[Cartoon opens on a waterfall. Camera pans left to The Prince's castle]
Certain is what we are, of what you'll like the least,
Snails on your lawn, songs that go on and on,
Cutie and the Beast!
Snails on your lawn, songs that go on and on,
Cutie and the Beast!
[Camera trucks up to The Prince's room]
Once upon a time, an enchantress turned a selfish prince into a hideous beast. [the Prince turns into Taz. The mirror shatters. Taz runs to his room. He tears a portrait of himself as the Prince, playing tic-tac-toe on it. He gets all three "O"s in a row, crossing them off] To break the spell, he had to fall in love with someone who loved him, before his magic flower lost all of its petals. If he could not, he'd remain a beast...forever.
[Taz gasps]
And now, the stars of our show, the Warners!
And I'm Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca Banana Balana - Oh, shoot!
[Yakko and Wakko laugh]
[holding up two fingers] Take two.
[Film whirs. Beep!]
And now, the stars of our show, the Warners!
And I'm Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Franchesca Banana Falana...Arrrgh!
Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Banana Falana.
[laughing] Banana Falana!
Oh, thanks for your support, Mr. P Pop Into the Mic!
Oh, pooh! I never pop my P's!
Uh, Wakko? We got a big P pop on "pooh". Could we have that again?
[Film whirs. Beep!]
And now, the stars of our show, the Warners!
And I'm "Pincess"...DAAAAAAAAGH!
YWYakko and Wakko
Helloooo, Pincess! [laughing]
[laughing] Pincess, I love it!
Yeah, you try saying it sometime!
"Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca Banana Fana Bobesca the Third". [wags eyebrows]
Oh, thank you, Mr. United-States-Canada-Mexico-Panama. Big whoop. [to the camera] LET'S DO IT! [walks back]
[Film whirs. Beep!]
[tired] And now...the stars of our show...the Warners.
And I'm Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca Banana Fana Fo Foo- STOP! WHY CAN'T I GET IT [BLEEP!] BY GDDITRBBIT [BLEEP!] WHY GOT TO STOP IT [BLEEP!] AUGH!
That's my cute little sister who said that! Goodnight, everybody! [Dot sits on a step] Let's wrap it up, okay?
Oh, get off my back! What do you want me to do?
Try memorizing your lines.
Another date with Brad Pitt?
Hey, I can't help it if girls find me irresistable!
Yeah, until they learn you don't bathe!
[All Warner Siblings argue at once]
People, come on! Let's do this! Last take.
[Film whirs. Beep!]
[very tired] And now...the stars of our show...the Warners.
[slowly] And I am Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca Banana Fana Bo Besca the Third!
[Yakko and Wakko cheered as the balloons and confettis fall]
Your brother and I just couldn't be prouder!
[offscreen] Let's move it along! Next line!
[reads the script] ...but you can call me "Dot"!
No time for that, we're moving ahead. [checks the script] Uhhhh...skip here.
Great! This village is so quaint, it makes me wanna break into a song!
Funny, I thought it breaks into a rash.
[The Warners are in the woods]
Come on! Let's go into that dark, spooky forest!
Well, if we don't, we'll find ourselves a fate worse than death.
Yep. Another song by Dot!
[Wakko screams in terror]
[annoyed] Hey, what is this, "Make Fun of Your Sister Day" on Animaniacs?!
[She and Yakko argue throughout the woods. Later in another side of the woods]
[looking at what is presumed to be a map] According to this, we've lost our way.
[Dot takes the map from wakko and looks at it]
This isn't a map, it's a flyer for the Republican Party!
I know. That's why we lost our way. As a country, I mean. [eats the map]
[more annoyed] Yeah, yeah. We get it. Can we please get on with this?! [another background setting of the castle drops] Thank you. [they walk up to the front doors of the castle] Maybe whoever lives here must tell us where we are.
[They're paralyzed as they see the shadow of Taz]
[After The Warner Siblings come in after the "Hi there!" bomb has blown up in Taz's face]
Ahh, you're Taz, aren't you?
["Taz-mania theme" plays in the background]
Could you do that thing, that funny thing that you do?
Uh...WAAGGHDEEDEEDEEDEEIGH!!!!!!
No, no, that's not it either. You know, the funny thing!
Can we finish this cartoon?
[After the "Be A Pest" song]
Oh, it's hopeless. You win. Come get kiss.
[Dot and Taz kiss. Taz slobbers her. magic appears offscreen. He spits her out]
Eugh! Do not go in there!
I am, but I'm not so sure about him.
PPrince
[now a prince again] Wow, am I ever cute!
GGirls
[appear] My! He's dreamy! Oh, my! He's so very handsome! My!
No way! I'm the only who's supposed to be cute on this show! [walks up to the Prince and kiss him]
[The Prince turns back into Taz]
GGirls
Eeeeeeeeeagh!!!! [run away]
OOOOOUUUAAAAGHDOOOUUAGHHHBLAGHBLIHGHTSFZABDHBTSPBPBPBPTHTHTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That's it! That's the funny thing!
[The Warners laugh. Taz face palms himself. Fade to outside The Prince's castle]
Certain is what we are, of what you'll like the least,
Snails on your lawn, songs that go on and on,
Cutie and the Beast!
Snails on your lawn, songs that go on and on,
Cutie and the Beast!
To spell Santa's name is easy to do.
You write S-A-N-T and another "A", too.
But no "L", no "L", Santa's name has no "L".
And he won't be too pleased if you don't learn to spell.
Jack and Jill went up a hill to fetch water from the well,
But when neither one could find it, Jill started to yell.
No well, no well, can't believe there's no well!
We walked all the way here and I'm mad can't you tell!
Captain Ahab took his crew his harpoon and set sail
And he called out to ships...
Have you seen the white whale?!
SSailors
No whale, no whale, no, we ain't seen no whale!
S1Sailor 1
Saw a couple of dolphins...
S2Sailor 2
And a big yellowtail!
If you've listened to this tune, then you probably can tell
That you've heard it before. It's a song you know well.
Know well, know well, it's a song you know well,
And we've ruined it completely, so we all say, "Oh, well."
Oh, well, oh, well, we'll just say fare thee well!
Merry Christmas to you and a joyous Noel!
We hope you enjoyed it as much as we did.
We're touched so you'll be touched.
["Animaniacs" theme plays in the background as the end credits begin]
Phew! Am I glad that's over!
Awh. I have a headache this big, and it's got Warner Bros. written all over it.
"Produced by..." Gimme a break. Bunch of over-paid, credit-grabbing, do-nothings.
"Written by"? Oh, now, there's a joke. You call the dreck they stick us with writing? Huh. Puhlease.
"The Great Stoneeni". Bah. Just once I'd like the guy to write a song in my key. Just once.
Like that would do any good!
Oh, yeah, it's all about you. That's right.
A voice director? Who's that?
Oh, you know, she the person who tells you to redo every line like fifty times.
[furious] Her? I hate her!
"Rob Paulsen as Yakko". Hmmf! Yeah, right.
"Tress MacNeille as Dot". As if.
"Jess Harnell as Wakko". I hear he's cute!
[sarcastic] Ooh, goodie. Here come the storyboard artists.
Besides drawing us off-model and taking three hour coffee breaks, not much.
Look at all those names. Who are all these people?
Oh my- unh. You know, they're artists, Wakko.
You might want to stop by the studio some time, you could meet a few of them.
I'm busy! "Executive in charge of Production"? What does that mean?
[slowly] Nobody really knows.
"Executive Producer - Steven Spielbrig"?
Nonononono - Steven...Springblush.
No, no - Springbile. No, Spriezlof... naw, Mr. Kate Capshaw.
Hey, you wanna go get a cappuccino?
When do you not have a date?
[angrily] I got a date! So, sue me!
She will! Hey - d-did you turn off the mikes?
N- [whispering] No, I thought you did!
