and a sock.
[After Lana knock down a biker at the "Now leaving Texarkana" sign]
[Laughing] Yeah, bitch! That's how I— [Seeing Archer and Pam] Ohh, shit!
[Cherlene screams, Lana breaks]
Even a goddamn baby knows, in craps you never bet on the hard way! [Pam slap Archer who sees the bus about to hit them] OHHHHHHHHHHHH—
SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII—
[The bus runs over Archer's car which spins, while Cherlene's bus crashes into a hill]
You mad?
Give you three guesses, Pam!
No...? No...? No!
Wrong, Pam!
It's time to gather some intel.
Intel? No, do not compare what we do now to intelligence work.
Don't worry, I won't. Because selling cocaine to cocaine dealers doesn't really compare to helping overthrow democratically elected governments. Like the U.S. did in Guatemala, Chile, Nicaragua, uh... oh, Iran! Because, spoiler alert, those didn't really work out so great! But that's OK, because I'm pinning my hopes for the future on the next big shipment of Stinger missiles to that ragtag bunch of mujaheddin heroes in Afghanistan!
What do crocodiles eat?
EVERYTHING! THEY EAT EVERYTHING! And fear is their bacon bits!
Why are you so afraid of crocodiles?
Gee, I don't know, Cyril. Maybe, deep down, I'm afraid of any apex predator that lived through the K-T Extinction.
The...?
Physically unchanged for a hundred million years because it's the perfect killing machine: a half ton of coldblooded fury with a bite force of twenty-thousand newtons and a stomach acid so strong it can dissolve bones and hooves. And now we're surrounded, those snake eyes are watching from the shadows waiting for the night...
[Interrupts, breaking into song] Waiting for the Night!
Goddammit, how are we not doing "phrasing"?!
Cyril, shut your pout-hole, accept that Lana was so far out of your league that impregnating her would've basically been interspecies breeding, and get on with your life!
No, Kenny Loggins! Nothing can make up for almost killing me over a briefcase of what I can only assume is either plutonium or a human soul!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Archer pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
