TV show quotes
[An Opposite Sketch. In this sketch, Christine, Lisa and Doug lean in progressively closer toward Kevin, who is wearing a leather jacket, and finally are leaning in so close that he falls out of his desk.]
Look whose Mommy didn't make him wear a sailor suit to school!
...Who dresses like a punk!
...Who isn't Mommy's little darling!
...Who's not a big sissy!
"Fred Sanford, The World's Best Dressed Man" will not be seen at this time in order that we may bring you the following tasteless program.
[Christine enters the studio]
Where do you think you're going?
To do the introduction to the show.
You can't do that on television!
Yeah, that's the show, alright.
Anyway, what do you think of fads and fashions? I thought this would be the perfect chance to take the roving camera to Paris to find out. No such good luck. They sent me to Massapequa, Long Island instead.
[wearing a giant beanie] When I was your age, Dougie, we all had these hats. We called them beanies.
Is that why so many men your age are bald now, Dad? Did the propeller blow all their hair off?
Whaddaya mean, "bald"? GO TO BED!
Christine, have you ever tried the water diet?
No, what's that-- Oh, you drink all the water you want...
No, you don't exactly drink it.
(realizing something) Oh no...
[Christine gets drenched.]
Christine, the wet look is in. Oh, you got it this time.
Moose, I am getting out of here! This studio is haunted! I just seen three ghosts!
Ross, don't be silly. There's no ghosts in here.
Oh no? What do you call them?
[Doug, Kevin, and Lisa enter in ghost sheets.]
That's just Kevin, Lisa, and Dougie in some latest Paris fashion.
[in a ghostly voice] Noooooooo.
What do you mean, "Noooooooo"? It is you, isn't it, Lisa?
Well, yeah, it is, but it's not the latest fashion from Paris, it's the latest from New York. They call it the Amityville Horror look.
Isn't there any fashion too ridiculous for you guy to wear?
I don't know.
[All three get slimed]
Gotcha.
When I get cleaned up, McGlade, I'm gonna come back and haunt you!
[The dungeon. Kevin is in a diving suit.]
I don't see why you're going through all this trouble just to get me dressed up in the latest fashion. No one ever sees me when I'm chained up down here.
Who said anything about fashion? No, no, this is for your own good. you see, they're gonna drain the moat right into this dungeon--
[The sound of water running can be heard as Nasti quickly puts a mask on Kevin]
Have a nice swim! See ya round! [runs off]
"The Love Boat Runs Aground On Fantasy Island" will not be seen in order that we may bring you the following holiday season replacement.
Alright, now, class, I have read your all your essay assignments about what you did this summer on your vacations. Now, my revenge. Kevin, the light switch, please.
[Kevin walks over and turns off the light. Mr. Schidtler turns on a slide projector.]
Thank you. Alright, now here we go. Ah, there it is. That's my wife Cecily and my little nephew Tyler at the airport on the way to Mexico.
Hi, and welcome to another episode of "You Can't Do That On Television". This shows is packed full of brand-new, super-duper, funny and zany comedy, it's all new and even better than before. (Suddenly, the credits start rolling.) Wait a second. Stop. Stop. Hold it! Stop. (The credits stop rolling and fade out.)
Well, what is it now?
What do you mean, "what is it now"? Why were the closing credits rolling? I hadn't even finished my introduction.
It's my newest idea for saving money, a little tip I picked up from the advertisers. What you do is, you call the show all-new and better than ever, and then you present the viewers with less content.
Yeah, sounds good so far, but how does that save money?
That's the beauty of it. We only do a two minute show, then we only have to pay you kids for two minutes and I get the rest!
Yeah. Forget it, Ross.
Well, it was worth a try.
The things some people will do to make a buck.
I went on that Super Loop ride at the amusement park the other day, you know, the one where it goes up and then it goes around and around and then it comes back down, except this time it stopped right at the top.
Oh, really? Oh, how awful! You mean, you were hanging there upside down? Oh, for how long?
Until all the money that had fallen out of my pockets got swept up and taken away.
"The Price Is Right Raise Their Prices" will not be seen at this time in order to bring you the following program we've managed to rip off.
[Lisa is at the firing squad.]
Ready... aim... fire! (One shot goes off.)
What happened? How come I haven't been shot?
Oh, you see, we only use blank bullets.
Blank bullets? Oh, I should have guessed. You guys are always trying to rip us tourists off. Well, I won't stand for it! I paid for a real firing squad, not one that uses blank bullets. Now, look, when little Sally went on her French Revolutionary tour, they did it right.
[El Captain begins to look annoyed.]
They guillotined her and they got a plastic surgeon to sew her head back on. They sewed it on backwards, but it doesn't matter. She still gloats over it about me, and I told her that my South American junta would be better than hers. So we're gonna do it again, and we're gonna do it right!
ALRIGHT! Alright, firing squad. Live ammo, load up! Ready... (to Lisa) You wanna go through with this?
Get on with it before I get really mad and I'll report you to someone higher than you and you'll get it--
AIIIM... (to Lisa) This is your last chance.
Don't interrupt me, don't even ask me again, okay?
FIRE! (Lisa gets shot.)
Now that's better. (She falls to the floor.)
[Lisa is pulling balloons out of a cereal box.]
Hey, Mom, this is great. The free balloons in the box of Coco Flakes are already blown up.
Well, that's right, dear. You see that way, they don't have to put as much in the package. Now...
[She pours a single corn flake from the box.]
...eat your flake.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's You Can't Do That on Television pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
