[Inside of the cage, The Brain holds a pencil and writes on a piece of paper.]
I hope you're prepared, Pinky. For tonight's plan to take over the world promises to be extra-ordinary. [stops writing and his head turns around] Pinky?
[The screen pans to Pinky watching The Honeymooners on the television set. Inside on the TV, a bus driver named Ralph Kramden trying to punch a woman]
RKRalph Kramden
Bang, zoom. Bang! zoom! Right in the kisser!
EH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH! Bang! zoom! Right in the kisser! Narf! EH HEH HEH HEHY!
[walks to the television and turns it off] You watch too much TV, Pinky.
[shuts Pinky's mouth, pulls on his nose, and let's go] Stop saying that, Pinky, or I shall have to hurt you.
Oh, okay, sorry Brain. NARF! [The Brain walks to a tall pencil with a paperclip on it. He shoots the paperclip up to the sky and hits the light, a table, a microscope and the lock. He manually unlocks cage] Egad! You astound me, Brain!
That's a simple task, Pinky. [he and Pinky hop on a purple cabinet with a lock and a knob and they get off of the cabinet] Once we construct the super-conductive magnetic infindibulator, [Pinky stops and looks at the big TV] the world will be ours. [stops walking and looks at him] Pinky?
AQAlex Quebec
It is often said when a golfer tees off, Alvey.
[Pinky laughs at the audience, a sign that reads, GYP-Parody and a orange-haired man with a green shirt]
What is narf, eh, what is POIT?!
[walks to Pinky and pushes him] What is an inordinately short attention span, Alex?
[Pinky and the Brain push and roll a science map and it reads, SUPER-CONDUCTIVE MAGNETIC INFINDIBULATOR and FAST ASSEMBLY]
The plans, Pinky, for the super-conductive magnetic infindibulator. Shall I explain how it works?
I'm sure I will. By using the infindibulator to deplete hydrogen and promote gravitational collapse, we will produce a magnetic charge from the centre of the Earth so strong that every person who has loose change in their pockets will be magnetically drawn to the ground and stuck there.
[shaking the Brain's hand] E-gad Brain, brilliant - uh-oh, no wait, what if they take off their pants?
[surprised] Then we'll have to take over the world quickly. Every item we need is here in the lab save one; the infindibulator. I know where we can get one. The farmer's almanac.
[They grab a big, blue book which lands on top of them and they climb off the book]
Hrmmmmgh! [looks at the book and the Brain kicks him to the page] Thanks! [The Brain climbs up the book and they walked off. On top of the book it reads, BUILD YOUR OWN INFINDIBULATOR!] Ah, here we are. Build your own infindibulator with things you have 'round the home. Only 99 thousand dollars. (gasps) 99 thousand dollars! NARF! Ooh, where we gonna get that, Brain?
AQAlex Quebec
Beep! Sorry Matilda, that's incorrect! How much did you wager? [screen pans to a host holding a microphone and Matilda, a woman with glasses and a pink shirt, is crying] All of it? Oh that's too bad because you could have won 99 thousand dollars.
[Pinky and the Brain looked at TV]
Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?
I think so Brain, but where are we going to find a duck and a hose at this hour?
The money, Pinky. I can go on that show and win the money for the infindibulator!
Egad, Brain! Oh no, but the questions on Gyp-Parody are incredibly hard. I mean, you'd have to get every single one right.
Quiz me. Ask me anything.
[A drram cloud appears with a pie]
NARF! Eh, okay. What is pie?
The ratio of the circumference of a circle to its diameter having a value of 8 decimal places of 3.14159265. But ask me something difficult, Pinky.
Uh, he, uh, NARF! Oh, OKAY! What Ralph Kramden says "Bang! Zoom!"
I told you to stop saying that. [grabs the pencil and whacks him. The pencil lands on Pinky] I don't care who says that.
Ralph Kramden. [jumps out of the pencil] Tada! [bows]
[grabs Pinky's tail] We must prepare. [carries Pinky and walks away]
[Pinky pulls the left shoelace and The Brain pulls on the right shoelace on a shoe and they tied a knot]
That does it. I'm going in. [goes inside of the shoe. Pinky tries to run, but his tail gets stuck on the shoelace. A robot wears a suit, some shoes and a red bow tie. His head pops up of the suit] Honey, I'm home.
Yeh heh heh heh. I liked your funny joke, Brain.
I am not devoid of humor. Prepare for departure.
