Will & Grace Season 2 quotes

Will

I got a call from my friend at the I.N.S. yesterday, and apparently the marriage between a 30-year-old gay man and a postmenopausal Salvadoran maid flagged something in their computer.

Karen

Okay, are we done yet?

Will

No. Look, they're gonna start making random visits to verify that Jack and Rosario are a real married couple. So since their official residence is listed as your place, I think the best thing would be for Jack to move into your penthouse.

Jack

I just adore a penthouse view! Ooh, my very own sexless marriage. Just like Will and Grace.

Will

No, not like Will and Grace. We don't even live together any more. She's got her own apartment.

Jack

Eight dysfunctional feet away.

Karen

Lord, they're like Siamese twins who are joined at their boring personalities.

Karen

Hey. Hey, you're on the clock, tamale. Get to work!

Rosario

Listen, lady, I'll squash you like a wormy apple.

Karen

[suddenly emotional] Oh, Will, don't let them take my sunshine away!

Rosario

[embraces her] I love my mommy!

Karen

[to Jack] Sometimes bad things happen to good people, and sometimes bad things happen to you.

Karen

Oh, honey, what can I do? Do you want another bird?

Jack

No! How can you even ask me that? When my grandmother died, did you buy me another racist dowager with a purse full of diabetic candy?

Will

I think you've sprung a leak.

Grace

What're you talking about?

Will

I haven't been with a woman in some time, but I'm pretty sure they're not supposed to do that.

Jack

Commandment number one in the gay bible: Thou shalt not covet my ex's ass!

Will

Is that from the Book of Genesissy?

Rosario

Listen lady, in my country I was a schoolteacher.

Karen

Oh yeah? Well in this country, you wash my bras.

Bobbi Adler

I listened.

Grace

You're a mother. You're not supposed to listen.

Bobbi Adler

Then what do you want me to do?

Grace

I don't want you to fix me up. But I want you to want to fix me up. I just don't want you to want me to want to go out with the guys that you want to fix me up with.

Bobbi Adler

You know, this rambling problem comes from your grandmother.

Grace

Your lips can go from here [points to Will's lips] to HERE! [points to her butt]

Karen

Oh, honey, could we get two seared ahi salads with honey mustard on the side?

I don't work here.

Karen

That wasn't my question, was it?

So, how's Will doing?

Grace

I think you would know better than me.

[sighs] Yeah, I would.

Grace

But don't worry, I'm on him. I'm giving him a really hard time.

Whoa! You're a cold-hearted little thing, aren't you?

Grace

Well, if he's going to let work get to him like that...It's just really unattractive.

Grace, I don't don't know how things work with the very modern relationship between you two, but in the great state of Texas you'd be considered a bitch.

Grace

Ow! You crushed my nose. [exits]

Jack

Sorry! If it's broken, we'll get it fixed. [to Will] For the second time.

Grace

[sticking her head through the window] I heard that, you bitch. And this nose has never been touched.

Jack

I'm sorry, ma'am, you can pick up your fries at the next window. [to Will] Guess what? I've been promoted to captain at my catering company, and tonight I'm supervising an event at the Waldorf-Astoria. I will have eight men under me. How great is that?

Will

Eight men? What'd you do, write the Gay Make A Wish Foundation?

Jack

You couldn't do my job for one night. I challenge you!

Will

Okay, I'll do it.

Jack

Ha! I knew you wouldn't do it because you are scared.

Will

I agreed.

Jack

What just happened?

[in response to Jack telling her he is gay] Looking back on it... there have been clues. When you were a child, you were overly fond of the nursery rhyme "Rub-a-dub-dub, three men in a tub". And you do have a lot of flamboyantly gay friends. I mean, look at Will!

Grace

Well, you've come on a good night. Jack's mother is going to be joining us, and she doesn't know Jack's gay.

Karen

How could she not know? What is she, headless?