Berg quotes from Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place

Berg

She knows.

Pete

She does?

Berg

Act dumb.

Pete

"We are dumb.

Sharon

Are you guys nuts?

Berg

I'm nuts...this is my partner, pretzels.

Pete

What seems to be the problem, ma'am?

Berg

So what am I supposed to do?

Sharon

Yeah, Pete, I hope you and Melissa really gave some thought to how this is gonna affect Berg.

Berg

No, what am I supposed to do when I see her? Around the neighbourhood or at the pizza place. Do I like... hide behind a mailbox? Do I say 'Hello'? Do I try to trip her?

Pete

You say 'Hi' to her you big dummy. When she comes in to the pizza place you treat her like everybody else.

Sharon

Yeah, you just screw up her order and give her the wrong change.

Sharon

I'm leaning towards Max Larson.

Berg

No way! He lives with his mother and drives a van with no windows.

Sharon

So? He likes his privacy.

Berg

Yes, because he's a serial killer!

Berg

I have a dream...a dream where women are free to roam all fields, not just right...but center, left, and yes -- even shortshop.

Sharon

Even pitcher?

Berg

Sorry, kitten -- that's man's work.

Pete

Who are you to tell me what I need?

Berg

I'm your doctor.

Pete

You're not well enough to be anyone's doctor.

Pete

Where do I meet this rebound girl?

Berg

I don't know. Sharon, where do guys meet you?

Berg

(to Pete) Where you going?

Pete

To the psychiatric ward. To find out why I'm friends with you.

Pete

Berg, what are we gonna do with two women that we've picked up in a bar?

Berg

Don't make me get my anatomy book.

Berg

I think I really like her.

Pete

Why, because she doesn't fall at your feet?

Berg

And what is up with that?!?

I wouldn't miss it for anything.

Berg

Well, what if both of your legs were caught in a bear trap and...you had a cold?

I'd chew myself free and take a decongestant.

Berg

I love a girl with a plan.

Pete

Berg, I'm 24. Why did you make me 30?

Berg

You get better presents.

Pete

I don't want to be 30.

Berg

Act your age.

Pete

You're jealous, but listen buddy, I'm always gonna be Pete, you're always gonna be Berg, and we're always gonna be Pete-n-Berg.

Berg

Shut up! You've gotta believe me! Molly's like...girlfriend of the corn!

Berg

Molly has...how can I put this...horrifying scary evil violent side!

Pete

I see...that must be why she baked you muffins this morning!

Pete

I've known this woman for five months now and Berg thinks he can just waltz right in there and close the deal.

Berg

I object! Close the deal? I would like to apologise for his attitude towards women.

Sharon

Right. This coming from a guy with a VIP card at 'Topless, Topless, Topless'.

Berg

They have an excellent wine list.

Berg

This is an interesting brush stroke. What do you use?

My naked body.

Berg

Really? Because we need our apartment painted.