TV show quotes
Oh, Grace. You're dating a convict? Does it come to this?
He's not a convict. He is just some guy who did some white-collar real-estate thing and needs to be behind bars for a little while until he learns his lesson.
Oh. Hey, he wouldn't happen to have a brother who's not gay but likes to have sex with men, does he?
Fixing up my dad's girlfriend? Nice. What's next, a cruise with the Korean woman my uncle fathered a child with during the war?
Lamar is...well, he's like me, Kare.
Not allowed to step within 100 feet of Kevin Bacon?
Knock-knock. Anybody homo?
I am, I am!
Wow. Elliot has two gay parents. That's like... every kid's dream.
You're not a lesbian.....say something lesbionic
Home Depot
K.D.Lang you are a lesbian
[Jack is trying to find out whether his new singing partner, Owen, is really gay]
Why don't we start with some vocal exercises. What gym do you go to? Why haven't I seen you in the clubs? And who have we slept with in common?
I work out at home. I'm allergic to smoke. And I'm in a long-term relationship with my high school boyfriend.
Name?
Ben.
I know him.
No, you don't.
How do you know?
He told me you don't.
I met Karen's mother. She's not dead. She's a cocktail waitress. It turns out Karen's father died when she was seven. Oh, my God. Can you imagine what Karen looked like when she was seven years old? Cute little pumps, cute little martini, cute little pills. Ah-ha-ha. Anyway, from then on they moved around a lot until Lois met a man, a ne'er-do-well named Bernie. Or was it Todd? I don't know. I can't remember, 'cause at that point I zoned out 'cause some real hot fireman came into the bar. Oh, his name was Todd. That's right. Hot Toddy. Hot Toddy. Hot Toddy. Anyway, what did I do with his number? Actually, when Karen was 16, her and her mother had some big falling-out, and Lois wouldn't tell me what it was; but I have a feeling Karen killed a man with her bare breasts. All this is in my movie. I smell sequel.
[Will pushes Jack out the door.]
Wow. Karen has a mother?
So, Karen, on this, the centennial of your birth, Jack wants me to wish you a happy birthday. I hope all your wishes come true. And when you do become Satan's mistress, don't you forget the little people.
Uh, excuse me. As Aretha said to Gloria, Celine, Shania, and Mariah during Divas Live..."Are you trippin'? No one interrupts the Queen of Soul, bitch. Okay?"
Well, I believe she also said, "Hey, Cuba, Canada, cowgirl, Crazy, get out of my light and away from my snacks, bitch."
Bill just said 2002 was the last palindrome year of our lifetime, and I laughed, and he looked at me weird. A palindrome is some kind of elephant, right?
My mother is a con artist, okay? I send her a check once a month to keep her out of my hair. Yeah, my entire childhood was spent traveling with her from town to town, running scams on people. Never settling down. Just when I'd make a friend, have 'em over for milk and cookies... Bam! It was time to move on.
Karen, that's shocking. You drank milk?
The last town we lived in, I fell in love with a boy. Heh. He had long blond hair, delicate features, soft skin... At least, I think it was a boy. Well, anyway, I was in love. And he or she loved me. Until my mom scammed her, too. Then he left me. That was when I left home and never looked back.
Karen, this isn't something you can run away from. It's not like a hotel bill or a crying baby.
Oh, by the way, Will, that guy that just made partner at my firm -- Brian. He's gay.
Really? The Canadian guy?
Oh, jeez, that was it: Canadian. He's gonna call ya anyway.
I'll never forget it. My fellow office workers and I were heading down to lunch, and, suddenly... The lights went out, the elevator dropped, and... Dennis Hopper said he would kill us all if his demands weren't met. I thank God Keanu Reeves was there to get us out. [cries.]
Karen, that wasn't you, that was the opening scene of Speed!
Oh. You know, that movie was not at all what was advertised. You think you're going to see a feel-good movie about amphetamines, and, suddenly, you're on a bus? Wh-- ?
And i certainly wouldn't have broken up you and what's his name. I mean she was nice!
Yeah, she was -- I miss him!
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