[The Brain slides down, sits on a chair, pulls the three levers and his head pops out of the suit. The machine begins to start, but Pinky's tail gets stuck on the shoe and steps on him. Pinky climbs up to a pocket and his head pops out]
[comes out of ACME LABS and walks down the sidewalk] Taxi. Taxi. [a Taxi stops and the machine walks in. Yakko, Wakko and Dot run away from Ralph] A television station, please.
[A Taxi Driver turns a car window and turns to the Brain]
TDTaxi Driver
[turns a car window and turns to the Brain] You got it! Woah, hey h-heh if you don't mind me asking, bub, uh, what happened to your head?
Nothing. I am a mouse in a large mechanical suit.
TDTaxi Driver
Heh heh heh heh, okay, alright, my bad for asking, right?
[The Taxi went to the game show]
[A typical "Wheel of Morality" skit; the Warners run through a park, but abruptly stop]
To make bubbles with our spit?
No. It's time to learn the day's lesson. And to find out what it is, we turn to... the Wheel of Morality! [a carnival wheel with attached printer slides into view; he spins it] Wheel of Morality, turn, turn, turn. Tell us the lesson that we should learn. [it stops; printer outputs a page] Moral number two. And the moral of today's story is... [reading] "If at first you don't succeed, blame it on your parents."
I don't know about you, but I'm touched.
In the head. [the sound of a whistle startles all three]
YWYakko, Wakko, Dot
Yikes!
[they run off, chased by Ralph the Guard]
[Back at the pirate ship, Captain Mel has a harpoon and he hops]
MCaptain Mel
Arggh! [Yakko, Wakko and Dot have fishing poles, throw them away and then show banner, it reads, WISH YOU WERE WERE; throws the telescope away] Rarr! [hops to his harpoon and sits on his chair then shoots the harpoon but it missed the Warners. He grabs the grip with a big, huge shark and gasps. He laughs and sends the shark back.] Phew. [turns around to see the Warner dressed up like pirates]
YWYakko, Wakko and Dot
Arr!
[Captain Mel raises his fist and hook then hops to them]
Arr! Yarr! Arr, Arr, Arr! Yarr!
MCaptain Mel
I'll teach you three scallawags to mess with the likes of me. [walks away, opens the door, then comes back with a treasure chest with weapons] Choose your weapon.
[They zip and then comes back with a very big, black cannon. Captain Mel gasps and shoots him, covered with black smoke]
MCaptain Mel
[dazed] How did ye do that?
Aah, you mean with the big comedy cannon? You really wanna know?
I'll take that as a yes. [zips away and Wakko and Dot bring a chair and Captain Mel sits on it. They grab two dust Ostrich Feather Dust Cleaning Brushes to clean him. They stopped and Yakko skid and they spin. Yakko, Wakko and Dot are back to their original clothes; singing] I Am the Very Model of a Cartoon Individual. My animation's comical, unusual and whimsical. I'm quite adept at funny gags, comedic theory I have read from wicked puns and stupid jokes to anvils that drop on your head. I'm very good at fancy dances, I can even pirouette then smack the villain with a fish, I know my cartoon etiquette. I can make my face all mean and really give you quite a fright. Aah! Then make up with flowers made of real exploding dynamite. [they run down the stairs, while Captain Mel chases them] When in a jam, I just yell, "Stop!" and villains in their tracks are froze. Then I sneak up, and utter "Start!" and take their hands and honk their nose. I am quite proud to be in such a hierarchical progeny from Daffy Duck and Tweety Bird to Babs and Buster Bunny. [pulls a lever with four pictures on them. Daffy Duck, Tweety Bird, Babs Bunny and Buster Bunny. Daffy gets a Hammer and hits Captain Mel. He falls into the chair] To suit my mood, I can call forth a lot of different sceneries like outer space and desert scapes and Himalayan eateries from this bag here, why, I can pull most anything imaginable like office desks and lava lights and Bert who is a cannibal! [pulls Bert, a cannibal wearing a necklace and a hula skirt and some brown shoes]
[Then Bert chases Captain Mel, who flees in terror. Now the Warners are at the end of the pirate ship]
YWYakko, Wakko and Dot
[singing] You see in matters comical, unusual and whimsical, We are the very model of cartoon individuals!
