[After "Dance of the Sugarplum Fairy Op. 71 a Andante ma non troppo" from "The Nutcracker Suite" leaves both Slappy and Skippy dazed...]
Hold it! Stop the music there! [the music stops] What's with the sappy music and the dancing? I don't do pathos and I can't dance, don't ask me. [to Charlton Woodchuck] Wait a minute. You look familiar. Unappealing, but familiar.
Aunt Slappy, that's the director, Charlton Woodchuck.
BAYNARTS! [slaps him on the back] What're you doin' here, you ol' son of a hack?
CCharlton
It's "Charlton". It's written in my contract that when I was old enough, I would get to direct.
Yeah, Skippy has the same deal.
[dressed like Steven Spielberg] Love you, babe, but we're losing our light.
[taps the script] What's with six minutes of opening a walnut?
CCharlton
Don't you see? It's a parable about man against nature. The nut represents the struggle to achieve our goals.
[tears up the script] There! My goal is achieved!
CCharlton
[sighs] Let me put it this way, Sloppy.
CCharlton
That's "Charlton". Either you do this script, or you don't get paid.
[Slappy goes nose to nose with Charlton, glaring...then grins winningly, complete with cash register sound]
[At the end of the cartoon, after finally getting the shell to open...]
Hey, von Stroheim! There's no nut inside this shell!
CCharlton
Yes, exactly, it's the emptiness of our existence! That's symbolism, that's metaphor!
Yeah, but that's not comedy! [stuffs Charlton into the nutshell] Now there's a nut inside!
You're adorable, but that's my line!
This is the city: Los Angeles, California. On a starlit winter's night, when the moon was shining bright...Back in January of 1994, at 4:30 in the morning, and without a single warning, something strange began to move the floor. A quake! a quake! The house begins to shake! You're bouncing 'cross the floor and watching all your dishes break. You're sleeping, there's a quake, you're instantly awake. You're leaping out of bed and shouting.
I ran outside with neighbors, their faces filled with shock. That's because I'm standing there In nothing but my socks. Oh, a quake, a quake.
Say, it's all a big mistake!
Just feel the ground go up and down!
Won't someone hit the brake? A quake, a quake, oh, what a mess they make! The bricks, the walls, the chimney falls, destruction in its wake!
I did not have insurance, so I called them from the scene And suddenly I'm listening to an answering machine, saying:
Too late! Too late! You shouldn't ought-a wait! So now you're stuck, we wish you luck! Here comes a 6.8! Whose fault? Whose fault? The San Andreas' fault, cause Mr. Richter can't predict her kicking our asphalt! Seismologists all say tectonic plates are in between an encroaching crustal mantle.
WDWakko and Dot
Yeah, so what the heck's that mean?
It means a quake! A quake!
WDWakko and Dot
Oh, really, yeah, no fake? We kinda had that feeling When the ground began to shake!
California's great! It's such a lovely state! 'Cause every lawn is sitting on a continental plate! Los Angeles had fires and a riot and a flood and then a drought and a recession and then now we hear this thud of a quake, a quake!
How much more can we take?!
We thought that we had seen it all...
But this one takes the cake! The dirt,
And all those aftershocks!
It's just the planet moving granite several city blocks! [to the tune of London Bridge] LA town is falling down while the ground moves around! We won't let it get us down, we're Californians!
It's time to pull up stake.
We're all fed up, we can't deny it!
Fires, quakes, and floods, and riot!
We want someplace with peace and quiet. So we're moving to Beirut!
In Hollywood, they have a different language that they speak.
It's spoken by those folks who went to school for just one week.
It's found inside Variety, a magazine they use.
YDYakko and Dot
And no one understands it when they read the movie news.
Like "Hix makes pix but the flick needs fix"...
Means someone made a movie that bombed.
"The VEEPS in charge are now at large"...
Means everyone involved is gone.
"The plot conflix, no beautiful chix"...
So it's comin' out on video soon.
"They're takin' their licks 'cause the critics say nix"...
And the editors are gonna try to fix it in the mix.
Well, "the stock sees green" on page 13...
Means Disney's up a nickel a share.
"Stallone cuts deal for a major reel"...
Means Rocky Number VI, so beware!
YDYakko and Dot
On Hollywood Town this week, you're gonna have to learn to talk that Variety speak!
