M2Meatwad #2
No, please. After you.
Master ShakeShut up.
M2Meatwad #2
I couldn't possibly. after you.
No, no, no, no, I insist -- after you.
Master Shake
Shut up, both of you.
M2Meatwad #2
: No, please. Your hands are full. You go ahead.
M2Meatwad #2
But I just rather that you go first.
Why don't you just go ahead anyways?
M2Meatwad #2
No, no, I couldn't.
Master Shake
SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP! [slams the door and runs away in fear, but the door just opens back up]
[brief pause]
M2Meatwad #2
You lead the way.
[the Meatwads have gathered in the living room]
Master Shake
They're meeting on how to form their own stupid government!
The floor recognizes Meatwad!
Master Shake
But here's the fun part: they're still trying to decide on who should bring the juice boxes.
I'd hate for you to bring that much trouble, 'cause I can bring juice boxes.
Master Shake
SEVENTY FIVE MINUTES...of this.
Aw, juice boxes are expensive. Let ME bring the juice boxes.
Master Shake
It is so fucking retarded! [Meatwads arguing while Shake is talking] We are not establishing a democracy in this house! THIS is a DICTATORSHIP! And I RULE WITH AN IRON DICK!
Let's call the matter to a vote. Raise your hand if you would like to bring the juice boxes. [All Meatwads raise their "hands"] Aaaand let's count...no one can count. We're deadlocked again.
OMOther Meatwad
I demand a recount!
As I said, no one counted right the first time.
Master Shake
Frylock, I'm on my last leg! You need to help me mush all this together, and set fire to it!
No, no no no. I have a better idea. [to the Meatwads] Hey gang! Let's all sing a song!
Okay! Okey-dokey! All rightey-rooney!
[singing] Three million bottles of beer on the wall....
[brief pause]
[singing]....Three million bottles of beer...
[singing] Take one down, pass it around, two million, nine hundred ninety-nine thousand. nine hundred ninety nine bottles of beer on the wall!
[gets a suitcase] See you dude. [leaves]
Master Shake
Wait. Wait don't go!
[singing in the background] Two million, nine hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred ninety nine bottles of beer on the wall, two million, nine hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred ninety nine bottles of beer...
Master Shake
You know what? I'm leaving too! [brief pause] Okay that was a bluff, but- DON'T GO!
OMOne Meatwad
Wait...I got mixed up. Start over.
Master Shake
[freaking out] NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Three million bottles of beer on the wall....
Master Shake
Is someone there?
Master Shake
Speak up, please.
Master Shake
You've left us.
Yeah, man. I've got the thinking how trapped I had been all those years, you know? So, I've wrote a book on the dangers of codependency, and it was a best-seller. I've turned it into a lucrative franchise of six movies, a tv show, and a series of self-help discs. I've married Cheryl Tiegs, divorced her, and married her underaged granddaughter. And we live very happily on a small island, south of France, with the New York Football Giants, who I've purchased two years ago with all the proceeds of my wildly successful life.
Master Shake
Well, seems like you've wasted a lot of time.
[The Aqua Teens are in church]
Master Shake
Where is the food?
Master Shake
You said there was gonna be food and I don't see meat! I see bread, but that ain't a sandwich.
Master Shake
There's no protein. I wanna be Muscle Man for Halloween and I have to start NOW!
Will you shut up? They have to bless it first!
Master Shake
Oh, Je-
[cuts off Shake] Don't you say it.
Master Shake
What I'm not allowed to say a NAME?
You're taking it in vain.
Master Shake
No I'm not. When I use it, I get results.
Master Shake
(as Frylock gives money during an offering in Church) Where'd you get money?
I worked for it. And I'm giving it to the church, because you need to experience how it feels to give, and not just receive, like you usually do!
But also, how it feels to receive too. 'Cause that's a good feeling too y'all. When Santa Clause comes down from the cross, and give me all that stuff I asked for.
(sighs; as Meatwad called a statue of Jesus Christ's crucifixion Santa) That ain't Santa Clause, okay? How many times do I gotta tell you that?
Well he got a beard. And that ain't a belly full of jelly. Look like he got an appendectomy scar. Is this the mall? 'Cause I'm sitting here wondering how I gonna sit on his lap when he's hanging from some nails.
(angry) Santa Claus did NOT die for our sins!!
Santa Claus is dead?! No!!
Master Shake
Yes. He crashed his sleigh, right into a wall...'cause he was drinking a lot...
Master Shake
It was a twisted fiery wreckage...of sleigh, reindeer bones, and the old fat bastard's guts.
