Amy Brookheimer quotes from Veep

Amy

Sorry to interrupt, um, there's been a shooting across the street.

Selina

Oh.

Amy

Yeah. Three people died, one of them was Emily Lafuente.

Selina

Emily Lafuente, the journalist? She was a vicious bitch and a fucking drunk. That's sad news.

Dan

[on phone, walking out] Yes, I've seen the numbers, Ken. I know that she's bleeding blue-collars. So we're gonna make her look fucking folksy in a London pub.

Mike

Wasn't it Oscar Wilde who said, "Dan's a fucking terrible campaign manager"?

Amy

I would like to shoot him, but there are no guns in this country.

Kent

[on phone] Amy, the emu has landed. Jonah's in London.

Amy

Shit. Maddox must've sent him here to spy or something. Jonah Bond, 00-Fuck-Off.

Amy

Okay, Thornhill knows how to throw a ball, Pierce may be a sitting fuck, but the main targets here are Maddox and Chung.

Ben

Well hit Chung with inexperience and Maddox with resignation; actual and general air of.

Amy

Yeah, I want their heads on my wall. Actual heads.

Furlong

God, I love this kind of talk; gets me aroused. [beat] Sorry, I meant "roused". [beat] No, did I mean—I meant "aroused"! Aroused.

Amy

Okay, let's rehearse the debate. Congressman Furlong, can you be Joe Thornhill?

Furlong

Let's see. I don't know anything about NAFTA, but I do know about baseball. Baseball, baseball, baseball, look at my muscly chest, vote for me.

Amy

Ben, you're Owen Pierce.

Ben

Well I'm a baby-faced, know-nothing Congressman from Shitstain, Nevada, who's got the newly dropped balls enough to think that I can run for President.

Amy

Kent, you are former SecDef Maddox.

Furlong

Don't do the voice, though.

Kent

I've only ever used this voice, even as a young child.

Amy

Okay. SecDef Maddox, where do you stand on crime?

Kent

Well right now I'm coming across pretty hardline, so I'll go soft to outflank Mr. Chung.

Mike

Oh, well, I'm the hip-hop governor of Minnesota, and I'm coming off as too soft, so I'll try to outhard SecDef Maddox.

They've got more flip-flops than the cast of Baywatch.

Mike

What? Oh, my God...

Well, maybe—I dunno if it's gonna be Baywatch. There's probably a more up-to-date reference we could...

Furlong

You know, son, you should only talk when someone pulls your string, okay? And even then, you just say "tickle me".

Amy

If Thornhill strayed once, there may be others. Maybe a crack whore if we're lucky.

Catherine

Call me naive, but isn't that unethical?

Amy

You're naive. Welcome to politics.

Amy

Jesus, that is a wicked twitch!

I can't watch this.

Furlong

Neither can she 'cause her fucking eyes don't work!

Amy

[on Thornhill] Listen to this idiot. They're not even soundbites, they're just sounds.

Dan

Yeah, but it works, though, that's the thing. I mean, he cornholed us in Iowa.

Ben

Well, that's appropriate. It's the Corn State.

Dan

Amy, I gotta say, you're doing a great job. Seriously, you do me better that I do me.

Amy

You do yourself a lot.

Amy

Uh, ma'am? Quincy Carter, the editor of the New Hampshire Globe, is here to speak with you.

Selina

Oh God, that Dickensian shit-stick?

Sue

The oath will take place tomorrow at 12:00 noon.

Selina

Yes.

Sue

You will then acquire the nuclear codes.

Ben

Goodbye, China.

Amy

Thornhill, Chung, and Maddox are continuing on for now.

Selina

Those fuckers. God, can't we just take 'em out? Is Jack Ruby still alive?

Selina

God, there's so many people in here. It's like a Mormon orgy.

Amy

The presidential staff is merging with our staff, ma'am, so...

Selina

Hey, where is this photo op, Amy?

Amy

It's at a factory that makes protective gear for firefighters.

Gary

I think that's great, ma'am. Everybody loves firefighters. Everybody wants to keep them safe.

Selina

Yeah, everybody wants to fuck 'em, too. God, I would love to fuck a firefighter. Hey, I'm the President. I can fuck anybody I want now, right?

Amy

All the other ones have.

Amy

Don't get too concerned about New Hampshire, ma'am.

Selina

I came in third, Amy. Okay? Even the Nazis came in second.

Furlong

I've read the speech, so my friends here—oh, sorry. Guys, this is the military–industrial complex. Military–industrial complex, these are the president's flying monkeys.

Amy

Is this about the submarine jobs?

Furlong

Ten fucking points to Elsa the Ice Queen!

Kent

Should we recalibrate our language, Roger?

Furlong

It's Congressman Furlong to you, Grey Elvis, and yes, this is about, specifically, nineteen hundred submarine jobs in my district that this announcement will torpedo!

Amy

The N620's are for a threat that doesn't exist! We may as well have an anti-unicorn strategy!

Mike

And they cost 50 billion dollars! 50 billion, and I'm gonna say dollars again, dollars!

Furlong

You think the whole sub is made in one place? Because the fin or whatever the fuck, it comes from one factory in one state, and then this little round fucking window comes from another place! Right, and the fuel rods are from Cheesedick, Wisconsin! We are going to lose votes and seats everywhere, so take the periscope out of your asses and look at the warhead of shit that's coming at you!

Ben

Hey, Dobby the House Elf, we've had enough. Just get out.

Furlong

Okay. Either way, bye-bye to the Families First bill because the lawmakers in these districts are gonna Vulcan death-grip you to fuck. [makes the Vulcan salute, then the middle finger] Live long and fuck off!