You Can't Do That on Television · Season 9
[Kevin gets back in bed as we hear a toilet flush. His mother walks in.]
Did you just go to the bathroom again, Kevin?
[sighing] Yes, Mom...
Well, you're going in the middle of the night far too often. You're waking everybody up!
Well, fine, what do you want me to do? Get up and go to the bathroom, or stay in bed and go to the bathroom?!
Yes.
Yes, what?
Stay in bed. I'll just put this diaper on you...
[A loud farting noise is heard.]
Oh no, too late!
I can hardly wait to get slimed!
Oh, and what makes you so sure you're going to get slimed?
Well, it can't be you, Chris. You just got watered.
[Jill is drenched]
Not everyone can be cool, and I haven't been slimed in a long time! I don't know why!!!
[Carlos is slimed]
Sure, Carlos, go ahead, be greedy. "Well, I don't know!"
[Jill is slimed]
We don't know!
[Christian and Sariya are both slimed at once]
Guess what... I don't know!
[Amyas is slimed]
If being slimed is suddenly the cool thing to do, then I simply don't know what this could be except...
[Chris is slimed]
...the Introduction to the Opposites!
I got more than you.
[The end of the opposites. The kids are all still covered in slime from earlier, but they now look horrified.]
Oh, I must look really good now!
I can't believe we thought that being slimed was so cool! I don't know how we could have been so stupid! [he gets slimed again]
You Can't Do That On Television will be shown at this time because we've failed to come up with anything better to show you to illustrate...
[Cut to a shot of the announcer]
...the theme of-- the camera's on me. Not at the start of the show. What? To illustrate-- 'Cause I'm a sailor? A failure?
"The Wright Brothers Become The First Flyers To Lose Their Luggage" will not be seen in order that be may bring you a show we've tried to lose many many times.
Chris, you were our first child!
[Bumps heads with Valerie] OW!
And Stephanie, you were our second child. And Ted...
Third time lucky, Mom?
No, actually, Ted, you were another first.
All right!
...Our first big mistake.
Which do you prefer, Christmas or birthdays?
Well, I get about the same amount of presents on Christmas and on my birthday, but the great thing about my birthday is, I don't have to buy presents for anybody else.
[Opposite skit, Mr. and Mrs. Prevert come into Christian's bedroom with presents, breakfast in bed and a TV.]
Ta da! Wakey wakey!
Happy Children's Day Christian.
Wow, breakfast in bed?
Yes, and we have some presents for you. Don't we Lance?
Wow!
Children's Day is our day to show our appreciation for kids.
Oh thanks mom. Thanks dad.
Hey, what's on the TV? No work today! Nothing but fun, fun fun fun!
[The screen flips over, ending the opposites]
Well I'm glad that's over. Let's get this out of here. (takes the TV away as Mrs. Prevert takes away the presents.) Now, you are going to clean my car. You are going to paint the house, put out the garbage, scrub the cess pool and then go to school.
What's so wrong about having a Kids Day anyway? I mean, there's a Mother's Day and a Father's Day. There's even a Groundhog's Day!
Christian, every day is Children's Day and you're spoiled enough as it is!
Oh, that's what you're always trying to tell--
(dumps the cereal on Christian's head) There.
Dump it! (dumps the rest of the breakfast on Christian.) Now you lazy little slob, clean up that mess! (he and Mrs. Prevert leave)
Oh great!
"Rambo Thinks" will not be shown at this time. Thinking is something too difficult for Rambo to manage. Instead, we bring you the following show that is really too much effort to bother watching.
[Chris is washing and waxing a car on the highway.]
Wash on, wash off. Wash on, wash off.
I've seen the movie. This is going to turn me into a big karate champion right?
No! Turn you into car wash attendant!
...
Wait a minute. Can we stop this scene? That joke was stupid! It didn't have any punchline. Can we do it over?
No punchline?
No punchline. I already told you! What are you deaf?
[punches Chris in the face] That was punchline!
"Green Slime Is Scraped From Smokers' Lungs" will not be seen at this time so that we can bring you the following show, which also has green slime, but does not pollute the air. But it does pollute your television set.
Hi, and welcome to another episode of You Can't Do That On Television. And since today's show is about generosity, I thought I'd be real nice and generous and let someone introduce the show, so... Patrick, you're my friend.
Oh, thank you, thank you, Chris! Oh, I don't know a more generous person than you-
[Patrick is slimed.]
Ted, get OUT of here! It's my turn in the bathroom, Ted! [hits him over the head with her mirror, which breaks] BOY, you're annoying!
Ha, look, Stephanie, you broke your mirror! That's seven years bad luck!
No, no, no, no! You think you get seven years bad luck, but this week only, during our generous summer sale, you get NOT seven, NOT fourteen, but TWENTY-ONE years bad luck!!
YES!!!
You know, Jill, I think it was very nice and generous of the audience to give you all those tomatoes tonight, dear.
[hiding in the back seat] Mother, they didn't GIVE me the tomatoes, they THREW them at me! [sits up to reveal that she is covered with squashed tomatoes]
True.
They didn't like my solo. Mother, everyone thinks I'm a failure, don't you understand?!
Jill, Jill, that is not true, not everybody threw somethin' at you. The Wildermeyers were there...
That's right.
They never tossed nothin'.
[A car pulls up next to the Preverts'.]
Oh, look!
They just pulled up to the stoplight! Hey Wildermeyer, over here! Yeah! How ya doin'? Yeah, we need a little confidence buildin'. My daughter Jill wants to know, what did ya think of her song?
[The Wildermeyers throw more tomatoes at Jill from off screen.]
"Rambo's Mother Makes Him Take Ballet Lessons" will not be seen at this time so that we can bring you television's most embarrassing show.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's You Can't Do That on Television pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
