Karen Walker quotes from Will & Grace

Karen

Ooh, I want a drag name!

It's simple, sugar. You take the name of your first pet, and the street you grew up on.

Karen

Shu—Shu Fontana! Jack, what would yours be?

Jack

Glen 125th.

Jack

I finally found my life's calling, and it involves these two hands.

Will

Ah. So you're going to be self-employed.

Jack

Insert laugh... here. I'm going to be a massage therapist. It was an obvious choice, being that I am a people person. I love people... as long as they're not hairy... or smelly... or have the dreaded bacne, ugh. Okay, I need some guinea pigs. Who's interested?

Will

Smelly.

Grace

Hairy.

Jack

Thank you, friends.

Karen

Bacne. Oh, who am I kidding? It's alabaster from my neck to my ass. I just don't want to do it.

Karen

Honey, did you try Balthazar?

Grace

Karen, Steak & Brew are spitting at me through the phone. How would I get a table there?

Karen

Oh, Grace, I am your assistant. Now, I may not be a whiz at the...[points]

Grace

Computer.

Karen

Or know how to work the...[points]

Grace

Fax.

Karen

But, honey, I do know how to get where I need to be. Now hand me the--

Grace

Phone.

Karen

Well, honey, I would have gotten that one.

Karen

Gosh, I don't think I've ever been stressed out. I mean, why would I be? I got practically no responsibilities, my job's a breeze, and I got a killer rack! Good morning!

Grace

Oh, when you smile, you have the cutest little wrinkle right there!

Karen

Where? [runs to mirror]

Grace

Feel that? That's stress.

Karen

Honey, what's going on with your hair? Looks like you got Moose and Squirrel in there.

Grace

You should talk, Mulan.

Grace

Your cook's name is "Cook"?

Karen

No, Grace, he has a name. I just don't remember it. No wait a minute, it'll come to me, it'll come to me... "Where are my damned eggs... Paul!" Paul. God, Paul is dead. Now who the hell is gonna cook for us?

Jack

If you had invited me to dinner - which you didn't, thank you very much, busy anyway - I could have saved Stan's life. I know CPR.

Karen

You do?

Jack

Yeah. I had to do it on my father when I told him I was gay - although I think that just confused him even more.

Will

I got a call from my friend at the I.N.S. yesterday, and apparently the marriage between a 30-year-old gay man and a postmenopausal Salvadoran maid flagged something in their computer.

Karen

Okay, are we done yet?

Will

No. Look, they're gonna start making random visits to verify that Jack and Rosario are a real married couple. So since their official residence is listed as your place, I think the best thing would be for Jack to move into your penthouse.

Jack

I just adore a penthouse view! Ooh, my very own sexless marriage. Just like Will and Grace.

Will

No, not like Will and Grace. We don't even live together any more. She's got her own apartment.

Jack

Eight dysfunctional feet away.

Karen

Lord, they're like Siamese twins who are joined at their boring personalities.

Karen

Hey. Hey, you're on the clock, tamale. Get to work!

Rosario

Listen, lady, I'll squash you like a wormy apple.

Karen

[suddenly emotional] Oh, Will, don't let them take my sunshine away!

Rosario

[embraces her] I love my mommy!

Karen

Oh, honey, what can I do? Do you want another bird?

Jack

No! How can you even ask me that? When my grandmother died, did you buy me another racist dowager with a purse full of diabetic candy?

Rosario

Listen lady, in my country I was a schoolteacher.

Karen

Oh yeah? Well in this country, you wash my bras.

Karen

Oh, honey, could we get two seared ahi salads with honey mustard on the side?

I don't work here.

Karen

That wasn't my question, was it?

Grace

Well, you've come on a good night. Jack's mother is going to be joining us, and she doesn't know Jack's gay.

Karen

How could she not know? What is she, headless?

Will

Ben Doucette, Karen Walker.

Ben

I know Mrs. Walker.

Karen

Oh, yeah...I remember you. Stan and I met you at the Whitney opening. You were the bartender. Yeah.

Ben

No, you just gave me your drink order.

Karen

Yeah...and I'm still waiting for it.

Karen

C'mon, Rosario, up. I need you to whip up a batch of Cosmos. The Bronsons came back from the party with us, and I don't like them when they're sober.

Rosario

Why don't I just squeeze you like a sponge? There's enough alcohol in you to fill a hot tub.