Animaniacs Season 1 quotes

Newsreel of the Stars! Dateline: Hollywood, 1930, the Warner Bros. Studio. Here at the studio's new animation department, the artists toil endlessly to come up with cartoon stars, ultimately creating three new characters. [The Animator, Lon Borax, draws a wise-cracking, smart-and-fast-talking, oldest sibling with pants with a black belt; a very sweet-natured, loving, laughable, and positive middle sibling with a backwards baseball cap and a pale turtleneck sweater; and a cute and sassy youngest sibling with a skirt with a flower ribbon. Then he gets a red marker and paints them on their noses] The Warner Brothers and their sister, Dot.

Helllooooo, Nurse!

Unfortunately, the Warner kids were totally out of control.

[bouncing down the stairs] Boingy, boingy, boingy, boingy!

The trio ran amok throughout the studio. Until their capture. The Warners' films, which made absolutely no sense, were locked away in the studio vault, never to be released! As for the Warners themselves, they were locked away in the studio water tower, also never to be released! Publicly, the studio has disavowed any knowledge of the Warners' existence, to this very day- when the Warners escaped!

[narrating] After the Varner Brothers escaped, I was called to see the chairman of the board of the Varner Brothers studio.

[smiles, then shouting] THE WARNER BROTHERS ARE WREAKING HAVOC THROUGHOUT THE STUDIO, SCRATCHANSNIFF! AND I WON'T HAVE IT! [walking on the table up to a nervous Dr. Scratchansniff] In order for a studio to run efficiently, there must be order, calmness, control. The Warner Brothers have taken the calmness and replaced it with chaos! They're too zany, Scratchansniff! I haven't been this upset since we made Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead. And I have chosen you to get the Warner Brothers under control.

Vhy me?

Because you're a psychiatrist, dummy.

Oh...

Und zo, I scheduled an appointment with The Varner Brothers. I'll never forget our first session...

The Warner Brothers are here for their 3:00 appointment. You be good little boys.

Mmm. [fall their heads down]

Dot

[walks over, and pulls their tongues back into their mouths like a window shade; shrugs to the camera] Boys.

[jumps into Scratchy's arms along with Wakko] How you doing, Scratchy?

I take umbrage at that.

Oh, sure. Take all the umbrage. Don't leave any for us.

No, I mean I take offence.

And you want our fence too? [pulling a wooden plank fence out of nowhere] All right, take it, but that's all. We're tapped out. [gives Dr. Scratchansniff the wooden plank fence]

[throws the wooden plank fence away] I think it's time we got down to business, ja?

[rapping] Now-our first quarter figures are really low as this-a business-a graph will hopefully show.

What are you doing?

We're getting down... to business.

[takes the stick] You always make ze jokes. Zis is not good. No more jokes, ja? [the Warner Siblings nod] Ja. Good, now, plant yourselves on ze couch there. [the Warner Siblings jump onto the couch and literally sprout up into flowers] I said, no more jokes!

This isn't a joke, it's a visual gag.

Well, no more jokes, gags, or monkey stuff.

Define monkey stuff.

Yeah, THE MONKEY STUFF! THE MONKEY STUFF! You know, you walks around like a silly monkey. [acting like a monkey] Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Und' you be all goofy like a monkey. Zat is the monkey stuff.

Wakko

Maybe you should see a p-sy-chiatrist.

I am a p-sych-...uh. I mean, a psychiatrist! EUH! [while he paces back and forth, the Warner Siblings follow him, copying him, walking like Ancient Egyptians, and as a British tourist group] Ah... I know vhat you kids vant, ja! You vant to talk to Mr. Puppethead! [pulls out a hand puppet resembling him] Hello kids, I'm Mr. Puppethead! Tell me vhy you always make the jokes. [the Warners look at the puppet awkwardly] Vhy aren't you talking with Mr. Puppethead? No, no, it iz very easy. Watch me, watch me. [clears throat] Hello, Mr. Puppethead, how are you? I am fine, Dr. Scratchansniff. How are you? I am fine, Mr. Puppethead. Did you have a yummy breakfast? Oh yes, yes! Very yummy, thank you. How was your breakfast? My breakfast was yummy as vell. [to the Warner siblings] Now you see? Isn't that easy?