[A wide shot of Slappy's Treedome and a mailbox is shown in Burbank, California. Inside Slappy was sitting on a chair, watching TV. The TV zooms in to reveal a construction site and a sign that reads, SPIKE CONSTRUCTION. A young Slappy wearing a construction hat, skipping on a construction building. She holds a bucket of RED HOLT BOLTS. She throws a red bolt of the site, then gets a hammer and pounds it]
[scatting "Working on the Railroad"] Dah da Dee Da de da dee dee, duh de duh da dah!
[A Big Bad Wolf, wearing red overalls, peeks out of the site. He pulls his overalls revealing some high heels and Walks over. He imagines Slappy as a turkey and a sign that reads, SQUIRREL RUMP ROAST. The wolf licks his jaws and gets a fork and spoon out of his pockets. Slappy holds the bucket of RED HOT BOLTS. The wolf tries to eat Slappy, but she throws red hot metals into his mouth. He holds his neck and fire burns his head. Slappy hits the wolf with the hammer. The wolf spin and falls very far and pops up to his regular self and his eyes bugle out]
Wild take number 32. Hah ha. Regular as clockwork. [burps] Wish everything was regular as clockwork.
[The wolf hits the ground, turns into 3 babies, which cry.]
If there's one thing that I hate,
SYSlappy and Young Slappy
It's a crybaby. [laugh]
[The first Slappy coughs and spits, while the second Slappy holds a sign that reads, THE END]
[But the commercial changes the channel and a box that reads TOTALLY AWESOME ACME SNAX and Three turtles come out of the box wearing hats and they have canes]
CCCereal commercial, singing
Totally awesome Acme Snax, they are fun and energy packed, sugar coated sugar sacs.
Eh, stop it. [throws the remote at the TV lying down] Flipping network cuts out my famous end line for some razza-flavin' crudball commercial there. [a knock on the door] Ehh, somebody get me a peen-ball hammer. [walks to the door and opens it] Who is it?!
SSSkippy Squirrel
[glomps on his aunt into her house] Aunt Slappy!
[The screen pans to Skippy sitting on Slappy's tummy]
[to the camera] What can I do? He's my nephew. Hello, Skippy.
Hi! [hopping up and down] What happened to your TV set?
It's having a bad day. Pardon me, but you've got a little excess energy there Skippy.
Must be these totally awesome ACME Snax. Want some?
[takes out a piece of ACME Snax] Now there's a color-founding nature. [eats it, then makes silly faces, blows like a whistle, shoots out of the tree like a rocket, and tumbles down the stairs]
[Slappy goes to the kitchen, pours a whole lot of ACME Snax into the sink drain, and shreds them, causing the drain to gross out in disgust. Skippy looks up to his aunt innocently]
[pats Skippy's head] Ah, no wonder you watched that Bonkers show. That junk food's rotten your brain here.
[hopping up and down again] What'cha looking for?
I'm gonna make you some brain food. That's right, I'm gonna make you my famous walnut fig dough surprise.
[deadpan] I'm outta walnuts. Let's go visit Doug the Dog. [Skippy stops hopping in fear] We'll get his walnuts out of his old walnut tree.
Doug the Dog?! But he hates you, Aunt Slappy! He's been trying to eat you for years!
[to the audience] Thank you, Mr. Exposition.
Look, you've seen all my old cartoons, right?
I've wrestled with Walter Wolf, Sid the Squid, and Beanie the Brain-Dead Bison. This Doug guy here is nothin'.
Yeah, but those were cartoons and this is real life.
[to the audience] Don't tell him, he might crack. Look, Skippy. I've seen and done every trick in the book- [Skippy sees a large dog looming behind her] Hold it there. You're doing the old "Frozen Take" bit, which means Doug the Dog... [pulls a club out of her purse and clonks Doug without looking] ...was right behind me. Heh-heh-heh!
That's just like in Prehistoric Slappy!
That was Cave Girl Slappy 1932 directed by Pizz Peeners. Eh, but let's not be anal. Let's get some walnuts. [walks up to the walnut tree with Skippy. Doug lunges at her] Hold it! [Doug freezes; spins around] Enchiritos! Get your enchiritos here! Enchiritos, mister? [Doug takes out money with a rapid nod] Ah, you're my kind of a guy who like them extra hot! [pulls out an enchirito, revealing a dynamite, wiggles her eyebrows twice to the audience, and hands it to Doug] Here ya go, amigo. [takes the money and walks off. Doug bites the enchirito, but noticed the dynamite too late, and it explodes in front of his face, leaving his teeth fall off] What a schmutz. [picks up his teeth, and hands them to Skippy] Here. Put them under your pillow tonight. Maybe you'll get some dimes.
