Selina Meyer quotes from Veep

Ben

I've just been kibitzing with the Qatari ambassador, Mohammed bin Nasser bin Khalifa Al Jaffar.

Selina

Please don't have him sign the guest book.

Ben

Yeah, he comes bringing a message from China.

Selina

Why would China go through Qatar?

Ben

Qataris love to insert themselves. They're wet-fingered.

Selina

They're into ass play?

Ben

No, they have a gift for sensing prevailing political winds.

Selina

I'll bet they're into ass play, too.

Ben

Ma'am, you cannot bail out Charlie Baird's bank.

Selina

Why not?

Ben

'Cause that's gonna look like you care more about your boyfriend than you do the economy, normal people, and everything else you're supposed to care about.

Kent

AIDS, for example.

Ben

Thanks, Kent's autism.

Selina

What would you guys do if you had to choose between your cock and your balls?

Ben

I could lose them both. I mean, at this stage they're purely decorative.

Mike

Ma'am, I'm getting a lot of press interest about Catherine and, y'know, her condition...

Selina

What? She's a lesbian, Mike, she's not a werewolf. Though either one would explain why she never shaves her legs.

Selina

How stupid are you, you motherfucking snake? I know all about your meeting with Marwood and Purcell; I know all about how you're trying to fuck me with that abstinence program of yours. Underneath this whole honorable, decent, wholesome, boy scout crap of yours, I know exactly who you are.

Tom James

Oh, you do.

Selina

Yes, I do.

Tom James

Oh, so I don't have to explain that I am not someone who would piss away my presidency on a bunch of half-assed decisions...

Selina

What?

Tom James

...and, by the way, by messing around with that pretty-boy Charlie Baird, for God's sake!

Selina

What? Charlie Baird? What does Charlie Baird have to do with any of this?

Tom James

I...I don't know, he's got nothing to do with it. What is he...

Selina

You're such a liar! You're such a liar! Why did you even join my ticket in the first place?

Tom James

Because I happen to believe in something called public service.

Selina

Oh, bullshit!

Tom James

Okay, well then, I've got no...

Selina

I'll tell you why! Because you wanted to be a step closer to the presidency and to me. You wanted it so bad, you could taste it.

Tom James

This is unbelievable. Please...

Selina

You are lying now just like you lied back then, just like you lied about that night in the cab with the green shoes!

Tom James

Oh...well, now I got no idea what you're talking about.

Selina

You know exactly what I'm talking about. You remembered the green shoes that night, but not the fact that you wanted to fuck me? Come on. Come on! No straight man remembers a woman's shoes.

Tom James

Well, you got me. I'm gay. So...

Selina

Just admit it! Just say the truth for once in your life. Come on, Tom. You wanted to fuck me that night, just say it!

Tom James

Will you stop it?!

Selina

Just say you wanted to fuck my brains out!

Tom James

Alright, I wanted to fuck your brains out!

Selina

There you go. And now you're trying to fuck me tonight!

Tom James

No, I am fucking you tonight!

Selina

No, I'm gonna fuck you!

Selina

If you think you're getting those worthless toy boats by now, I'm gonna shut down those factories faster than you can bedazzle a fucking sweatshirt.

Let's cut the shit, Selina.

Selina

Oh, here it is.

All roads go through Colorado, and the toll just went up.

Selina

You're playing a very dangerous game of chicken with the head fucking hen, cause if I don't win the White House, O'Brien is going to sink your stupid little boats. Then you're going to look like a hair-sprayed asshole in your 1980's-mother-of-the-bride dress. And if I do win, I will have my administration come to your shitty little district and shake it to death like a Guatemalan nanny. Then, I will have the IRS crawl so far up your husband's colon, he's gonna wish the only thing they find is more cancer.

Good God.

[gulps] You can count on my vote.

Selina

I think I want to hear an 'Okey dokey, Annie Oakley'.

Okey dokey, Annie Oakley.

Selina

Oh, super duper, Trooper. Now get the fuck out of here, congresswoman.

Selina

Catherine and Marjorie, can you gals go outside and get some wood to start a fire?

Marjorie

Ma'am, your daughter's dazzling eyes can start a fire themselves.

Selina

Well, that's terrifying.

Selina

Are the Chinese here yet?

Ben

Delayed on the road, ma'am. Presumably driving slowly and not using their signals.

Selina

All right, here we go, Alabama. First in the alphabet, last in every other fuckin' thing.

Ben

I believe it's number one in "easiest state to get away with murdering a black guy."

Ben

We're hanging on by a thread, but if everyone votes the way we think they're gonna vote, we'll win.

Selina

Yeah, that's the least reassuring sentence I've heard since "It's okay, it's just the tip."

Mike

Any chance Catherine and Marjorie want to get married? There you go, first White House lesbian wedding. That'll put you in the history books.

Selina

Oh God. I can't take that much acoustic guitar.

Tom James

Vice President, take it or leave it.

Selina

I wouldn't be your veep if there were a grassy knoll full of Jodie Foster fans in the front row at your inauguration.

Tom James

That's a "leave it."

Selina

How could you, Andrew? I offered you Secretary of State.

Please, you offered that to everybody in town.

Selina

Your head is so far up Montez's ass, next time it's Alejandro's birthday, he's gonna come all over your face

Selina

I was so sorry to hear about Uber.

Ben

Bunch of dumbass millennials. Too lazy to learn how to drive drunk.

Gary

How is an ex-president's ex moving back in with her going to go over in small town America?

Selina

Unlike small town America, Andrew fucks me in a way I really enjoy.