(leaving) Excuse me, folks we need to go. (drags Master Shake with him)
Master Shake
And who's drunk enough to get nailed to wood?! I can see maybe one nail! But then you'd think he'd move! But NOOOO. We gotta revere him for his slow reaction time?!
[during a recording session]
Master Shake
[rapping] Happy birthday Jesus / You are the one / Coming down to Earth / From planet Krypton / Rollin out tracks and getting it on / like the 'Wrath of Khan' with Ricardo Montalban / It rained fishes and loaves on the bitches and the hos / They said they want some mo' and he said, "Hell no!" / Yo I got the flow / You ghost ridin' the whip / You suckin' on my-
MMichael
Okay, let's cut it there.
Master Shake
[breathes] Whoo! I was hoping to get the word 'ding-dong' in on that take, but I ran out of breath.
Master Shake
I have a gun and I will shoot your hand clean the hell off. I will do it!
[carrying hot dogs] Hey y'all.
Master Shake
Do it right now! I'LL GO GET MY GUN!
You know, they giving out free hot dogs over at that car dealership down the way.
Master Shake
I prefer the meat of the burger!
...yeah, that meat...ain't looking so good. Seems like the burger has moved some, ain't it?
(crazed) Yeah, the ants are breeding. They want to TAKE IT FROM US.
Master Shake
But that ain't happening on our watch, right man! Gimme five.
Get your fucking hand out of my face.
Master Shake
PROFANITY VIO-! Ohh! Ohhhhhh, profanity violation! Phil! PHIL!
PPhil
Wh-What's up, what's going on?
Master Shake
Phil, he is INDISCRIMINATELY dropping F-bombs on the heads of all these kids around here.
PPhil
Yeah, there's-there's nothing about profanity in the bylaws, so...
Master Shake
Come on, man. Don't you wanna see this end?
PPhil
Look, I get paid by the hour, man.
Master Shake
Phil, come on. Please, I know you.
Master Shake
We've been through a lot together, haven't we- Hey, how is your wife?
Don't listen to him, man!
Master Shake
Didn't she have a baby or something while we were here? What'd you name it, I was wondering.
PPhil
Penelope. I've told you like, five times.
Master Shake
Might be nice to get this over with-
Master Shake
-and spend some time with that cute little...
Master Shake
Girl, great, that's right!
Master Shake
I might be able to give you and her some uh, some sesame seeds off of this bun to play with...
He's trying to trick you, Phil!
Master Shake
...IF we could maybe end this soon?
PPhil
I- He's gotta take his hands off. That's the only way he's gonna be disqualified.
Master Shake
I'm WELL-VERSED in the bylaws, asshole!
[in a hospital room near an elderly man on life support]
Master Shake
This is the plan? What the hell is this?!
Shut up and read! Aloud! For his pleasure.
Master Shake
Come on this guy isn't even awake! Bleah. Smells like hot clam juice in here!
Master Shake
[gives him the finger] Read this. Between the lines. What does it say?
[Angel sighs and sends Master Shake down to a flaming place for about 5 seconds, Master Shake reappears charred and burning]
Master Shake
Ooh, ooh, okay which book? Show me- Show me which book so I can read to that guy!
The pop-up book! [gives Shake a book entitled "Sammy the Gerbil and His Big Muffin Adventure"]
Master Shake
Well there's nothing to read! All the pages are gone!
He won't mind. He doesn't have any family.
Master Shake
Yeah, because he's boring. Would you visit this? I wouldn't! You have to engage people, with clever conversation and- [Angel sighs and sends Master Shake screaming down to the burning place again for about 5 seconds, Master Shake reappears charred and burning] Ahh ahh ahh! Okay! So here's the title! Sammy the Gerbil, and His Muffin Adventure.
[long pause]
Over and over and over again!
Master Shake
[annoyed] Sammy the Gerbil and his Muffin Adventure.
Master Shake
[a little more feeling] Sammy the Gerbil and his Muffin Adventure!
Master Shake
[mysteriously] Sammy, the Gerbil! And his Muffin, ADVE-E-ENTURE!!!
Ask Carl if there's anything you can do for him.
Master Shake
Carl, is there anything I could possibly do for you?
Go down to the mall and buy me a half-dozen black graphic tees. The one with the wings and the barbed wire and they say "Choke Out!"
Master Shake
Are you serious?
[Cut to later: Carl wearing a black graphic tee that says "Surf's Up"]
Aw, these are knock-offs! Read this back to me! What does it say?