Great! [follows his aunt]
[A dazed Doug hits the ground with a thud]
[The cartoon opens up on a map of Renaissance Italy]
[narrating, as the camera trucks in on the map of Renaissance Italy] The Italian Renaissance, [as the camera pans right past The Mona Lisa, The Last Supper, and The Birth of Venus ] a glorious time of unprecedented achievement in the arts. [as the camera pans right to a man hole] And perhaps the era's greatest figure was Michelangelo Buonarroti. [the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles come out of the man hole. The Narrator, a caricature of John Houseman appears in a purple circle] I'm afraid popular culture has successfully eradicated the actual identities of the true poets of art. My opinion? [binding The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles with a cane] This stinks.
[pulls the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles into the purple circle with the cane] I shall deal with you later. [to the viewers] Now, for a brief reality check. [starting a slideshow] Michelangelo was a brilliant artist, not a turtle. His most famous works include: the marble masterpiece statue of David, and of course, the Ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Yes, this too was created by the tortured genius, Michelangelo, but even this great artist needed help to carry out his vision.
[Rome, circa 1512 A.D. Michelangelo, a caricature of Kirk Douglas, angrily kicks two painters out of The Sistine Chapel]
Out! Out, you incompetent FOOLS! You call yourselves artists?! [puts a "Painters wanted" sign on the door] You just can't get good help these days. [goes back inside. The camera trucks in on the "Painters wanted" sign. High-angle shot of Michelangelo walking over to three peasants] And you! How can I work with all you peasants kneeling and mumbling?!
PPeasant
But, Michelangelo, this is a church.
Oh, that explains that infernal bell ringing.
[The bell rings periodically]
QQuasimodo
Sanctuary! Sanctuary!
QUIET! [slams the door. Quasimodo shrugs. Michelangelo goes up the ladder] I must be finished with my great masterpiece tonight, before His Eminence arrives. But I fired all my assistants. I'm alone! ALL ALONE! [sobs intensely] Oh, heavenly muse, send me some help!
[Yakko kicks the door open, destroying the scaffold Michelangelo is on, causing him to fall into a can of red paint]
It's Yakko and Wakko, and our sister, Dot!
Friends, we'll paint any ceiling for just 29.95. Right! How do we do it? No overhead. In fact, when we get through, you'll have nothing overhead! And if you hire us, you'll have nothing in your head! We paint ceilings, ceilings and ONLY ceilings! We don't paint floors cuz they're beneath us.
[angrily standing, boiling, covered in red paint] Who are you?! What are you doing here?!
We heard you had a ceiling that needs painting.
Nice bungalow. This your place?
You fools, I'm the great Michelangelo! And this is the Sistine chapel!
Oh, yeah? If you're so great, what did you do with the other fifteen chapels, huh? Gotcha there.
Out! Out! HOW DARE YOU! [prepares to throw The Warner Siblings out, but he gets thrown out himself, confused] Huh?
Well, that takes care of the competition.
Gentlemen, start your rollers!
[Yakko and Wakko get white paint]
You know, a little touch-up will do wonders for this place.
[dressed up as the Guardian of the Gates] Nobody gets in to see the Wizard. Not nobody. Not nohow.
[gasps] The Witch's Michaelangelo? Well. Now, that's a ceiling of a different color.
[gasps] Argh! What have you done to my beautiful ceiling?!
[Shows white ceiling]
Ya like it? I gotta tell ya, we had a heck of a time covering up those naked people.
You FOOLS! You've ruined it! It's supposed to have pictures!
Pictures? He wants pictures!
Hey, don't worry Mike, our mistake. [whispering] This hasn't happened to us since that Venus de Milo arms fiasco.
Say, why don't you go paint that Moaning Lisa, Leonardo?
That's de-lovely, but, we got a ceiling to paint.
[giving Michelangelo wallpapers and two books] Here. Just pick out a wallpaper pattern and relax. We'll take care of everything.
[wearing toilet plungers on his feet] Yeah, when it comes to ceilings, we're the tops!
[giving Michelangelo wallpapers and a refrigerator] Oh, and while you're at it, pick out the linoleum, why don't-cha?
[giving Michelangelo wallpapers and a fish bowl with a goldfish in it] And don't forget your upholstery and your bathroom fixtures.
