[as he leaves the bedroom] Yo what?
What is it? It's a crumpled piece of paper with writing on it.
That's the poem that your uncle Trevor wrote to me last year When we renewed our wedding vows.
Oh, uh, read it, aunt Raquel.
[while reading the poem] To Raquel, the most wonderful woman in the world. You're the meaning of my life. You're the inspiration. You bring meaning to my life. You're the inspiration. I want to have you near me. I want to have you hear me saying, No one needs you more than I need you.
You threw that away? Don't you know how long it took me to write that? You didn't write that.
It's from a song by Chicago.
I mean it took me a long time to write it down.
Do you think I'm stupid, Trevor? I knew you didn't write this poem.
Why didn't you call me on it? Because it didn't matter.
What mattered was, is that you gave it to me!
Raquel, I meant every word I stole. I'm sorry. I'm just trying to tell you that I still love you, Raquel.
More than arena football?
I should know better than to try to change you.
Take me back, Raquel, hmm? I promise I'll try not to be a slob. Although in all fairness, you did know I was raised in a barn. [he and Raquel kiss each other and sit on the bed]
[ALF hears a strange noise from under the bed]
What was that? [Stomping.]
Ah! Leg cramp! Uh, why don't we all go get uncle Trevor's stuff?
Good idea! Raquel, I'll carry the moose head. [gets up]
Thank you. Thank you. For those of you who don't know me, I'm ALF. The answer to the burning question who's the only NBC star with more hair than Michael Landon? Yo, Ed. Nice to see ya.
Oh, welcome to "The Tonight Show", ALF.
Ed was missing last week. So the cops put his picture on a 6 pack of Budweiser. [laughs] Also with us tonight is Mr. Tommy Newsom.
After the show tonight, Tommy and I are gonna go out and paint the town beige.
TTommy
I got a brush right here.
Good one, Tom! You hang on to that. Tommy's not dull. He was just weaned on Novocain. Well, I'm glad all of you can get in 'cause it sure was hot out there today.
AAudience
How hot was it?
What am I, a thermometer? Hey, we have a fabulous show for you tonight. We've got Joan Embery, Joyce Brothers and a Pope. So stay tuned, we'll be right back.
Nice going, ALF. You're 2 for 2. Why don't you get the Pope out here and try for a shutout?
Ha! Good one Driver's Ed! Ha! [knocks over Johnny's mug]
Ooh! You broke Johnny's cup!
Hey, that's nothing. You should see what I did to his dressing room.
[she heads in the house after her date ended] ALF, you scared me. What are you doing?
What am I doing? What are you doing? What happened to Randy?
That wasn't Randy, that was someone else.
Yeah. Someone who looks like a certain aging substitute novelist. Who shall remain last-nameless.
Ok, so it was Eddie. He just happened to be at the party, see--
Yeah, yeah, and I just fell off the garbanzo truck. Come on. This is the old ALFer. What gives?
Okay, I haven't really been dating Randy. I've only been tutoring him for an hour in English each night and then going to meet Eddie.
An hour a night? That's barely enough time for Randy to turn his book right side up.
ALF, please, don't tell mom and dad about this yet, ok? I know they'll like Eddie.
They just need some time to adjust. Don't tell them? You want me to lie?
No! No, you don't have to lie. Just don't bring it up. That's not lying.
It's not like I'm never going to tell them. I just, I need to wait for the right moment. You know, like when they're in a really, really good mood.
Yeah, well, let me know when that happens. And I'll tell them about the untimely demise of Kate's porcelain ballerina.
You broke mom's porcelain ballerina?
Yeah. We were dancing the pas de duex from swan lake, and I dropped her in the toilet.
[dressed as bellhop and goes to Lynn's room] Miss Lynn Tanner. Paging Miss Lynn Tanner.
I've just gotta get a message to ya.
I don't want any messages from you.
It's not from me. I'm just the bellhop. [Lynn opens the door] It's from a friend of yours. It's not what you think. I'm really not a fink. You're the last person I'd hurt. I didn't mean to blurt, it out.
I've got a message for my so-called friend. Friends don't rat on friends!
[comes in] Yes, father? Hello, mother.
Lynn, I want you to speak to ALF.
Speak to him or have your telephone privileges taken away.
You want me to speak to him? Fine, I'll speak to him. Have you told mom yet that you broke her ballerina?
That was supposed to be a secret.
My wedding present porcelain ballerina?
Well, you told my secret first.
But that just slipped out.
My original, one of a kind, impossible to duplicate [angrily] PORCELAIN BALLERINA?
Do you know how silly the word "ballerina" sounds when you say it over and over? Ballerina, ballerina, ballerina.
Alright, everyone, stop, cease, desist. I want you to apologize to each other, and I want you to put all of this behind us. Fine. Lynn, go to your room. You, go to the garage.
Kate, I'm sorry I broke your wedding present. I was going to tell you.
I was waiting to see if the marriage would last.
[Brian angrily comes in Lynn's room]
Don't just barge in here! Knock when you come into my room!
[yelling] ALF'S LEAVING BECAUSE OF YOU!
What are you talking about? He can't leave.
He's fixing his spaceship right now.
Don't be such a baby. He's always saying he can't fix that ship.
