You Can't Do That on Television Season 7 quotes

What's the matter Alasdair? Are you shy or something?

No I'm not Doug.

But Alasdair, we're brothers. We've been changing in this room for years.

Yeah I know Doug, but look at this.

Oh Alasdair. This censorship stuff is getting ridiculous!

Yeah, so is having TV CAMERAS IN YOUR BEDROOM!! Well let's get em!

(grabbing a baseball bat) Ok, I'm going for a home run!

Go now!

Ready? (Swings the bat at the camera)

(while all the kids sitting in the movie theater are cut down by a barrage of bullets) Coming soon to a theater near you, "RAMBO KILLS EVERYONE"! See Rambo shoot your friends. See him kill you! See Rambo shoot everyone in the whole world without having to reload his machine gun once. "RAMBO KILLS EVERYONE"!!!!

Where do these things come from anyways?

Well afterwards they're put on as a special effect.

You mean they're not really here and the people in the studio can see whats underneath them?

Yep Doug, that's exactly right.

The cameraman? Everyone?

Yes Doug, they can all see your shorts.

Young man, I certainly hope that washing your mouth off with this soap has taught you about using that kind of language.

I'm gonna be using that kind of language more from now on.

WHAT?! Didn't this teach you a lesson?

It sure did.

What's that?

I love the taste of soap, it's fabulous.

"Lifestyles Of The Poor And Unknown" will not be seen at this time so that we may bring you the following even bigger loser of a show.

[in the locker room] Boys, boys, listen - I've got some bad news for ya. I was at the eye doctor's today, and he tells me I gotta quit coachin'. Yeah, my eyesight is so bad I can hardly see.

Coach, that's really too bad.

Yeah, I guess that means you're out of a job, right?

Are you kidding? I got a new job already. I'm a referee. [takes off his coaching jacket to reveal a referee's shirt on underneath] I'll see ya out on the field... [bumps into the door] ...if I can find the field. [to the door] Come on, buddy, outta the way!

I'm in luck! Three sevens, Dougie! I won! Peel.

(gasping) Children! I would be horrified that you would be playing like strip poker! It's immoral!

No, mom, not strip poker, food poker. (He peels a banana.)

Oh. I've never head of food poker. I'm sorry, Dougie. I don't know what I was thinking of.

By the way, mom, what is strip poker?

Never you mind, young man. Just eat that banana.

Hey, Dougie, wanna play another hand, double or nothing?

"The Wheel Of Fortune Runs Over People And Flattens Them" will not be seen at this time so that you may have the bad luck of watching the following program.

"The A-Team Delivers Newspapers" will not be seen at this time so that we may bring you the following botched job.

Oh, Adam, how did the part-time job at the parking garage go today, dear?

It's not fair! You'd think they'd have promoted me!

Oh, what happened, Adam?

Well, you see, I was driving this customer's Porsche into the garage to see how fast it would go. Only problem was, it ended up parked on top of another car. You think they'd realized I just showed them how to fit twice as many cars into the garage! But no, no... first they yell at me, then they fired me.

Adam, how did the job at the fast food place go today, dear?

It's not fair! You'd think they'd have promoted me!

Oh, no, what happened, dear?

Well, you see, they kept yelling at me to serve the food faster, and I did. I served the food faster than anybody else did. Only trouble was it didn't get cooked first.

Oh, dear.

You think they'd realize the money they could save by serving the hamburgers raw. But no, no... first they yell at me, then they fire me.

Ready... aim... [Alasdair sticks a card on El Capitan's back] Wait, wait. [To Alasdair] What'd you do? You put a sign on my back. Childish trick, you stuck a sign that probably says "Kick Me"?

No.

Alright, we'll find out. Amigos, [walks in front of Alasdair] the sign on my back, what does it say?

"Fire"! [El Capitan gets shot.]

Shot in the back by his own firing squad.

Adam! How was the job at the car wash today, dear?

It's not fair! You'd think they'd have promoted me!

Oh, no, what happened, dear?

You see, there was this Mercedes with an electric sunroof. I accidentally pushed the button to open the sunroof just as it was going into the car wash. You think they'd realized I'd just shown them a way to clean the inside of the car as the same time of the outside. But, no, no... first they yell at me, then they fire me.

Well, this fan wants to know what green slime is made of.

Van, why don't you tell them?

Because I don't kn-- Because, Alasdair, they won't tell us.

Well, this fan wants to know he we got on the show.

Well, in my case, I did something really bad at school and being on this show was the worst punishment the teacher could think of. How about you?

Well, Vanessa, actually I thought about it many times, but I don't know how I got on the show.

I know, Alasdair. They needed someone to keep saying those words to keep getting green slime dumped all over them.

Adam, how was the house painting job today, dear?

It's not fair! You'd think they'd have given me a bonus!

Oh, dear, what happened, Adam?

Well, you see, I got this spray gun and I was able to spray paint faster than anybody else and more than anybody else. Well, they got upset because I accidentally spray painted the cat, the window panes, the flowers, the lady of the house, and part of the new Mercedes.

Oh, dear.

You think they'd have given me a bonus for being fast! But no, no... first they yell at me, then they fire me.