God damn it! We're moving!
I know!
What happened to half an hour?!
I lied!
S1 E7Skytanic
[Malory and Pam are standing over an unconscious Cheryl]
Cyril got in over his head and…
Jesus God, did he kill her?!
No, he ran from her to go confess to Lana. But then this one starts freaking out and...I kinda had to drown her in the tub.
So you killed her?
[Cheryl comes to, coughs up water and passes out again]
Apparently not. So...good news.
S1 E8The Rock
[Cheryl walks in to find Cyril with his hand over Pam's mouth]
Cyril! Are you cheating on me?
No. I'm just... uh... trying to get my muffin back.
No you're not!
I'm not?
Not like that, you're not. You gotta slug her in the diaphragm with a forearm shiver.
That's... ah... good to know.
Do it! [Cyril slams Pam in the gut. She collapses and vomits on the floor] And no muffin. See? Time lost is muffin lost.
What are you doing back there?
I don't know!
What, are you just hitting random keys?
Well, obviously!
[Lana and Archer are trying to equip for their mission while all the "Drones" are on strike]
Yes, we need a code cloner! Duh!
[Archer appears, wearing night-vision goggles and carrying shovels]
These were all I could find. I'm thinking: goggles, yes; shovels, I don't know how or why we'd use them.
[To Malory] So as you can see, we are completely unprepared for this mission!
[Wearing night-vision goggles and holding a shovel] Unless it involves night-shoveling.
Cyril. Cyril! CYRIL!
What?!
I'm rescuing Lana, as usual!
Hey, shut up!
I love that you know how to do that.
And I love that I have an erection... that doesn't involve homeless people.
Frickin' ODIN.
How many are there?
About a gillion.
Dammit.
A gillion gay, little copy-cats.
What?
I didn't invent the turtleneck, Lana. But I was the first to see it's potential as a tactical garment. The Tactical Turtleneck, Lana. The... Tactleneck!
Holy shit, you geeks are badass.
S1 E9Job Offer
We'll never catch him in this thing!
Maybe you should've thought about that before you blew the damn drop!
I blew jack shit!
Name dropper.
ODIN doesn't beat Sterling Archer! Only Sterling Archer beats... [He trails off as he realizes he's lost the target.]
Do you wanna finish that thought?
Do you wanna shut your big, fat, negative, wordsy mouth?!
[after Archer hits a polo ball out the window] God, you're a natural! Bet it's all that lacrosse at boarding school, no doubt.
Yeah, 13 years' worth.
13 years?! What, did she ship you off in kindergarten?! Gosh, that must've been tough.
No, I loved it. Uh... made a lot of good friends. [Quick cutaway to a young Archer sitting alone on the lacrosse field] Family, almost, is what they were.
Speaking of, how's your mother taking all this?
Oh, please. I bet she doesn't even miss me.
[Cut to ISIS]
[drunk on Absinthe] Because he'll be back, crying for his mommy! Just like that Christmas break when I moved and forgot to give my new address to his stupid boarding school. [Cheryl gasps.] I mean, he rode the train into the city all by himself. He couldn't pick up a phone book? Nine years old, and bawling in that police station like a little girl! What's that tell you?
Kind of a lot, actually.
Oh, shut up. I bet you're barren.
I don't care if he's happy!
Well, that's obvious.
Meaning what exactly?!
Meaning who leaves a nine-year-old in a police station on Christmas?!
Eve! And he told you about that?
Oh, we've had such great talks.
Fire him!
Join him! Come work for me.
Have you lost your mind?!
Every time I see you.
Fire him.
Can't do it.
Can't or won't?
Either?
No, as a matter of fact, I don't have Barry on speed-dial.
Well, gee, that's rather surprising.
You know what's surprising? Kissing you goodbye at the airport, dozing off in first class, and then seeing you on my flight when I get up to pee! That, to me, is rather surprising.
And really expensive, turns out.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Archer pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.