You Can't Do That on Television quotes

"The Incredible Hulk Runs Out Of Deodorant" will not be seen in order that we may bring you the following hastily made-up program.

(interrupting Christine's talk about beauty parlors) Don't I know it, Christine. Like, my mom goes to the beauty parlor twice a week and has this mud cake, it looks really funny, she won't--

Lisa, excuse me for interrupting, but why would she do that?

I don't know!

You knew about this, didn't you, Moosie?

Well, remember that typo in the script that said "Lisa Muddy" instead of "Lisa Ruddy"?

Yes.

That was no typo!

You, know, Moosie, this means war.

My mother is always complaining about the mess in my room. I mean, she even has the nerve to say that I'm addicted to making a mess. I have to tell her, "No, Mom, I'm actually addicted to tidiness, but I'm doing a very good job of overcoming that addiction."

Kevin, I must say I'm impressed with the way that you've changed for the better in your attitude toward your schoolwork lately. All the time you're bent over stacks of paper, scribbling away with your pencil, and I must say I am pleased.

Excuse me, sir?

Hmm? Yes, yes, Kevin?

Could you tell me a nine-letter word that starts with "D" that means "to be kept against one's will"?

Well... wait a minute! You mean to tell me you've been doing crossword puzzles all this time?!!

Yes, sir. I'm sort of addicted to them, sir.

I see. Oh - wait a minute. Maybe I can help you with that nine-letter word - yes, and maybe I can even let you experience it. How about [writing on the blackboard] "D-E-T-I-N-S-H-O-N" - "detention"! And you can start by writing it 5,000 times!

That way or the right way, sir?

[after the closing credits roll, over a shot of Lisa, Christine and Kevin being gobbled up by a Pac-Man] You Can't Do That On Television has been an Eat 'Em Up Production. [The Pac-Man belches]

[holding up a video game cartridge] Now this is the ultimate video cartridge. It lets you play with your favorite TV program and do what you've always wanted to do. Like, you could shoot down all those stupid little Smurfs, or you could make The Dukes of Hazzard get into a 20-car collision, or you could sink The Love Boat; think of it - you could commit arson...

[voiceover, over "THE END" screen] Okay, which one of you guys out there has one of these cartridges? Aw, c'mon, you guys, I didn't think they were on the market yet! Okay, a joke's a joke, but, let's get back to the show now. Okay, it was funny at first, but... [screen fades out]

(watching The Rocky Horror Picture Show) When is Julie Andrews coming on?

The most popular children's show on television will not be seen at this time in order that we might bring you another episode of You Can't Do That On Television.

When I agreed to do the Kevin Kubusheskie celebrity roast, this isn't what I had in mind!

I don't why we have to wear these stupid numbers anyway. I mean, what difference does it make who's the most popular kid on the show?

What difference does it make? It makes a lot of difference! For instance, the most popular kid on the show can demand a lot from the producers, like she can ask for her own make-up lady, she can ask for her own dressing room... (realizes something) Think of it, she can ask for her own chauffeur-driven limousine. But most important of all, she can ask for more money and probably get it, and everybody else will get less.

Really?

Yeah, the producers take this audience survey stuff very seriously.

Oh. [Pushes Christine off-camera] I've always said that the audience was the most important part of our show. I mean, without the audience, there wouldn't be a show, now would there? So remember, I've always said that you're the most intelligent, good-looking, and wonderful audience--

He's ever lied to. [Kevin attacks Christine.]

Great news, Dad! I've just been voted the least popular kid in our school!

Oh, good, son! Hey, listen, just keep up the good work and keep studying the maths because you'll have no trouble getting a job with the department of Internal Revenue!

Alright! (leaves, reciting math equations to himself)

Sounds right to me.

Okay then, Ed, you can pick me up by eight? Okay, bye-bye. [She hangs up.]

Wait a minute, did I hear that right?

What?

You just told Ed to pick you up at eight.

Yeah, so?

Well, half an hour ago, you told him to pick you up at six.

Oh, that was a different Ed.

You mean to say that you're going out with two boys named Ed?

Haven't you heard? "Two Eds are better than one"?

Dad, who's the most popular person among all your friends?

Well, I would say...

Whoever's buying the next round of drinks.

That last skit is very important. It helps to prove how one can not always believe how surveys say. For all we know, the people at home filling out the ballots may simply be a bunch of uneducated buffoons.

OH, NO, NO! I didn't mean to say that! Oh, who wrote the cue cards?!

That girl just called me an uneducated buffoon. I am not voting for her.

I always thought she was remarkably perceptive.

Ha! When I was your age, I wouldn't have been caught dead wearing a skirt!

It's not a skirt, it's a kilt. And when you were my age, probably all you had to wear was dinosaur skins.

Actually, they were saber-toothed tiger skins. Dinosaur skins went out with the caveman.