Selina Meyer quotes from Veep

Selina

Two wheelchair guys behind him? Like we didn't get the point with the first one?

Gary

I got it.

Selina

One wheelchair guy, shame on you. Two wheelchair guys, shame on me.

Marjorie

I'm sorry about Catherine, ma'am. She's suffering from post-partum depression.

Selina

How can you tell?

Gary

Well, the haircut...

Selina

God, I thought my 50s would be about fuckin’ and suckin’ my way through the Shorenstein Center.

Ben

You and me both, ma'am.

Selina

You know what I would love to tell people, but I obviously can't?

Gary

Well, say it here.

Selina

I should be president because it is my goddamn turn! I was the game-changer. I took a dump on the glass ceiling, and I shaved my muff in the sink of the old boys' club! But for three years, Hughes kept me chained to a radiator in some basement in Cleveland, so as far as I'm concerned, America owes me an eight-year stay in the White House. And this time, I want a war!

Dan

Ma'am, I ran a little intel, and apparently the secret to Felix Wade is to repeat the last two sentences that he says.

Selina

C'mon, that is idiotic! Is he really that insecure?

Gary

C'mon, that is idiotic! Is he really that insecure?

Selina

Right? Gary gets it.

Kent

Ma'am, we're scrapping tomorrow's schedule. You're making an appearance at the Iowa State Fair.

Ben

Block and tackle retail politics. Eat a few corn dogs...

Selina

Last thing I need is my picture being taken eating dick-shaped food. I'd rather eat a food-shaped dick.

Kent

"Man Up" continues to resonate in all four quadrants.

Selina

It's universal: Men hate women, women hate themselves.

Dan

Ma'am, the new anti-Kemi ad pieces came in. [hands her the ad]

Selina

What the tragic mulatto fuck! Kemi looks like an albino, and I'm so black people are gonna start calling me "articulate".

Selina

So, how's the turnout?

Ben

Well, much like my prostate, mostly black and much larger than we'd like.

Ben

Ma'am, I warned you, you cannot trust the Chinese. I've married enough of them to know that.

Selina

Isn't your wife Korean?

Ben

Maybe. Fog of war.

Selina

Okay Gary, you need to spend every dime in the space-based...

Kent

Faith-based.

Selina

Mmm-hmm. On religious shit, ASAP.

Gary

I don't know how to do that. I don't even know how it got in there.

Selina

Just give it to one of those gay-converting Baptist colleges to fund a statue of a gold-plated Jesus fucking a Triceratops.

Kent

It's basically a two-woman race to see who is less offensive to the American people.

Selina

That's the best explanation of democracy I've ever heard.

Selina

My Nobel Prize really makes the point that I've got way more foreign policy experience than that half-wit Kemi.

Ben

I think it's pronounced half-white.

Selina

Eh, tomato, mulatto.

Kent

Ma'am, the White House refuses to get involved in your situation.

Selina

What?

Kent

Although, publicly, Montez has claimed to be considering all options.

Ben

Privately, I hear she's been doing impressions of you getting broomsticked in prison.

So, what did I miss? Did President Meyer find a way to steal the nomination from me like she stole South Carolina?

Selina

Stealing South Carolina is the bedrock of our political system, Senator.

Oh, well, there it is - the casual Meyer attitude toward criminal enterprise, just like her husband.

Gary

Ex-husband.

Jonah

Step-husband.

Selina

You know, if you can't figure out how to steal South Carolina, you have no business being president.