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A character in Top Gear

Richard Hammond quotes from Top Gear

Played by Richard Hammond · 628 quotes · page 41 of 42

Richard Hammond

Played by Richard Hammond

Top Gear · 1,774 quotes

2nd most-quoted character in Top Gear: in 628 of its 1,774 quotes
Most scenes with: Jeremy Clarkson (406), James May (261)

Scenes with Richard Hammond 464

Not again. Hammond, why do you like it in America so much? Every nice piece of road has an 8mph speed limit on it.

Richard

I don't know, don't ask me, it's not my fault.

Yes, it is. I mean, what are we going to hit? What are we going to hit here? There's nothing. No wildlife, no people. This is stupid. It's stupid!

[voiceover] Eventually, though, the 35mph hour limit ended, and thanks to some trickery in the edit, we were able to take our cars up to a dizzying 55mph.

I haven't been on a night bus since the late '80s, but when I did, it wasn't like this.

Richard

I was envisaging a sea of sick, sloshing from side to side.

[On the Peugeot Onyx concept car shown in the studio]

It looks absolutely fantastic and you'll notice that some of the bodywork is made from copper. Just like the boiler tubes on a Gresley A4 Streamliner Pacific Locomotive.

[hurriedly] Yes, James, yes, yes.

And it's actually untreated copper so over time, it'll turn green … unless a scrap metal merchant removes it in the night.

Richard

Inside they've continued the theme of using unusual materials, so the dashboard is made out of recycled newspaper. I'm guessing they'll have used the Guardian for everything on the left and the Telegraph for everything on the right. Actually the newspaper is good because it means there is no need to Bluetooth your phone to it; The dashboard will already have listened to your messages for you.

[While working on the Rover James, a car made exclusively for the elderly people, Jeremy shows off his modified speedometer]

Richard

Brilliant — so it only reads 20 even if they're doing 80 miles an hour.

[correcting Richard] 115. [imitating an old woman] "I'm only doing 17 miles an hour," so they're happy. The people stuck behind, whose wives are in labour and they have meetings to get to, they're happy. Everybody wins.

[voice over] I was also rather proud of my old-people-friendly rear fog light.

This will be mounted in the car, this is the switch. So as soon as it starts a little bit of light drizzle, the elderly person turns on the rear fog light and then what happens round the back is… absolutely nothing at all.

[voice over] Hammond softened the suspension and I installed a pet cage.

Richard

A cat bolted to the roof?

I'm not bolting the cat, I'm bolting the cat cage to the roof and then it'll be up here and I won't get asthma.

[While driving Rover James]

Now, listen, I've got a couple of questions for you. First of all, this. [making squeaking noise]

Richard

Yeah. Underneath the brake pedal, I've fitted one of these, [holding up a squeaky rubber ball] so you know which pedal you're hitting.

Oh, I see! So there's no chance of unintended acceleration.

Richard

Yeah, that's a big problem solved.

Am I pushing the right pedal? [squeaking noise] Yes, I am! There's an audible reminder! That's brilliant!

Richard

Not only that, but the nature of the noise…

Yes, it's funny. When it comes to cadence braking… [rapid squeaking noise heard]

Richard

Oh, that is lovely!

…'cause a cadence-braking situation is a panic situation —

Richard

Yeah, it's bad.

— but that sprinkles some comedy into it.

[While playing bingo]

Richard

I've never concentrated so hard in my life.

CCaller

Two and eight, 28.

Oh! I'm literally wetting myself!

CCaller

One and five, 15.

It's coming out!

CCaller

All the sixes, 66.

Oh! Say 86!

CCaller

Six and five, 65.

Oh, boll —!

[While trying to get an elderly woman into the high seat chair of the Rover James]

Richard

See, in the advert for the chairs, we were told they were very easy to get into and out of, you know.

EWElderly woman

Get me bottom round.

Shall we get a nurse to do this?

EWElderly woman

No, I'll do it if it kills me!

Richard

Well, we'd rather it didn't!

I was going to say —

Richard

There's a lot of paperwork.

EWElderly woman

I'm so sorry.

Richard

Can I help at all?

[She finally manages to get in properly]

Well done, with both our dignity nearly intact!

[During The News, Jeremy announces that he has been cycling]

Richard

I don't believe you, and I think this has become a new mystery. It's like a yeti. So if maybe somebody's seen him, if you have seen Jeremy on his bicycle, write to us, please, at "Help, I've Burst From Laughing, Top Gear, Wood Lane, wherever". I don't believe you.

I'm going to ride down here — No, I'm not going to ride down here next week. That's idiotic. I barely ride to the paper shop.

Richard

I'm thinking that would be an epic test. (James) in that Ferrari, (Jeremy) in the McLaren, me in that Zonda.

Anybody want to see that?

AAudience

Yeah!

Richard

So do I. I want to do that.

Let's see if we can put that together.

Richard

Yeah, I want to do that.

[After eating Jeremy's cooking]

£70,000 will buy a cook.

Richard

Would it interfere with this debate if I was suddenly and violently sick?

[After part 1 of the Hovervan segment was shown, in which the van sank in a reservoir]

Well, that was a complete catastrophe and it was all Hammond's fault.

Richard

How was it my fault?

Because, as predicted, those engines weren't powerful enough.

Richard

No, the problem was, and I never thought I'd say this, James's skirt was too small. [laughter]

No, no, I'm not having that, there was nothing wrong with my skirt. The problem was that (Jeremy) just charged into the water, as usual, like an imbecile.

[On the Ford EcoSport]

Well, hang on, that's not going to work. Because we know the voice recognition in cars is rubbish. It never works, does it? So, if you just say, "The Police", it will probably actually ring the police.

No, it will! It will, it will! Because this car's got a feature on it that if you have an accident or get into problems, it calls the emergency services for you.

Richard

Well, that's just a recipe for disaster.

You'll be sitting there going, "Right, get the fire brigade," and it would play The Move! [singing] "Get the fire brigade, get the fire brigade —"

Richard

"Oh, I'm in trouble, help!" [singing] "I need somebody, help!" What a terrible way to die, trapped in your car, listening to all the embarrassing rubbish on your iPod.

[Comparing the larger Range Rover with the smaller Range Rover Sport]

This is bigger, and bigger, as we know, is always better than smaller.

Richard

Well, not always, not in … Not in bruises, it's not.

Not bruises, no. Premium Bond wins.

Richard

Heart attacks.

Erm … Fireworks.

Richard

Unexpected bills.

Ladies, can you think of anything which is better when it's bigger than smaller? [laughter]

[After the Supermarket Sweep with classic hothatches challenge, Jeremy's car needed repairs]

Yes, the handling characteristics were affected by a small accident last night with some beef stew.

Richard

Oh, dear.

I hit the bottom of the wheel and it's gone in. But you can solve it — [hitting the wheel bracket with a hammer]

Richard

Yes, I've seen that done. Most F1 teams do something similar. [laughs]

S21 E1 February 2nd, 2014
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