Karen, what do you think of Pierce?
KKaren
Well, I think there are pros and cons to every candidate, so we just need to weigh out the pros and cons.
AmyHave you been sent from the future to destroy me? 'Cause it's working! "I think that each candidate has merits and demerits, and I don't know my left buttcheek from my right buttcheek, but I believe in listening to both buttcheeks and then farting out my asshole mouth!" That's not even bullshit! Bullshitting takes talent; you have none! You are just a blah-blah-blah-blah bitch!
Okay, Amy, that is enough.
Amy
I have bitten my tongue so long, it looks like a dog's cushion. But no more! You have made it impossible to do this job. You have two settings—no decision and bad decision. I wouldn't let you run a bath without having the Coast Guard and the fire department standing by, but yet here you are running America. You are the worst thing that has happened to this country since food in buckets and maybe slavery! I've had enough. I'm gone.
[as Amy walks to the door] Well, I guess she's finished with her little... [Amy walks back to her] Oh, nope, look at that, there's more.
Amy
You have achieved nothing apart from one thing. The fact that you are a woman means we will have no more women presidents because we tried one and she fucking sucked. Goodbye, ma'am.
BMs. Bennett
Do you recall a document shared on the J-drive titled "the Jonad Files?"
Amy
No. That doesn't ring a bell.
BMs. Bennett
So it's not a word combining "Jonah" and "gonad?"
I can confirm that that is exactly what it is and Mr. Egan knows that.
In fact, Mr. Egan, I was told that you encouraged staffers to add to this glossary of abuse.
I do not at this moment in time recall the action nor the document in question.
Okay, maybe this will jog your memory. We have some extracts. "J-Rock, Jizzy Gillespie, Jack and the Giant Jackoff, Gaylien, Tinkerballs, Wadzilla, One Erection—"
Do we have to go through all of these?
WMr. Wallace
I'm not sure that I see the relevance.
The witnesses claim they held their former colleague in high regard and I am attempting to prove otherwise.
WMr. Wallace
Okay, yeah, sure. No, you can proceed.
"The Pointless Giant, The 60-Foot Virgin, Gimpanzee, Jonah Ono, Hagrid's Nutsack, Scrotum Pole, Transgenderformers, 12 Years a Slave to Jerking Off, Benedict Come In His Own Hand, Guyscraper, The Cloud Botherer, SupercalifragilisticexpialiDickCheese, Teenage Mutant Ninja Asshole, Spewbacca."
My college friends called me Tall McCartney. I preferred that, that's a good nickname.
KKaren
Oh, uh, he's gone to talk to the crowd at the rally.
Amy
Why would you let him do that?
KKaren
Well you don't work here.
Alright. Fuck all of you, I'm going to the rally.
[everyone starts to protest]
Ma'am, that would be unprecedented.
No, I'll tell you what's unprecedented, Kent: a tie is unprecedented! So's becoming the first lady president! So's that jack-off becoming president through the back-door! Okay, the rulebook's been torn up now, AND AMERICA IS WIPING ITS NASTY ASS WITH IT!!!
Amy
Never heard back from you. Late night?
Amy
What? No. Gross.
You didn't tell me she worked for CBS.
Amy
[laughs] Oh! Oh, this is too good. Dan, Sophie doesn't work for CBS. She works for CVS. You sold your dick for bulk iced tea and off-brand cough syrup. Don't worry. You're gonna look really cute in a blue vest.
[Selina has caught Andrew cheating on her]
I just can't believe I fell for it. Again!
Amy
Andrew is very hard to get rid of. He's like the herpes virus, or an unwanted child.
Well, in this case, he gave me both.
Amy
Ma'am, the president of Egypt is expecting your call at 3 pm.
Okay, send his mistress a gift. Maybe something from Niemann's. Oh, no, wait - any department store that wasn't started by Jews.
Amy
I will have to start one myself.
Now I'm gonna need a report on mineral rights in Sudan.
Amy
Okay.
And I have to find out, what's Qatari for "Morning after pill"?
It's probably "a stoning", which would also do the trick.
Amy
Leon West has Mike's diary.
Mike, what have you and your 47 tangled chromosomes done?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, ma'am. I should have gotten a diary with a little lock on it, but I didn't want to lock myself out.
How long have you known about this?
Amy
Since Alabama, but, to be fair, we thought we were on top of it.
Oh really? Well, now it's on top of you, it's knocked your teeth out, and it's making sweet love to your face!
Amy
Ma'am, I'm so sorry you lost your library. You know, last night, I dreamt that I removed Leon West's balls with an ice cream scoop, and I think I actually came.
Is everything always ice cream with you?
Amy
Just say the word, ma'am, and I will...
Amy, Amy. I leaked it to Leon.
Amy
Why? Why would you Kurt Cobain your own library?
Because, girlie, only former presidents have libraries. And I'm running for president.
[Selina opens the door to reveal her entire old team assembled in the living room]
Amy
You're... you're running again?!
The band is getting back together again!
[laughing] I get it, I'm Ringo.
No, Amy's Ringo. You're Mark David Chapman's bullet.
Amy
How is this even possible?
Tibet! Tibet! It's all Tibet! We are gonna ride that Dalai Lama like Mrs. Lama on book club night.
Amy
And what about Montez?
She's a Mexican who stole your job.
She did, in fact, steal my job.
Her numbers are under agua.
Amy
I can't believe this.
We're back! [to Amy] I do need to talk to you about your role. And, Mike, I need to talk to you about your role, too.
Listen, I don't know if I'm ready to be a daddy to anyone who's not a sexy boho jewelry maker struggling to pay off her college loans, y'know?
Amy
I appreciate the soul-searching.
But if you wanna go dutch on the abortion or something, just hit me up on Venmo. Oh, and make it public - shows I'm a gentleman.
APAbortion protester
Think of the innocent children!
Amy
Oh, you want me to think about the children, you hog-fingering fucks? Well, guess what? I did think about this. I considered it, and I cried, and, yeah, suck my cock, I even prayed a little. And here I am. So you can back the fuck off, you hypocritical cunts, before I show up to the piss puddle that is your house and protest your husband whacking it to your daughter's seventh grade yearbook! That sign's misspelled.
Veep · 381 quotes