Uhmm...are you sure you don't want to see a p-sychiatrist?

I am a p-sychi- I mean psychiatrist! [tearing at his hair with the puppet] I AM! I AM! I AM! I AM!

Mr. Puppethead's hungry.

[narrating, as he is reading "Understanding Children"as "Nobody Knows the Trouble I've Seen" plays in the background again] After much research, I decided to meet with each Varner Brother individually, starting with ze Varner Brothers' sister, Dot.

Dot...may I call you "Dot"?

Dot

Yeah. But call me "Dottie" and ya die.

"Dot" is it. I'm going to show you some pictures, und I vant you to tell me what they look like. [shows Dot an inkblot] Vhat do you say to this?

Dot

I'd say you're not a very good artist.

I didn't draw that.

Dot

Well, whoever did needs to go back to school.

No, it's an inkblot.

Dot

I'll say.

No, no, no. It's not supposed to look like anything!

Dot

Then you did a very good job.

I DIDN'T DRAW IT! Doesn't it looks like a little kitty cat or a butterfly or something?

Dot

No. [takes off the inkblot and changes it into a butterfly] That's a butterfly.

Now, then, Wakko, let's you and I talk, hmm?

Wakko

Okay.

Good. Vhat's on your mind?

Wakko

My hat.

No, no, no. Your hat is on your head. Vhat is on your mind?

Wakko

My... skin?

No, that's on your head. Vhat's on your mind?

Wakko

Oh, I got it! My hair!

Your hair is on your head! [tears off some of his hair] ZIS IS HAIR! ZIS IS HAIR! IT IS NOT ON MY MIND! IT IS ON MY HEAD!

Wakko

No, it's in your hand.

[shakes in anger before exhaling] Let's try something different, okay?

Wakko

Okay.

Vhy don't you tell me vhat you're feeling?

Wakko

My shirt.

No, that's vhat you're touching.Vhat are you feeling?

Wakko

My nose?

THAT'S VHAT YOU'RE TOUCHING! VHAT ARE YOU FEELING?! [calms down] Just tell me how you feel.

Wakko

I feel fine.

Good! Now, ve're getting somewhere. Vould you care to expand on that?

Wakko

Okay. [breaths in and his whole body expands like a balloon]

Vhat? No, no! Not that type of expanding! STOP IT!

Wakko

'Scuse me. [kisses Scratchansniff full on the mouth and runs away]

Now, then, Yakko, let us do a little word association, hmm? I'll say a word, und you say any word that you think of. Any word that comes to mind.

Brain.

No, no. We haven't started.

Begun.

No, wait.

Yield.

No, stop!

Cease.

SILENCE!

Quiet.

ENOUGH!

Plenty.

Would - You - Please - Listen?!

Hear.

NO, YOU STUPID KID! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!

Comprehend.

[screams in frustration and carries Yakko to the door] Get out, get out, GET OUT!

Leave, leave, leave.

[kicks him out and slams the door, huffing and puffing] THOSE KIDS IS DRIVING ME CRAZY!

[pops his head through the door] Insane, unhinged, demented.

Und zis is how it's been. Zey's always driving me kooky in the kopf, und they're still not de-zanitized. Am I crazy, doctor? [turns to see in shock] Huuuh!

[in a German accent] You are suffering from acute Warneritis.

AAH! [literally blasts off into Outer Space like a rocket ship, leaving a hole shaped like himself in the ceiling, and blasting all the way to Mars. He crashes upon landing on Mars]

[in a normal voice] Was it something I said?

And now, the nations of the world, brought to you by Yakko Warner!

