Amanda Tanen quotes from Ugly Betty

Amanda

Hey, what's different about you? You get your hair cut?

Betty

I'm wearing an eyepatch.

Amanda

You didn't always have that?

Amanda

I haven't gained that much weight. You can't even notice. [leans over the desk to answer the phone as Wilhelmina walks in]

Wilhelmina

Morning, Marc, Betty.

Amanda

[about Fey] I just stare at her picture all day and then I stare at myself in the mirror.

Marc

More than usual?

Amanda

Yeah.

Amanda

Suddenly I'm a caregiver. That is so not who I am.

Marc

It's true. You're a bit of a monster on the inside.

Amanda

Those are the DNA results.

Daniel

So... um, how many times you think we...

Amanda

A lot... But just remember: if your dad's DNA does match mine, we're only half brother and sister, which means if we did it like twenty times, it was only wrong ten.

Daniel

Okay, that actually made sense to me... Oh, my God. You are so my sister!

Marc

What year were you born?

Amanda

1991.

Marc

You're 16?

Amanda

1992.

Marc

Other way.

Amanda

You and him?

Marc

Why not? He's a 9, I'm an 8.

Amanda

He's a 10, you're a 6.

Marc

You're a bitch, I'm a 7!

Marc

Have you seen Cliff yet?

Amanda

Don't worry. Your wide-load lover will be here any minute.

Marc

Amanda, don't joke. I'm freaking out! I am debuting him today as my boyfriend and I have no idea what's gonna walk through that door.

Amanda

Sweetie, relax. He can't fit through those doors.

Marc

Aw, are you playing "Papa Can You Hear Me" again?

Amanda

I'm just spending some quality time with my dads. Today I'm feeling particularly close to Jimmy "Jay Jay" Walker. Dynamite.

Amanda

[to Betty] You must be so excited to be honored by the Big Lesbian Order of Bloggers.

Marc

Amanda, I already told you. That's not what BLOB stands for. It stands for Big, Lumpy, Obese Bloggers.

Marc

Mandy, why did I just see Helen in the closet reading a four-year-old Marie Claire and wiping Cheeto dust off of her fingers with a vintage Prada shift?!

Amanda

Marc, I tried to fire her, but I couldn't. And I knew if Willie saw her—

Marc

What happens when she asks about a paycheck?

Amanda

Oh, I give her Meade money. [pulls out fake bills with Daniel's face on them]

Marc

Mandy, a fake job and a fake paycheck aren't helping Helen any. And trust me, no good ever came from keeping someone in the closet.

Amanda

Okay, you just got really deep.

Marc

I know, and now I have a headache.

Betty

I could take Hilda horseback riding for her bachelorette party.

Amanda

Or better yet, naked horseback riding. You're welcome.

Betty

Gross. And, ow!

Amanda

Well, I'm out of ideas then.

Betty

Well, all of your ideas involve nudity.

Amanda

You're welcome.

Betty

Stop saying that.

Marc

Oh, my God, I totally forgot I have that boyfriend, Trey.

Amanda

Troy.

Marc

I like Trey better. Or Trevor. We'll talk about it. I'm sure he'll want to weigh in.

Amanda

Christina, you know what's really weird? You're, like, a big, fancy designer in London, and I'm a big-shot stylist in New York.

Christina

You're a stylist now?

Amanda

Well, not in the sense that I have any clients, but I do get to combine all of my favorite interests: criticizing people, shopping, and promoting world thinness.

Amanda

Here are the earrings that I promised Hilda for her wedding. And here are the diet pills. I want her skinny as a beautiful corpse when your Papi helps her down the aisle.

Betty

Thank you. And since you've been so helpful, Hilda says you should bring a plus one. Some of our family can't come.

Amanda

They got deported?