No! Baby, I am putting you in the corner.
S1 E9Job Offer
Telex. You got one in here?
Why? So you can smash that too?
No.
[Talking over Lana] Because I'm pretty sure I'm financially responsible for the furnishings!
Mother burned me?
Apparently.
Oh, my god, that's classic her.
You're both classic her.
Looks like Jonestown in here.
Yes, Pam, get me some poison, because I am already dead inside.
Too dead inside to read good news?
Is it my obituary?
Well, it's not that good.
And?
And...
And are you going to loom over me all day, like some sort of... henge?
Let's talk this out.
Talk what out?! How you ruined my chance to work for ODIN?! Or--ooh!--maybe how I just caught my boyfriend balls deep in some French chick!
Ex-boyfriend, I bet.
Oh, you think?!
Yeah, he's not coming back. That chick was, like, the Pelé of anal.
[To Lana] Oh, OK! Then, I guess just pout!
S1 E10Dial M for Mother
You've cheated on Lana plenty.
Yeah, but with starlets, models. Oh, and one time, two actual princesses.
Two at the same time?
Yeah. They were sisters.
Sploosh!
You just destroyed my innocence!
Oh, please! That Brazilian au pair did that when you were 13.
12!
I'm sorry, Krieger, but it's over. So here's all your Creedence Clearwater albums back.
And now, a sad moon is on the rise.
I know, devastating. But it's not you, it's your weak womany hands.
They're not...
It's like being choked by a child. Which I thought would be hot, but...
No, wait! I'll take steroids!
I can't wait! I need a man now, with monster hands.
[Discussing his plan to kidnap Archer] Turn him into, how you say, vole?
RSRussian Soldier
I think you mean mole.
Ah?
RSRussian Soldier
Mole. Vole is also rodent but more closely related to lemming.
[Lana has learned of Cyril's multiple affairs during their relationship]
Okay, we've got the French chick, and Carol, and-- anybody else, Ram-bone?
Uh, no...
["Scatterbrain" Jane walks by the open office door]
JJane
Hi, Cyril. [laughing and coughing]
Well...
Scatterbrain Jane?! Really?
Well, see, she had just been diagnosed with breast cancer...
Oh right, I forgot, your dick's full of radiation and mastectomy coupons.
Boy, you are just so determined not to be cool about this.
Yuuup.
[as his mechanical robot hand chokes Cheryl] Oh, God! Sorry!
[He shuts the hand off]
What are you doing?!
I thought you said "start slacking off."
Not "slacking off"!
Hey! Kidnappers! Super not in the mood for this right now!
Why are you even here?
Hello... [holding up number to bid on sex with Lana]
But you're gay!
Girl, please, nobody's that gay.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Archer pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.