What if he [Jake] comes back? Maybe I should go.
Or we could, uh, go upstairs and get in bed.
Bed? Our old bed?
My new bed.
What was wrong with the old one?
Too many memories.
Of what? You pretending to sleep and me watching Letterman?
S3 E3Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark
S3 E4Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs
What are you doing?
Masticating.
What?
Don't worry, it doesn't mean what you think.
What do you think I think?
Jake [smiling]: You know...
Do you mind if I take your room?
My room? Gee, I, I--
Trust me, you want me to have a room with a private crapper.
Incredible! I've been living here for two years, and you still consider me a houseguest.
No, my houseguests bring a bottle of wine and have sex with me.
Oh, I'm sorry, I'll go get some Chardonnay and assume the position.
Hey, don't be letting your mouth write checks your ass can't cash.
You know what the pecking order is in this house? Charlie, women Charlie sleeps with, Charlie's bookie, women Charlie hopes to sleep with, termites, me!
Well, that's just not right.
Yeah, but what am I supposed to do? I-I-I can't really afford my own place. I mean, I could, but it certainly wouldn't be on the beach, unless the beach was Guadalcanal.
It's a shame, you paying all that money for an ex-wife and an ex-wife's house, and you're not allowed inside either one.
Oh, this looks interesting: "Two-bedroom, needs work, up-and-coming neighborhood." Wh-- what does that mean, uh, "up-and-coming neighborhood"?
It means the realtor couldn't move the house saying "drug-ravaged battlefield".
You know, I-- I'd rather be a second-class citizen here in paradise than king of a urine-soaked firetrap next to Burbank Airport!
S3 E5We Called It Mr. Pinky
I'm gonna tell you something that'll serve you well for your entire life.
Like when you're peeing outside, always face downwind?
Better. By the way, what the hell were you thinking?
I was thinking, "Boy, I hope that's really warm rain."
Say what you want about me, but at least I've never chosen to have women in my life who do nothing but mistreat me.
Berta [walking into the kitchen]: Hey, stud, I don't know what kind of sick, twisted party you had in your bedroom the last couple of days, but I sure as hell ain't cleaning it up! [leaves; Alan stares at Charlie]
That is different. Way different.
Are you aware that I'm a misogynist?
Really? I raised you Episcopalian.
This isn't funny! My anger and mistrust towards women starts with you, which wasn't a problem until it spilled over into my sex life.
So, you're blaming Mummy because Little Charlie can't come out and play?
OK, first of all, we don't call it "Little Charlie"!
What do we call it, darling?
We don't call it anything!
Well, when you were a baby, we called it "Mr. Pinky".
I may never have sex again.
Oh, wait a sec, Mr. Pinky was the cat. What did we call your penis?
[Jake made cupcakes for Alan and Charlie]
It's, uh, it's very tasty. What, uh, what prompted this?
I figured out I don't need a girlfriend. If I want a cupcake, I just make it myself.
Taking matters into his own hands. The metaphor is now complete.
Anybody want to lick the beater?
ACAlan and Charlie
No.
S3 E6Hi, Mr. Horned One
Isabella, I hate to be a fuddy-duddy, but we try to keep the house smoke-free.
I'm sorry. [she puts her cigarette out in Jake's cereal] Charlie didn't say anything when I was smoking in bed last night.
Yeah, well, Charlie's lungs aren't always on the same page as his penis.
Alan [on the phone]: I-- I don't think so, Mom. First of all, I-- I'm just not a big fan of costume parties. Yeah, Jake likes The Wizard of Oz, but I-- I just don't think he'd enjoy hanging out with a bunch of drunken real estate agents dressed like Judy Garland. [pause] Oh, OK, I'll get him. [to Charlie]: Mom wants to ask you something.
Charlie [on the phone]: Hi, Mom, no! [hangs up]
Do you have any idea what Isabella is really into?
So she's a little kinky!
No, no, no. "Kinky" is a feather duster up your butt. I think this woman tried to put a curse on me.
Oh, please, who of us hasn't done that? To know you is to curse you.
Did you really think that you could just end this?
I was kinda hoping.
Dont you realize that our souls are now bound together destined to writhe ecstatically in blessed hellfire for all eternity?
[to Alan] Boy, I know how to pick 'em, don't I?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.