Selina Meyer quotes from Veep

Selina

I just can't believe I fell for it. Again!

Amy

Andrew is very hard to get rid of. He's like the herpes virus, or an unwanted child.

Selina

Well, in this case, he gave me both.

We're backing Professor Nikolai Genidze. He's a new voice for democracy in the region and would be a major victory for the Doyle Doctrine.

Selina

You have a doctrine now? What is it, "Boners are rare, don't waste them"?

Hey, did you think of that while you were walking on the beach with a metal detector, or however you fill your empty days?

Selina

That's nice.

Minna Häkkinen

Nikolai Genidze is the only hope for the Georgian people. He has the soul of a poet.

Selina

Yeah, well, that and a car with a sunroof could have bought you my virginity in '83.

Selina

You're just in the middle of what we Americans call a...

Minna Häkkinen

Difficult situation.

Selina

...fuck-fog.

Richard

Ma'am, I tried everyone on the finance committee...

Selina

Yeah?

Richard

...and they all said no.

Selina

All of them?

Richard

They all said no very fast.

Richard

The Judiciary Committee has asked you to send them everything you've ever written on abortion.

Selina

Well, I can give them my actual abortion if I can find it lying around here somewhere.

Richard

I'll check the freezer.

Mike

Whatever happened to Louise Kellogg?

Selina

Oh, God. I made Andrew can her slutty can. Then we just hired the least fuckable press secretary we could find.

Mike

Huh, that's actually right when I started working with you.

Gary

Oh my, look at those curtains! Where can I get those?

I made them from my husband's death shroud.

Selina

Oh... what a touching tribute, Nyaring.

No, it was a purposeful desecration of a man who beat and raped me.

Selina

Well, they go with everything.

Amy

Ma'am, the president of Egypt is expecting your call at 3 pm.

Selina

Okay, send his mistress a gift. Maybe something from Niemann's. Oh, no, wait - any department store that wasn't started by Jews.

Amy

I will have to start one myself.

Selina

Now I'm gonna need a report on mineral rights in Sudan.

Amy

Okay.

Selina

And I have to find out, what's Qatari for "Morning after pill"?

Gary

Oh, my God...

Selina

It's probably "a stoning", which would also do the trick.

Selina

Jesus Christ, underaged Muslim brides are less traumatized at their unveiling.

Gary

And even they don't have to drink Coke Zero.

Gary

I promise this party is gonna be so elegant.

Very New South.

Gary

Yes.

Selina

What does that mean? No butt-fucking Ned Beatty until the after party?

Amy

Leon West has Mike's diary.

Selina

What?!

Mike

Amy, you promised!

Selina

Mike, what have you and your 47 tangled chromosomes done?

Mike

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, ma'am. I should have gotten a diary with a little lock on it, but I didn't want to lock myself out.

Selina

How long have you known about this?

Amy

Since Alabama, but, to be fair, we thought we were on top of it.

Mike

We did, ma'am.

Selina

Oh really? Well, now it's on top of you, it's knocked your teeth out, and it's making sweet love to your face!

OK, so Lou wants to meet in Hong Kong to talk Brazil. You leave Friday.

Selina

That's so funny, because the lady who does my Brazilian is from Hong Kong.

Gary

It's Kismet.

Selina

I know, it really is, isn't it?

Gary

No, her name is Kismet.

Amy

Ma'am, I'm so sorry you lost your library. You know, last night, I dreamt that I removed Leon West's balls with an ice cream scoop, and I think I actually came.

Selina

Is everything always ice cream with you?

Amy

Just say the word, ma'am, and I will...

Selina

Amy, Amy. I leaked it to Leon.

Amy

Why? Why would you Kurt Cobain your own library?

Selina

Because, girlie, only former presidents have libraries. And I'm running for president.

Amy

You're... you're running again?!

Mike

The band is getting back together again!

Selina

Who cc'd Mike?

Mike

[laughing] I get it, I'm Ringo.

Dan

We need champagne!

Ben

No, Amy's Ringo. You're Mark David Chapman's bullet.

Amy

How is this even possible?

Selina

Tibet! Tibet! It's all Tibet! We are gonna ride that Dalai Lama like Mrs. Lama on book club night.

Amy

And what about Montez?

Ben

She's a Mexican who stole your job.

Selina

She did, in fact, steal my job.

Ben

Her numbers are under agua.

Amy

I can't believe this.

Selina

We're back! [to Amy] I do need to talk to you about your role. And, Mike, I need to talk to you about your role, too.

Mike

[oblivious] Sweet.

Selina

To Team Meyer.

Team Meyer!

Selina

Leon, I'm still not sure about this part, where I say, "I want to be president for all Americans". I mean, do I? All of them?

What about, "real Americans"?

Selina

Oh, yeah, that's good. And we can figure out what I mean later.