Malory Archer quotes from Archer

Lana

What would you say if I told you your mother made a phony bomb threat just to get a free ride on a blimp?

Archer

I'd say that's fairly classic her.

Lana

CAP-tain LAM-mers!

Archer

Nice read, Velma.

Lana

Where the fuck are you going?!

Archer

To get my turtleneck! I'm not diffusing a bomb in this.

The stock price could only go up, they said. Well guess what?

Archer

Uh... it didn't?

Pam

Cyril got in over his head and…

Malory

Jesus God, did he kill her?!

Pam

No, he ran from her to go confess to Lana. But then this one starts freaking out and...I kinda had to drown her in the tub.

Malory

So you killed her?

Pam

Apparently not. So...good news.

Lana

What are you doing back there?

Archer

I don't know!

Lana

What, are you just hitting random keys?

Archer

Well, obviously!

Lana

Yes, we need a code cloner! Duh!

Archer

These were all I could find. I'm thinking: goggles, yes; shovels, I don't know how or why we'd use them.

Lana

[To Malory] So as you can see, we are completely unprepared for this mission!

Archer

[Wearing night-vision goggles and holding a shovel] Unless it involves night-shoveling.

Archer

Cyril. Cyril! CYRIL!

Cyril

What?!

Archer

I'm rescuing Lana, as usual!

Cyril

Hey, shut up!

Archer

Frickin' ODIN.

Lana

How many are there?

Archer

About a gillion.

Lana

Dammit.

Archer

A gillion gay, little copy-cats.

Lana

What?

Archer

I didn't invent the turtleneck, Lana. But I was the first to see it's potential as a tactical garment. The Tactical Turtleneck, Lana. The... Tactleneck!

Lana

We'll never catch him in this thing!

Archer

Maybe you should've thought about that before you blew the damn drop!

Lana

I blew jack shit!

Archer

Name dropper.

Archer

ODIN doesn't beat Sterling Archer! Only Sterling Archer beats... [He trails off as he realizes he's lost the target.]

Lana

Do you wanna finish that thought?

Archer

Do you wanna shut your big, fat, negative, wordsy mouth?!

[after Archer hits a polo ball out the window] God, you're a natural! Bet it's all that lacrosse at boarding school, no doubt.

Archer

Yeah, 13 years' worth.

13 years?! What, did she ship you off in kindergarten?! Gosh, that must've been tough.

Archer

No, I loved it. Uh... made a lot of good friends. [Quick cutaway to a young Archer sitting alone on the lacrosse field] Family, almost, is what they were.

Speaking of, how's your mother taking all this?

Archer

Oh, please. I bet she doesn't even miss me.

Malory

[drunk on Absinthe] Because he'll be back, crying for his mommy! Just like that Christmas break when I moved and forgot to give my new address to his stupid boarding school. [Cheryl gasps.] I mean, he rode the train into the city all by himself. He couldn't pick up a phone book? Nine years old, and bawling in that police station like a little girl! What's that tell you?

Cheryl

Kind of a lot, actually.

Malory

Oh, shut up. I bet you're barren.

Malory

I don't care if he's happy!

Well, that's obvious.

Malory

Meaning what exactly?!

Meaning who leaves a nine-year-old in a police station on Christmas?!

Malory

Eve! And he told you about that?

Oh, we've had such great talks.

Malory

Fire him!

Join him! Come work for me.

Malory

Have you lost your mind?!

Every time I see you.

Malory

Fire him.

Can't do it.

Malory

Can't or won't?

Either?

Lana

Telex. You got one in here?

Archer

Why? So you can smash that too?

Lana

No.

Archer

[Talking over Lana] Because I'm pretty sure I'm financially responsible for the furnishings!