Bop-a-doo-bop, a-bop-a-doo-bah, bop-a-doo-bop, a-bop-a-doo-bah!
"A boffo-smash makes Warner cash"...
Means there's gonna be a sequel next year.
But "Paramount hurts and they're losing their shirts"...
Means Schwarzenegger's doing King Lear.
"Oliver Stone does next Home Alone"...
Means he's gettin' paid an arm and a leg. The budget goes "crunch!"...
But his name "packs punch"...
So they called up the accountants and they're gonna "do lunch".
Well, "the ratings smile on the O.J. trial"...
Means a movie of the week to premiere.
"Universal cuts deal with Mr. Spiel"...
To do a hundred thousand movies a year!
You gotta play it smart If y'wanna be part Of the crowd that's hip and chic! You're gonna have to learn to talk that Variety speak!
Bop-a-doo-bop, a-bop-a-doo-bah, Bop-a-doo-bop, a-bop-a-doo-bah!
YDYakko and Dot
Normal talk makes producers walk. You might as well speak Greek. You're gonna have to learn.
Or the meeting will adjourn...
Unless, my friend, you learn that Variety speak!
Bop-a-doo-bop, a-bop-a-doo-bah, Bop-a-doo-bop, a-bop-a-doo-bah!
Bop, doo, bop, doo, bop, doo, bah, dah!
U.N. me, we had a bag of fun down by the East Riverside!
That United Nations there drives away a fella's care.
183 countries meet down by the East Riverside,
New York, off 42nd Street.
See foreign states with a grudge down by the East Riverside.
United Nations tries to fix wars, famine, and oil slicks.
Boutros Boutros Ghali-gee down by the East Riverside,
Leads the General Assembly.
The gift shop will take traveler's checks down by the East Riverside.
German tourists were not rare buying T-shirts and flatware.
Ate pastry from Liberia down by the East Riverside,
At the U.N. cafeteria.
Took a tour with some Dutch down by the East Riverside
We had a guide from Japan who had a decent pension plan.
Saw costly artwork from Brazil down by the East Riverside,
On which my soda I did spill.
U.N. me, we had a bag of fun down by the East Riverside.
Saw flags on shiny poles from lands with lofty goals.
We'll beat our swords into liverwurst down by the East Riverside,
But no one wants to be the first.
But then I guess it could be worse.
We could still sing one more verse.
AAnnouncer
And now, Yakko Warner sings all of the words in the English language!
Aardvark, abating, abet, abdicating. Abandon, abase and abreast. Ablaze and ablution, abhor and abusion. Abbreviate, abbey, abscessed. Abduct and ablation, abridge and abrasion. Abash and abrupt and abride. Abscond and absentia, absent, abstentia. Abdomen, ably, abide. Abominable, abrogate, absolute, absent. Absorbent, abstention, abstraction. Absurd and abundant, abusive, abutment. Acacia, academy, action. Accede and accost and accept and across. And accompany, acre, accord. Accomplish, account and accrue and amount. Acrimonious, active, adored. Adrenaline, adulate, adder and advocate. Advertise, adverse, abrade. Advice, adversarial, advent and aerial. Affluent, after, afraid.
[slightly slower] Level and levity, lewd and longevity. Libel, libation, Lanai. Lithium, litigate, legal, legitimate. Liberty, levy and lie.
Welcome back. Yakko's now at the L's as he tries to sing all the words in the English language. A slight mistake at the F's—here's what it looked like:
[Shows a previous clip]
Facial and faction and fractal and fraction. And fraudulent, fragrant, frappé Frankincense, frankinship...frankinsish...shoot!...Yada yada flambé!
Now, that mistake could have proved costly for Yakko, but he recovered beautifully.
Now let's watch as Yakko continues with the L's.
[starting to get fatigued] Libation and libertine, limited, limousine Limpid and limbo and lime Lima and lipid and literature, liquid And listing and liter and line. There's lobby and loading and loathsome and loaning. And loco and then locomotion. There's lotus and lottery, lobo, lobotomy. Logic and loosen and lotion. Lozenge and lubber and lucky and lover. And lullaby, lumber and Luke. Luster and luscious and lunatic, lustrous. And lurking and lunar and lute.