[singing] United States, Canada, Mexico, Panama, Haiti, Jamaica, Peru, Republic Dominican, Cuba, Caribbean, Greenland, El Salvador, too. Puerto Rico, Colombia, Venezuela, Honduras, Guyana, and still, Guatemala, Bolivia, then Argentina, and Ecuador, Chile, Brazil. Costa Rica, Belize, Nicaragua, Bermuda, Bahamas, Tobago, San Juan, Paraguay, Uruguay, Suriname, and French Guiana, Barbados, and Guam. Norway, and Sweden, and Iceland, and Finland, and Germany, now in one piece, Switzerland, Austria, Czechoslovakia, Italy, Turkey, and Greece. Poland, Romania, Scotland, Albania, Ireland, Russia, Oman, Bulgaria, Saudi Arabia, Hungary, Cyprus, Iraq, and Iran. There's Syria, Lebanon, Israel, Jordan, Both Yemens, Kuwait, and Bahrain, The Netherlands, Luxembourg, Belgium, and Portugal, France, England, Denmark, and Spain. India, Pakistan, Burma, Afghanistan, Thailand, Nepal, and Bhutan, Kampuchea, Malaysia, then Bangladesh, Asia, and China, Korea, Japan. Mongolia, Laos, and Tibet, Indonesia, The Philippine Islands, Taiwan, Sri Lanka, New Guinea, Sumatra, New Zealand, Then Borneo, and Vietnam. Tunisia, Morocco, Uganda, Angola, Zimbabwe, Djibouti, Botswana, Mozambique, Zambia, Swaziland, Gambia, Guinea, Algeria, Ghana. Burundi, Lesotho, and Malawi, Togo, The Spanish Sahara is gone, Niger, Nigeria, Chad, and Liberia, Egypt, Benin, and Gabon. Tanzania, Somalia, Kenya, and Mali, Sierra Leone, and Algiers, Dahomey, Namibia, Senegal, Libya, Cameroon, Congo, Zaire. Ethiopia, Guinea-Bissau, Madagascar, Rwanda, Mahore and Cayman, Hong Kong, Abu Dhabi, Qatar, Yugoslavia...Crete, Mauritania, then Transylvania, Monaco, Liechtenstein, Malta, and Palestine, Fiji, Australia, Sudan!

[written and spoken] Bern, Switzerland, 1905, home of cheese, clocks, chocolate and neutrality... but mostly chocolate.

[singing] Open your doors and buy our cookies. Yodel-idel-adel-adel-yadel-odel-eee, support the scouts, get out your wallets Yodel-idel-adel-adel-yadel-odel-eee!

Wakko

[singing] Yodel-eh-hi-hu! Yodel-uh-ha-ha! Yodel-eh-hi-hee! Yodel-idel-adel-yadel-yodle-diddle-dodle-doodle doba-dee-dee! [spoken] Sorry, it's the chocolate talking.

[walking by while carrying a tray full of mugs with hot chocolate] Hot chocolate. Hot chocolate.

Wakko

Helloooo Swiss nurse, miss! [starts walking towards her]

[grabs him] Oh no you don't. We've got cookies to sell. Well scouts, there it is. [the scene reveals a house with a blue door and some windows on it] The last house in the city. [they walk to the house] And we only need to sell one more box of cookies to get our merit badges.

Dot

[reads the name of the mailbox] "Albert Einstein". He sounds dreamy.

If the sun is P, and gravity is H, it makes a ppphhhhh. No no no no, the theory of relativity has escaped me! Why can't I get it?! WHY?! [the Doorbell rings and he turns to the door] Oh! This better be important, I'm thinking about black holes. [the Warners are standing at his house as he opens the door]

Like blackheads? You must be a dermatologist.

I am not. I am Albert Einstein, world-famous physicist.

Oh. I've never had a cyst, but Wakko's got a wart you can look at.

[looks at it] Eww. Vat do you kids want?

Wakko

You wanna buy a yummy box of kids scout cookies? [gets a green box of cookies and he hands it to Einstein]

Cookies? Vat would I do with cookies?

Dot

Ya eat 'em, silly moustache man. Woah, dumber than advertised.

No I don't want cookies. I'm trying to unlock the mysteries of the universe! Now be good little scouts, and run away! [shuts the door]

Wakko

[sits on the steps] Goodbye, merit badges.

Dot

Oh, oh! My heart aches with the sorrow of a thousand scouts. No merit badge, I mourn my loss. [sobs into her hands]

[claps along with Wakko] Say, those acting classes are really paying off.

Dot

Think so?

Don't worry siblings, we'll sell that nice man a box of cookies or die trying... or try dying, or do some tie dying! [gets a tie dye shirt, while Wakko and Dot clap]

And now, to measure the speed of light. [turns on the lightbulb] Boy, that's quick. [gets off his chair and walks to the chalkboard and he turns it around, while the Warners are standing] OH!

