Dick Casablancas quotes from Veronica Mars

Veronica

Where's your brother?

Dick

I think he took Ghost World up to his room. They're probably up there makin' love. Or playing Dungeons and Dragons. Or both, at the same time. They're both, like, 12th-level dorks. Just sayin'.

Dick

Veronica Mars - modern college girl on the go.

Veronica

Dick Casablancas - Neolithic college boy on the sauce.

Veronica

Dick, why are you here?

Dick

You saw that article about the Pi Sig house, right? That girl Claire gets raped after one of our parties, and suddenly, school's all in a bunch. There's like this hearing scheduled to try to get us kicked off campus, and that's where you come in.

Veronica

I get to do the kickin'?

Dick

You get to be the spy who loves me. The guys were really impressed with how you cleared the frat of the rape last year.

Veronica

Were they? That means so little.

Dick

They knew we had, like, this connection. So, they sent me here to hire you. We need you to do your Veronica thing and prove it's a pack of lies.

Veronica

Is it? A pack of lies?

Dick

We're a frat. Why rape the cow when you're swimming in free milk?

Dick

So, not only did Chip get Kojak'd, someone put a Roman numeral on one of those little plastic Easter eggs, and stuck it in his... where-the-sun-don't-shine place. And you know where that is.

Veronica

Worst. Easter Egg Hunt. Ever.

Dick

So, in other news, I met this girl a couple weeks ago at a party. Hot! Like, volcanic hot. Like, I might have to use an oven mitt to feel her up. Blink if you understand. She's coming here tonight, and she's bringing her sister, who, I might add, she described as practically her twin. By the way, I did a little research on pathetic sad sackery, and "hot sister" is the recommended treatment.

Logan

No, thanks.

Dick

You sure? We're thinking about going to the swim team's beach blanket blow-out. You can wear your t-shirt that says, "I'd rather be home crying."

Dick

Dude, you're not helping.

Logan

I'm aware of that.

Dick

I live here, too, you know. This is my home. People walk in, they don't think, "this little clean area is Dick's, and the hidden bottles of urine are Logan's." They think "Silence of the Lambs basement," and their desire to get naked near me takes a nose dive. You're lucky you're rich. This would be completely disgusting.

Mac

And his role in this enterprise?

Dick

Consultant. I'm an ass expert.

Logan

Yes, except for the expert part.

Dick

I'm an ass? Who would you ask for advice about lions, a lion or a gerbil? Gerbil, you say? No, you would ask a lion, because by virtue of being a lion, a lion is an expert on lions. So... Okay. I don't see how you hope to launch a website about hot asses without me, but fine. It's Friday night. If I walk long enough in a straight line, I'll hit a party.

Veronica

Dick? Get out here.

Dick

What's up, V?

Veronica

If you had to bet?

Dick

Look, from a guy's perspective, the video just made your stock go up. You looked great. Enthusiasm -- always a plus--

Veronica

It's like you're this giant jackass piñata begging for someone to beat the candy out of you. Where'd you get the video?

Dick

Someone e-mailed it to me.

Veronica

Who? Get your computer.

Dick

I probably deleted--

Veronica

After all these years, do you not instinctively fear me? Maybe you should write yourself a note.

Veronica

You forwarded it to your whole address book?

Dick

It was instinct. I always forward porn when it's good.

Veronica

You are going to be so popular in Hell.