[overly exhausted] Zachary, Zanzibar, zappy and zamindar. Zillion and Zipcode and Zen. Zany and zoning and zeal and zirconium. Zodiac, zombie, zayin.
Yakko Warner, now moments away from having sung all the words in the English language. Dick Button, is he going to make it?
If it was anyone else, I'd say no, but he's young, he's resilient; we'll just have to see.
Zigging and zagging and zealous and zebra. And zenith and zap and zaffer. Zeppelin and zipper and zephyr and zither. Then zinc and zombini. And zoo and zucchini. And Zulu and Zorro. Then zit and Zamora. And zero and zoom and - ugh! [falls down]
Wait! [struggles up on his knees] Zaire! [falls down again]
[After Yakko sang All the Words in the English Language]
He did it! Yakko Warner has just sung all the words in the English language!
Hey, congratulations, Yakko!
[gets ready to stand up] Thanks, Dick.
Join us next time, when Yakko Warner will sing all of the numbers above zero. Good night!
[Upon hearing this, Yakko bulges his eyes and faints]
[Both Yakko and Wakko run into the hot dog stand guy. The tired Dot walks up normally]
Hi. You must be Mr. Hot Dog Stand Guy.
HDHot Dog Stand Guy
Maybe I am! WHO ARE YOU?!
[hops into the hot dog stand guy's arms] And I'm cute, you great, big, hunk of a man you. [stretching her arms]
HDHot Dog Stand Guy
Oh, yeah?! Well, either you buy some hot dogs or LEAVE!!!
[to the viewers] Our new "special friend".
[Both Yakko and Wakko look at each other]
Hey Dot, how about a little enthusiasm?
Nah. I'm not in the mood for it today.
Hmm...Wanna skip this cartoon?
[Dot nods]
[The Warners leave]
HDHot Dog Stand Guy
Hey. Hey, come back! Hey! This cartoon's my big break! HEY! Sheesh. Stars. [takes off the fake mustache, puts it in the mustard jar, takes off the apron, throws it aside, and walks off]
[The sidewalk reveals to be the set; the lights turned off]
So sister, what's your story?
Well, I was born in the wagon of a travelin' show, my mama used to dance for the money they'd throw. Papa would do what...
BMBette Midler
[bursting through the door, singing] It's only one eye, but it's open!
No, not you either. [referring to Hello Nurse] HER!
[facepalm] All he-man detectives call women 'Sister' in the politically unaware decades preceding Women's Liberation. [to Hello Nurse] So sister, [to Dot] who's really not my sister but I'm just CALLING sister... [to Hello Nurse] you're about to describe your caper.
Well, it's a little green pickle that's sometimes found in salads.
[A You Bet Your Life-style fanfare plays]
That is correct! Tell her what she's won!
[hops into Hello Nurse's arms] A date with me!
Of course, we can find him. [holds her romantically] Now about our fee.
[pulls out the money] I'm prepared to pay well.
Fine. We only ask one thing.
Never put us on opposite "60 Minutes"; we'll get creamed. [takes the money and drops Hello Nurse on the butt]
Is this true about "The Wagon and the Traveling Show"? I don't remember that.
[to Yakko; annoyed] Can we please move on?
[to Hello Nurse] Tell us, where did you last see your boss?
In the Mambo Room at the Tropicombo Club. A band was playing Latin dance music. I was with the doctor, he mumbled something. The band had a big dumb guy playing drums and everyone was dancing under a pole, then the doctor vanished.
Now, lemme get this straight: He muttered some mumbo-jumbo during the Combo Samba in the Mambo at the Tropicombo. Then there was a jumbo dumbo playing the limbo on the bongos and then he was gone?
That is absolutely correct!
[A You Bet Your Life-style fanfare plays]
[hops into Hello Nurse's arms again] Another date with me!
How come I always get the booby prize?
I'm not touching that one.
to his siblings] Let's hit the road!
I claim this statue in the name of Gulf and Western.
MMMinerva Mink
I claim it in the name of Rupert Murdoch.
Uh, by gad, sir. I claim it in the name of Matsu...I mean, Mateshootie...uh...for Seagram's.
Ah, I've got it. The mink is working for Fox, the pair of legs is working for Paramount, and the guy who needs rehearsal's working for Universal!
[dryly] Thank you, Dr. Seuss.
