[A door-to-door saleswoman (Alanis) walks up to the Preverts' front door and rings the bell. Mrs. Prevert answers, her red hair in curlers.]
Ravon Calling! Good morning or afternoon, sir or madam, as the case may be. As advertised on television, we would like to offer you a beauty program that will leave you looking years younger. Try our new beauty cream absolutely free of charge.
Oh, I certainly will! Oh!
[Mrs. Prevert excitedly rubs some of the cream on her cheeks. A puff of smoke, and she is transformed into a little girl.]
Young Mrs. Prevert: (Stephanie) Wow, it really works! I feel years younger!
[Young Mrs. Prevert excitedly reaches for more cream.]
No, don't take any more... I wouldn't recommend it...
[Mrs. Prevert rubs more cream on her cheeks anyway. Another puff of smoke, and she is transformed into an infant (doll).]
(Picking up Mrs. Prevert) The manual never said anything about this!
(outside the bathroom, knocking on the door) Come on. You can't hide in the bathroom, it's time to go to school. I don't care if you got no clothes on, I'm coming in! (she enters) Aha! (she heads for the shower curtain, then opens it, revealing the principal) Aha! You have to go to school!
Please don't make me go to school. You know how I hate it there and those big Grade 10 boys!
No excuse. You have to go to school, it's the law! Besides, you're the principal! Now come along. (she grabs the principal by the ear and pulls him out)
[Ross is tutoring the kids on set.]
Alasdair, (writing "H2O" on a chalkboard) can you tell me what that means? (The other kids laugh.)
Of course I know, I'm just not gonna say it, that's all.
Alasdair, you are gonna give me the answer or I'm gonna punish you again.
Ross, you're doing this deliberately, aren't you? You're just trying to set me up!
Get over here. Come on, Alasdair, move. (Alasdair heads over near Ross) Oh, I wish I'd been a teacher all along! I could have been mean to kids every day of the week! Put your hand out!
What do you mean put my hand out?
Alasdair, either you hold out your hand or you say "water".
[Ross gets drenched.]
Well, Ross, I think you've said it all.
(entering the bedroom, where Doug and Jody are lying in their individual beds, sneezing and sniffling) Okay boys, it's time for school, you're going to be late. Up, up!
We can't, mom. These allergies are (sneezes) really getting to us!
JJody
My nose, my body aches all over!
Well, perhaps you boys had better stay home. There is a lot of that pollen stuff in the air. (leaves)
Can you believe that?! She bought it! (produces a pepper mill from under his bedclothes) These pepper mills are a real lifesaver.
(returning, holding some blankets, a pot and a humidifier) Okay! I've closed all the windows, and I'm going to steam up the room, and here's some extra blankets, and I'm going to take your temperature, Jody, open your mouth. That's it. And lots and lots of chicken soup; (to rubber chicken in the pot) Elmo, sit still. Oh, you're going to be better in no time! (leaves)
JJody
Oh, great idea, Doug. Now we've gotta stay in this torture chamber all day!
I think I'd rather go to school.
(Doug, the paperboy, walks up to the Preverts' front step to collect his fee. Mr. and Mrs. Prevert, who have spots all over their faces, are holding a sign that says "QUARANTINE.")
Oh, keep away, little boy! It isn't safe!
Oh, young man, we're under quarantine, can't you see? You have to stay away.
Listen lady, I don't care if you're under quarantine. I've come to get the money for the paper, and I'm gonna get it, you know.
Hey kid, we'd love to pay ya. Can't you read, we're under quarantine! We have got "spotted faaaaaaaceatosis"! You catch it and you die! I'm sorry!
(scared) Oh, well that's okay then. Maybe I'll come back next week, and - and - and I'll get my money then, okay? (runs off quickly, leaving his bag of papers behind)
Oh Lance, this quarantine idea of yours is sheer genius! (begins to rub some of the spots off her face, revealing the spots to be only ink) Ever since we pretended we had "spotted faceatosis," well, we've saved all kinds of money! My goodness, we haven't had to pay the milkman, the vacuum cleaner repairman, the car salesman, it's wonderful. You're a genius.
Genius? Valerie, I really have got spotted faaaaaceatosis. I think you've got it too.
(pointing to a spot on Valerie's nose) That one ain't gonna come off.
(he and Jody are in their bathrobes, in the washroom) I'm not going to school today. We have a spelling bee and I didn't study.
JJody
Mom's not gonna let you stay home for that.
I know, but she's not going to let a sick kid go to school, is she? Watch. (fills a pitcher with water from the tap, walks over to the toilet, and while pouring the water into the toilet bowl, makes retching sounds)
Did I just hear someone being sick in the toilet?
Oh, well, whoever it was certainly can't go to school today. So, I want you boys to finish getting dressed (walks over to the toilet and picks up the empty pitcher) while I put this poor little jug to bed. Oh, there there, little jug, yes. And Dougie, hurry up and put your clothes on, unless you want to go to school in your bathrobe.
Ugh! Mom, this food is disgusting! I wouldn't feed this to my worst enemy.
Oh, neither would I, dear. I love you, Alanis; in fact, no one could be closer to me than you are, so I didn't give it to my worst enemy - I gave it to you. Now EAT IT, young lady, every forkful! There's nothing wrong with pureed rutabager! In! Two, three!
Hi. Today's show is about something that some of us have a lot of and some of us hardly have any of.
You must mean money, Adam.
No, no, Chris. I mean enemies. Today's show is about enemies and [looking at the script] par-parano--
Well, what does paranoia-- whatever you--
That word there, the one you can't say right? Paranoia is the feeling that no one likes you, that everybody hates you.
Ah, I guess you know all about that, then.
[Suddenly, a strange beeping noise is heard.]
What's that? What's happening?!
[running in] THE RUSSIANS IS COMING! THE RUSSIANS IS COMING! [screams and runs off]
Now that's paranoia. Not to mention bad grammar.
Ross, if you think I'm going to wear this (bleep, bleep) sailor outfit, you can just (bleep, bleep)!
Alasdair, why did you get bleeped? And we weren't even using bad language.
You know, Vanessa you're right. I don't know what I said wrong.
(Alasdair is slimed. More bleeping is heard and James comes in with a remote control)
JJames
Hey guys, have you seen this neat gizmo? It sure makes a cool bleeping noise.
JJames
What do all those words mean?
You're too young to know James. That is what they call real bleeping.
Well. Is this what you have to present for Show and Tell Alasdair?
(Alasdair is standing apparently naked with a black square over his groin)
JJodie
Kind of a funny color isn't it?
I can't see anything. (to the camera) Get rid of that stupid black band!
(the black square disappears to reveal Alasdair wearing Hawaiian shorts. Vanessa screams)
Hey, if you think that's neat, wait till you see what else my parents brought back from Hawaii! (puts on a lei.)
Ohhhh. (to the camera) Put the black band back! (the black square reappears) No! I mean on his face! (the black square moves over Alasdair's face.)
[Ross is washing Doug's mouth out with soap.]
(Talking to the producer) I agree.
(Bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep)!
Worst (bleep) that I've ever heard.
How about five minutes more?
Open up. (Shoves the soap back in Doug's mouth.)
[Alasdair and Doug are changing clothes in their bedroom.]