Hello! [they jump out of the chalkboard and kiss Einstein]

[grossed out] Phht!

Dot

Well how about it, kid? Want some cookies?

No, no, no, no cookies!

How about a chia pet? [shows one from hand]

No! I- oh, look at that! [the chia pet grows] Oh it's got little fuzzy grass. Well- [realizing what he is doing] no I can't, I can't! Don't you understand?! I can't be disturbed! I'm trying to figure out an equation that explains the universe!

Shouldn't you stick to skin disorders?

I am not a dermatologist!

Alright, alright, we get the picture! If you don't want any cookies, then just leave.

I'm not going to leave, this is my house.

Alright then, you leave.

Fine. [looks at him walking out of his own house, while Wakko jumps on an X-ray and Dot watches him as he opens and slams the door. As Einstein walks outside of his house, he stops, realizing that he's been duped] Grrrrrr! [goes back inside, then kicks Yakko, Wakko and Dot out the house and shuts the door]

Wakko

Now what?

Now, it's time for the hard sell.

No more disruptions. [turns to the windows and pulls the first one, then the second one, then the third one has Yakko, Wakko and Dot on it]

Hello!

Aargh! [runs to the green chair and hides] YOU!

No, this is a "ewe". [takes a female sheep called an ewe] We're just plain old us.

[about to cry] Why won't you leave me alone?

Boy, have we got a deal for you! For a limited time only, when you buy our cookies, we'll throw in the amazing Acme pocket-fisherman! [a comically small fisherman waves at the audience. He then hands a fishing pole, a tackle box, and a cabin shower] The pocket-fisherman comes complete with fishing pole, tackle box and potty. He may be small, but he eats.

Dot

But wait, there's more. You'll also get the amazing Acme hair magnet. [Wakko carries a magnet that reads ACME, and Einstein's hair raises up. Dot has a comb and Yakko has a brush; they both have spraying cans] A unique solution to fine limp hair!

Wakko

[has a camera and hides as he takes a photo] Smile! [the camera flashes and he holds the photo] You didn't smile.

To get the cookies, pocket-fisherman and hair magnet, here's how to order. [pulls the screen]

Dot

[sit on a chair and breaks the 4th wall] Hi, I'm Dot, an operator here at Acme. Order now, and we'll also throw in "Unexplained Mysteries of Fudge". Call now.

Wakko

[wears a red shirt and some black pants, then holds a calculator; in his Scottish accent] I don't think he can take much more, captain. He's about to blow.

I guess you really don't want any cookies, huh?

How can I eat cookies when the theory of relativity has escaped me?! It's all wrong! All wrong! [erases the chalkboard and wents to his desk, while Yakko, Wakko and Dot look at Einstein as he sits on his chair] I am a failure. Einstein is a dummy. Stupid Einstein dummy-boy.

[look impressed, and huddle in a whisper] Hey, Einstein! [singing] Whenever we're feeling blue, here's what we always do. When your face is long, sing the Acme song, you'll feel so fresh and new!

[runs to the chalkboard and draws some letters; singing] There's the A that's first, there's a C that's next, there's an M you're almost done. There's the E, it's last, now spell it out: A-C-M-E, that's fun.

Wakko

[spoken] Now, backwards! [singing] There's the E that's last, there's the M, it's next, There's C, you're almost done. There's the A, it's first, what's first is last. E-M-C-A, we're done.

[walks up to the chalkboard; spoken] Pretty good, Wakko, but your A always looks like a 2.

That's it! That's it! The theory of relativity, E equals MC squared! Energy equals mass times the speed of light squared! You kids is geniuses! E equals MC squared! [the scene changes to his house] E equals MC squared! [the scene changes to the City of Bern, Switzerland] E equals MC squared!

The nobel prize in physics goes to Albert Einstein and the Warner Brothers.

Dot

And the Warner sister.

Hey, it's no merit badge, but it'll do.

Gee, Brain, what do you want to do tonight?

The same thing we do every night, Pinky... Try to take over the world!

[singing] They're Pinky and the Brain, They're Pinky and the Brain. One is a genius; the other's insane. They're laboratory mice. Their genes have been spliced. They're dinky; they're Pinky and The Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain.