TV show quotes
I came with a peace offering. You want a flower?
No.
Good. [eats the flower and burps] I came to say I'm sorry.
Apology accepted. Good night.
I realized I have no choice to sell out. The system is bigger than you are.
Well, we're both bigger than you, so leave.
Whoa, man. Bad vibrations. [leaves Willie and Kate's bedroom]
ALF, your cousin Binky is not living in Barstow. Just consider for a moment the tremendous improbability of an alien from outer space actually living with a family.
In all my years of traveling freak shows, I've never seen anything like you.
Likewise.
[ALF and Brian are preparing to do a magic trick using Kate's hat]
What are you guys doing?
It's a magic trick we just saw on TV.
It's called "The Two-Layer Pineapple Surprise Cake in a Sun Hat" trick.
With mom's sun hat?
We couldn't find Willie's. And now, without further ado, a pinch of yeast and 2 eggs. [puts the eggs inside Kate's hat] 1, 2.
Does mom know you're using her sun hat?
Silence, please! Will the young man with the freckles and the overbite please mix the ingredients.
She doesn't know, does she?
I'm running this trick on a need-to-know basis.
Is it done?
Perfect! Now cover the hat with the plate as I say the magic words. [Brian covers Kate's hat with a plate] Hacus pacus. Betty Crock-us. [Kate comes in the kitchen] Ta-da! Ladies and gentlemen. ALF's magical 2-layer pineapple surprise, [Brian wants to show the ALF's trick but fails to work leaving Kate's hat ruined and messy] soup.
[as he gets prepared to be sawed] ALF's gonna saw me in half.
Much worse.
[Willie and ALF fight over the saw]
You are not going to saw our son!
Yes, I am!
You are not!
[Willie takes the saw away]
But I'm ready for big time. How long does a guy have to toil in kiddie tricks?
Maybe until he completes 1 or 2 of them successfully.
Maybe he doesn't stand a chance. When all the diagrams favored 5 flavored magicians.
Maybe he's gotten into something a little over his head.
Maybe at 3 foot 2, everything he gets into is over his head.
[ALF comes up with a trick to make Brian disappear as Brian sits inside the box]
Okay, remember how we saw it on TV? You close the curtain and you spin the box around 3 times.
Ixnay on the spinning. If you puke in that box it can't be returned. [closes the curtain] You alright in there?
It's alright!
Thank you, Junior Wences. I'll say the magic words. Alakazoo, alakazam. I'll show you what a hack I am. [he makes Brian disappear] Brian? Yo, B, you in there? Yes! Yes! I came, I saw I demolecularized. I can do magic! Uh-oh, now I'll make you reappear, B. Um. Uh, abracadabra, alakazam, I'm a better magician than I thought I am! [he thinks a rabbit appear in the box] Uh-oh. A glitch in the finale. Uh, alakazam. Oh, no. Uh, I vaporized the boy. Kate and Willie will not be pleased. Especially since Willie told me not to do any more tricks. Oh, wait a minute. I smell a conspiracy here. I also smell 8 rabbits cooped up in a garage. [he gets grossed out by 8 rabbits]
[returns back home after hiding in the car by ALF] Hi, ALF.
How did you do that? You didn't even move your little rabbit lips.
Rabbit lips?
Brian, you're not a rabbit!
[as he and Kate found him] Oh, Brian!
Hi, dad.
Where have you been?
I was hiding in the car. But I got hungry.
Why were you hiding in the car?
I wanted ALF to think he made me disappear so he wouldn't think he's a bad magician.
Oh! Oh, honey. It was nice of you not to want ALF to feel bad but we were very, very worried about you.
Yeah! I thought I turned you into a rabbit.
Sorry, mom, dad. Sorry, ALF. I guess I messed up the trick.
That's okay, Bri. Now you can clean up your own pellets.
[ALF burps after having his dinner]
Stomach number 4?
3. Number 4 still hasn't digested that Reebok.
[arrives home] Hi, everyone.
Hi, dad.
Gentlemen, start your enzymes.
I'll get dinner.
I'll help.
I'm sorry, I'm late.
Don't tell me. That new guy at work held you up again.
Yeah. Once that Jim starts talking to us, it's impossible to get away. This time I actually had my hand on the car door before he got me.
Who is this guy? The idiot son of the boss?
No, he's just an idiot.
Well, you better not be late tomorrow night. Or have you forgotten about helping me Put up the satellite dish?
What satellite dish?
Oh. I ordered a satellite dish. It'll be here tomorrow. Will you help me put it up?
I'll help you send it back.
Can't. I bought it during their "Absolutely No Refunds What Are You Deaf?" sale.
[panicking] Absolutely no refunds?!
What, are you deaf?
[Willie is driving Jimbo home]
But how many canals are actually being built today? I really like your car, Willie. I don't know whypeople are always bad-mouthing domestic cars. There are more important things than good mileage styling and resale value.
Thank you, Jim.
Please. I keep asking you call me "Jimbo".
N-no. Come on. I'm the only Jim you'll ever meet who'll let you call him "Jimbo". Live a little, Willie.
I am living.
So, uh, you from California originally?
I was born in Seattle. I attended school, graduating in 1974 from NYU.
I worked in record promotions prior to my current job at Social Services. My hobbies are saving whales and driving my DeLorean.
That's quite a life.
No book offers yet. [laughs]
Speaking of your DeLorean, when are you gonna get it out of the shop?
I'm in no hurry. I'd rather they fix it right than fast.
Fast is good, too.
Well, here we are.
This is my apartment.
It's lovely. Goodnight.
When you said you'd take me home tonight
I assumed...you meant your home. Well, why would you.. I mean, what made you think that?
I just assumed you invited me home to dinner.
Oh.
Oh, no, that's okay. I'm getting pretty good at making macaroni and cheese. I'll get better when they fix my stove.
I don't suppose you...
Love to.
Can I bring a can or something?
[Willie and Kate quietly come in the kitchen]
ALF! How long have you been out here?
Long enough to hate little orphan whiney with every fiber of my being.
It's not his fault he's an orphan.
Wanna bet? He probably bored his parents to death.
Honey, it is time for him to go home.
I'm trying, Kate! The man cannot take a hint!
See if he can take a swift kick in the butt.
Alright, he's taken advantage of us long enough! I'm going to have to be firm with him!
"Firm?" Oh-h-h! I haven't you this worked up since the time you were "adamant." [Willie leaves the kitchen] Too rough? [Kate walks away]
[outside with a bat late at night] This is the city. Los Angeles, California. I was working the night watch out of the backyard. Today is Friday. My name is ALF. I carry a bat. Whoa, someone's lurking in the bushes. Cat burglar. [Willie screams and gets caught in ALF's trap] Wha.. Oh, an intruder! [he screams and attacks Willie]
Oh! Oh! Ow! ALF, no! ALF, what are you doing?
Protecting the family from murderers! You were the last person I would have suspected, Willie.
[groans] I'm not a murderer, yet!
Yeah, maybe I should come back when you're in a better mood.
Get me down from here!
[voiceover] Hey, Tanner, is that you?
[ALF leaves the backyard as Trevor opens the gate and checks on Willie]
Trevor, what I'm doing, is very complicated and it requires all my concentration. So if you'd please care to come back later, I'd be happy to answer any questions at that time. Thank you, and goodnight.
Goodnight. [closes the gate]
[angrily] LET ME DOWN!
Okay, okay. [he cuts Willie down]
[lying on the grass] ALF, would you come over here for a minute?
Uh-uh.
Would you just.. Would you mind just coming.. Coming here just within my reach, PLEASE?
You appear to be at the end of my rope.
I thought I told you to go to bed!
Willie, one of us has to insure domestic tranquility. And provide for the common defense. Besides, you didn't say, "Simon says".
[wakes up as hears a strange noise] What.. Oh. A stranger approaches. Steady, ALF. Steady. Don't soil yourself. [Jimbo jumps over the fence, he walks around the backyard, and gets caught in ALF's trap] Behold. Excalibur.
[comes to the backyard] ALF? What was that?
Willie, you're just in time. I caught a murderer! [Willie gasps and falls down to the hole that Jimbo fell on] Don't mention it.
He's out cold.
My guess would be that he hit his head on your sewer pipe.
[as she and Lynn arrive at the backyard late at night] What's going on, ALF?
Hero ALF.
Why is dad going through the pockets of man in a hole in our backyard at night?
Because we have an alien.
Oh, right. What are you looking for?
His wallet.
Okay, but we split 50/50.
I am looking for identification!
You're wasting your time! No criminal's gonna carry ID on him!
Unless he's an FBI agent.
ALF!
[gasps] I disavow any knowledge of my actions. Bye!
[Kate and Willie go into the backyard to look for ALF]
ALF?
ALF? Where are you?
Maybe he's in the garage.
[gets up from the hole] Ah, oh, ow!' Oh, ah. Stupid pipe!
ALF, guess what? For once your overreacting actually paid off. That guy you caught really was a crook! As it turns out, you are a hero!
Well, that's nice. Really great. Just 1 question.
Yeah?
Who are you people?
[at the end, the family gives ALF a homemade medal for his bravery]
For meritorious service above and beyond the call of duty we hereby present to you the Tanner Medal of Honor.
Hear, hear!
Yay, ALF!
My hero.
Shucks, folks. I'm speechless, almost. 11 score and 12 years ago. [reads from a book] My parents brought forth a new hero conceived in a De Soto, and dedicated-
[interrupted ALF's reading] ALF. ALF, wrap it up or we take the medal back.
As God as my witness I'll never be hungry again. Thank you. [the family claps for him] And now, Kate, how about making me a hero sandwich? [laughs, but he hides under the table as Trevor knocks on the door]
[Willie opens the door and finds Trevor cover by ALF's trap]
Does this belong to you?
I believe so, yes.
You got something I could cut Raquel down with?
I think there's something in the garage. I'll help you.
If you don't want people taking avocados from your tree just say so. [he and Willie leave the house]
[gets up as Kate stares at him] Last trap, I promise.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's ALF pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