Master Shake
"Surf's Up"
"Surf's Up"! What did I tell you?! I told you I wanted the real ones that say "Choke Out!"
Where have I heard that one before? Maybe coming out of my own mouth when we were at the mall looking at the shirts?
Master Shake
"Surf's Up" were cheaper. I'm on a fixed budget here, man.
Well I guess we're going back to the mall.
You go back to the mall! [Cut to Carl wearing a similar tee, but it says "Choke Out"] Yeah! That's what I'm talking about! Yeah!
Master Shake
For what?! I did that for him! [is burned by the angel then reappears] Aah! Aah! aah!
Master Shake
Yes. Yes, of course. Thank you, Carl, for being there while I replenished your wardrobe with my dangerously overextended credit cards.
Master Shake
Frylock! Come on, get this thing to go! Hurry! [smashing Frylock's Computer]
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't hit it like that. What are you trying to do?
Master Shake
I'm--I need to hire a demon immediately please! I mean, sir! I mean-- stop bein' nice!
You could check out Craigslist.
Master Shake
Good idea, thanks man! I mean, I know that already! Now get out of your room so you can go be stupid somewhere else please jerkface!
Why aren't you waxing--ohhh. Hey do you have a bathroom?
What? Uh. I'll be right back.
Master Shake
You could see him? Hurry up! How long does angel diarrhea last?
I don't know. It probably varies. Why don't you just google it?
Master Shake
Hey! How do you spell "diarrhea"?
Master Shake
Well, angel, we meet again. But this time, it is I who possess the power. Isn't that right, Neil?
Master Shake
Neelzebub, right. You may be interested to know that I purchased six cases of beer for Neelzebub and his underaged friends, and then I am going to drive them all to the Insane Clown Posse show.
And how is that gonna defeat me?
Master Shake
That's a pretty good question. Neil?
NNeil
Hey, guys, you want to see me fart on something?
Master Shake
Neil, over here, please.
NNeil
Oh, God! Read from the scrolls!
Master Shake
Hmm. I'll hypnotize you like a vampire. Bite your neck and set your head on fire.
Are those actual ICP lyrics?
Master Shake
Yeah.
"I'll hypnotize you, then bite your neck, then set your head on fire" there's, like, one -- one item in there is not necessary at all, and you can take your pick.
Master Shake
Neil, he's not doing anything. Got nothing here.
NNeil
It's gonna take like a few minutes now, 'cause you weren't standing still and you didn't have your hands up. So can you, like, drive us to the concert now?
Master Shake
But your mom's gonna pick you up, right?
NNeil
Yeah, um, Lee's mom.
Master Shake
Leeman the demon? I thought he was grounded.
NNeil
He's uh, he's sneaking out.
Wait, wait, wait. If he's sneaking out, how is his mom going to pick you up? Does he tell his mom he's sneaking out? 'Cause then it's not really sneaking out, right?
Master Shake
Yeah, Neil? She won't know about it.
NNeil
Uh, well, can you pick us up, also?
Master Shake
Both ways?!
You're just chauffeuring these guys around.
Master Shake
You never even told Lee's mom, did you? Did you?! That was not part of the deal, Neil.
Ooh, quick question. Is this is part of the deal? [sends Master Shake to the flaming area]
LLee
Oh, my god, that's fuckin' awesome.
Master Shake
[reappears charred and burning] Aah! aah! That's your cue, Neil! Come on!
Master Shake
Call upon the power! aah!
NNeil
Can you show me that? Show me that! You got to show me that!
Well, maybe when you're older, tiger. How old are you, anyway?
Master Shake
Neil! You said you were fully licensed to do this!
NNeil
Well, Yeah, I said that, but um, my Dad's an attorney, and he says you got to get everything in writing. Sorry.
Master Shake
Fine. You know what? I'm ending this now. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.
Master Shake
Nice to meet you all. I'll see you all in hell. [sticks a shotgun in his mouth and kills himself]
[Meatwad is calling Frylock because he is not paying attention and is transfixed by a game on his phone and he almost drowned]
FSFrylock's Voicemail
Waaasuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup?! If you need to leave a message, just do so after the beep.
Hey, I almost died over in that pool over here...next to you! So hit me back on my celly. 'Cause I wanna yell at you. Talk about dinner. All right later. [hangs up]
[still playing] Yeah... awesome!
Master Shake
(angry) Your son is drowning...
He knows, I left him a voicemail.
Aqua Teen Hunger Force · 785 quotes
