Malory Archer quotes from Archer

Archer

How long do I need to keep them on?

Ray

Two minutes.

Lana

What?!

Archer

What happened to thirty seconds?!

Ray

Uh, your mother's budget priorities?!

Cheryl

It's crazy stupid boring in here!

Archer

Well, now you know how Babou feels.

Cheryl

...Crepuscular?

Lana

Archer and Ray had to leave through the garage.

Malory

Well, they're not dumb enough to leave the door wide open... are they?

Archer

Yes!

Ray

Why?!

Archer

Because you're just wearing it to piss me off!

Ray

Is it working?

Archer

Yes, so take it off! We look totally gay!

Ray

I am gay.

Archer

Well, I'm not!

Ray

Then why are you wearing that turtleneck?

Archer

Shut up! That vest is bullet-proof!

Cheryl

Oh. [gets shot in the arm] OW!

Archer

But it is, y'know, a vest.

Pam

[To Malory] And you! The worst of the bunch!

Malory

Me? Why me?

Pam

Five thousand measly dollars?!

Malory

Y'know, maybe I low-balled him at first... But I had some wiggle room.

Pam

Yeah? Well let's see how much you wiggle when I'm whupping five thousand buck's worth of your ass.

Lana

What the--?

Archer

What the hell is that?

Cheryl

Ugh, my stupid ocelot.

Archer

[leaves, excited] I've never seen an ocelot!

Malory

Uh, Cheryl, dear, I don't quite know how to put this, but--

Archer

[OC] Holy shit! You guys, look at its little spots!

Malory

How much are you--

Archer

Look at its tufted ears!

Malory

Worth?

Ray

Viola!

Malory

No! I am not sharing a room with you!

Ray

No, I'm sharing it with you, and it's the last one in the hotel. No view, but it has two queens.

Malory

Where's the other one? Greasing up in the bathroom?

Ray

Hey! You know what?

Lana

Ray, this is fine, two of us will just have to double up...

Malory

Exactly, two of you.

Ray

Exsqueeze me?

Malory

Oh don't worry. He may be a vain, selfish, lying, and quite possibly alcoholic man-whore, but gambling is one vice Sterling doesn't have.

Archer

Uh, I guess it's cause he's doing all that other awesome stuff, thanks mother.

Malory

Why isn't there a metal briefcase full of bearer-bonds handcuffed to your drinking arm?!

Archer

Uh, [Raises his glass] pretty sure you just answered your own question.

Lana

Why would she pay four millions dollars for unverified information?

Ray

Well, either she's getting Alzheimer's...

Archer

Hey.

Ray

Or it's another sex-tape.

Archer

HEY! [pause] Actually, that would not surprise me.

Benoit...

Archer

Balls.

Archer

I have a plan to get the money back. [See's Ray carrying a bag of toiletries] That doesn't include you taking my hotel toiletries!

Ray

You're not using them.

Archer

Yes, I am.

Ray

Go look at your pores then tell me you're using them. Then tell me your little genius plan.

Archer

Rob the casino.

Ray

Thanks for the lotion.

Archer

He's headed for the coast road!

Ray

Thanks Captain Obvious!

Lana

What the hell are you doing?!

Archer

Shooting at his tires so he loses control and drives off the cliff!

Lana

With the bearer bonds!

Archer

Yes, Lana, with the... Dammit!

I can't see, you fool; get off!

Archer

I am getting off, I love this.