Now, don't you worry your pretty, little head. By the way, nice toga.
[looking at wallpaper designs] Let me see now, this lovely floral pattern might be just- [realizing that he's been tricked, knocking the stack of wallpapers, books, and objects down] HEY, wait a minute! I'll teach those idiots to fool with the great Michelangelo! [hits the cylinder, making the statue of Moses, and slams the door open] No. No! NO! [sees a bullfighter, A Waterloo by C.M. Coolidge, big-eyed children by Margaret Keane, and Elvis Presley; cries] I'm ruined! RUINED!
I knew it. He prefers the young Elvis.
It is supposed to look like THIS! [shows them The Sistine Chapel Ceiling paper]
I wouldn't go flashing that around if I were you, Mike. [whispering] This is a church. [takes the paper, scrunches it up, and throws it away]
But His Eminence is coming tonight and I MUST be finished! Please, you gotta help me! [cries]
Wait a minute, you expect us poor innocent children to climb up dangerous scaffolding and paint naked people all over a church?
YWYakko, Wakko and Dot
We'll do it!
[speaking at a podium as Wakko and Dot play "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" on kazoos] But we're not doing it for the sake of art. And we're not doing it for the sake of money. No, we're doing it because, we like painting naked people.
[Yakko sprays white paint on the ceiling. Wakko sharpens a pencil, and paints outline on tightrope extremely quickly. Dot writes numbers on the ceiling. Michelangelo paints the ceiling using a trampoline]
[Low-angle shot of The Ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. The camera pans left to a blank space]
I still don't know what to paint in this blank space. And his eminence will be here any minute.
CCrowd
It's His Eminence! [as Michelangelo and The Warner Siblings turn and a red carpet rolls into The Sistine Chapel] His Eminence! Look, it's His Eminence! His Eminence is coming! His Eminence! Gadzooks, it's His Eminence!
Don't worry, Mike. You go say howdy, we'll finish up.
[runs up to His Eminence] Your Eminence. [kisses toes] I'm so glad you could come. [kisses toes] I worked so hard to please you. [kisses toes] I hope you'll like my ceiling. [shocked] HUH! I'm ruined!
[We see Elliot from E.T. in a juxtaposition of The Creation of Adam; Michelangelo cries. Camera pans up to reveal Steven Spielberg ]
[giving Michelangelo a bowl of Quaker Oats Life cereal and pouring milk into it] Hey, Mikey, he likes it! [jumping into Steven Spielberg's arms] Painting is like show business. You have to know your audience.
[The cartoon opens up on an aerial shot of The Warner Brothers Studio as upbeat music plays throughout the background. Cut to Warner Brothers Studios building. Inside, a woman passes by a portrait of Thaddeus Plotz. Camera pans right to his office]
UMUnknown man
[first lines; to two other unknown men] He's a chicken, I tell ya. A giant chicken!
[Fade to inside of office]
Dr. Scratchansniff, do you know what keeps this studio running?
Err, your brilliant leadership, T.P.?
I mean besides that. What keeps this place going?
YES! That's it, sniff. And how do we pay for those movies? With money! money. And we need more. With that in mind, I've invited some powerful foreign investors to come here tomorrow. They'll prepare to give us... [babbling and drooling in excitement] 1 billion of it. Billion of it. 1 billion. 1 billion dollars! Do you know what that means?
Ja, that's a one with lots und lots of zeros after it.
No! It means tomorrow is the most important day in the studio's history! I'm throwing a gala banquet on sound stage 10. Now, every star in Hollywood will be there. Investors will get the royal treatment, and we'll get the check, IF, it goes smoothly. There's just one catch. Before they invest, they wanna meet every one who works here. Including you.
Ooh, that's nice. I like to party.
And including, the Warner Brothers.
[The Warner Siblings are running around outside]
YWYakko and Wakko
Hi, T.P.!
No, T.P.! Don't let the investors meet The Warners! They're out of control! They're koo-koo! They're-
Your responsibility. You're the studio psychiatrist. You have 24 hours, Scratchensniff, to teach them some manners. I can't have those-those-What are they?
Well, I can't have them ruining this banquet! Understand?!
Trying is not good enough, Scratchensniff. [shouting loudly, blowing Dr. Scratchensniff away] DO IT!!!
[bouncing out of the building] Uh! Eh! Pleugh! [falls down, and rests his elbow on the concrete, irate] Rggrgh!