[yelling] YOU'RE THE BABY! YOU WON'T EVEN TALK TO HIM! WHY DON'T YOU GROW UP?
Brian, wait. [Brian angrily leaves Lynn's room] Don't cry.
Can I have Willie's meatloaf, Kate?
Fine. If Willie isn't home by midnight, then can I have his meatloaf?
[Willie comes in]
Can I have your meatloaf?
How was the union meeting?
Well, they elected me picket captain. What does that tell you?
Oh, you're going on strike?
I'm afraid so. Just the thought of it gives me a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Then meatloaf would only make you more queasy. [he was about to grab it but Willie takes his meatloaf away from him]
[comes in the room] Question.
Perhaps I spoke too soon.
Bottom line. I'm concerned about how this strike is gonna affect everyone, especially me.
Spoken like a true humanitarian.
I know. And I have the solution in 5 simple words, Willie gets another kob.
Good. I ran out of fingers.
As a matter of fact, I was just thinking that I should go back to work.
I have always worked, ALF. I sold real estate, by choice, until I got pregnant with Lynn, by choice. I went back to work, by choice, until I got pregnant with Brian, by choice. And I was just getting ready to go back to work, by choice, when we got you.
I have a gut feeling I'm not going to hear the words "by choice".
ALF, you know we're glad you're part of this family.
We are, ALF. Even at this inconveniently late hour.
Then isn't it time we made it official?
Oh, I don't even think we can do that. Can we? No, we can't do that.
Well, for starters, there's that species thing.
It doesn't bother you that I don't bear the Tanner name?
ALF, please. Go back to bed.
But Kate, if you get a job, who's going to take care of me?
No offense, but Kate, if you get a job, who's going to take care of me?
ALF, you're 231 years old. You should be able to take care of yourself by now.
You'd think so, wouldn't you?
[on the phone at work] Kate Tanner.
[on the phone at home] 'I knew that.'
Hi there. Why are you calling me here again?
No, he did. He did. He wanted me to ask you about the weather.
How about stormy? Did you have a special reason for calling me again?
Well, yeah, yeah. I have a question. How long does this career thing usually last?
ALF, we have been over this. I am here because I want to be. I want to work, I like to work I always planned to come back to work.
How can I make you understand this?
He thinks the lady doth protest her lunch. Too much.
I'm hanging up now. [hangs up the call]
[Willie is preparing dinner for the family]
Mmm, Brian, w-would you hand me the garlic press?
What's a garlic press look like?
Well, it-it's right there next to the garlic.
What's a garlic look like?
Haven't you ever helped your mom in the kitchen?
Sure, I say, "Mom, it's burning." And she says, "Thanks, Bri."
I promise not to burn the pasta primavera.
Pasta primavera? I thought we were having spaghetti.
It is spaghetti. It's spaghetti with broccoli and peas and zucchini and a light tomato cream sauce.
Well, I like the sauce that Kate opens. How come there's weeds in this salad?
They aren't weeds. That's radicchio.
The whole idea of you cooking is radicchio.
[comes home from school] Hi, everybody.
Oh, hi, honey. You're-you're kinda late getting home.
Yeah, Julie and I stayed after school to protest cheerleading tryouts.
Well, why would you do that?
I was protesting because I think cheerleading is a sexist exploitation of the concept of woman as perennial spectator. Julie was protesting because she was eliminated in the 1st round. Mmm, pasta primavera.
You see? Lynn appreciates my cooking.
Sure, scrape off the vegetables and that pink stuff and it's great. Anything I can do to help?
[looking at the salad] What's this stuff?
[angrily takes the salad away from ALF] Will you stay out of that salad? [he grabs the salad from ALF but the salad flies out of the bowl on Lynn]
Yikes! The radicchio is making a break for it!
ALF, I want you to clean this mess up and I want you to stay out of my way.
[as he sees the spaghetti overboiling] I think your spaghetti's done.
[Willie tries to get the spaghetti to stop from overboiling, but he burns himself as Kate comes home, he quickly grabs a towel while the spaghetti noodles fly off, then he puts the pot in the sink]
[timer dings]
[Kate comes home from work]
Hi, ALF. Hi, Willie. Willie, um, uh, re-remember the first time that, that I stopped working?
Um-m-m, it was when you were expecting Lynn.
Well, do you remember the second time?
When you were expecting Brian.
Well, you know, I haven't been feeling too great lately and, um, I've been feeling you know, kind of tired.
Well, gosh, honey, you ought to see a doctor.
Willie, you lox! Your wife is telling you she's about to spawn again!
Yeah. Are we. [he and Kate kiss each other]
Great! A new baby! We'll raise him as our own!
Well, he or she will be our own.
Well, as our own. It's not our own. Lynn! Brian! Come here, I want to tell you something!
[he and Kate hug each other] Oh, I love you.
[as she and Brian go to the living room] What's up, dad?
There. There's going to be an addition, to our family.
No, it's not that. I'm gonna have a baby.
Oh, mom! That's great! This is so '80s!
We-we'll discuss that later.
I can't believe it! You're gonna be a mother! Brian, get some papers. Lynn, boil some water.
Well, ALF, the baby won't be here for 8 months.
Who's talking about the baby? I want a cup of tea and I want to read the funnies.
