2nd most-quoted character in Top Gear: in 628 of its 1,774 quotesJeremy Clarkson (406), James May (261)
Scenes with Richard Hammond 464
[While being chased by the Top Gear Police Department for a challenge]
Recent figures say that in London, 12 police cars are crashed every day. And the reason is, it's because they are driving in high-energy difficult situations while under the influence … of the moustache.
Richard [chasing Jeremy in a police car] Got a moustache, got a moustache, got a moustache. [fails to corner several scenes later]
Oh, he's lost it! Totally distracted by his face decoration.
[While introducing the McLaren P1 film]
Richard Now, this is the brand-new £866,000 McLaren P1, probably the most advanced and jaw-dropping car the world has ever seen.
Hmm. The attention to detail in this thing boggles the mind. It is … It's almost science fiction. And so, there was only one place on Earth where I could test it properly. Belgium. [laughter]
[On Richard siding the Porsche 918 vs. Jeremy siding the McLaren P1]
Hammond, I'll do you a deal. If the Porsche is faster round our track than this, I will change my name, by deed poll, to Jennifer.
Richard Really?
Richard Promise?
[During the opening sequence]
Tonight, I eat a cabbage, James throws a bird out of a car and Richard forgets the abbreviation for America.
Richard USB.
Richard [quoting The Charge of the Light Brigade by Alfred, Lord Tennyson] "Theirs not to make reply, Theirs not to reason why, Theirs but to do and die."
"Into the valley of Death rode the six hundred."
Richard And that is the valley.
That is where the Charge of the Light Brigade actually happened.
[During the opening sequence]
Tonight, I sit on a rock, James gets something in his eye.
And Richard says, "Mummy!".
Richard Oh, Mummy!
[After The Stig gets in a Nissan GT-R to pull tablecloth off a table]
Richard Hold on a minute.
Richard So you are saying, he is going to drive across our darkened studio, peering through his darkened visor?
Richard Is this how this Stig dies? [laughter]
No, he hasn't. Right, is he ready?
I can guarantee that won't stop the Mini. Partly because it's not substantial enough, but mostly because you've built that in front of that slope, and the Mini... is coming down that one. [pointing to the other ski slope] .
Richard Right.
[Jeremy and James collapse laughing]
Richard Righto.
Richard I'll make some adjustments.
Richard [shouting] NO!! Obviously!! Or I'd have built it over there!!
[Jeremy and James continue to laugh]
Richard That is fairly embarrassing. What I need... is a big machine.
[While playing a game of ice hockey]
Richard I can't believe I got sin binned, for what?
Go on ITV, and you get sin binned. It's that simple.
Richard [voiceover] With me shackled, Prime Time bought the scores to 5-4.
Richard Oh, come on, ref!
Hammond, you may rejoin...
[Hammond drives a few feet forward]
...and that's the end of the game, everybody!
[on rocketing a Mini down a ski slope]
This has never been done before.
Richard No. We are, in fact, at the cutting edge of cocking about!
[at the Cold Weather Training Centre in the Austrian Alps]
D Doctor
Should we go straight to the frozen penis?
[An image of a frostbitten penis is shown on screen, the three react in horror]
D Doctor
He'd been walking with it hanging out of his trousers.
Richard How do you walk with your willy hanging out?
D Doctor
Which comes down to organisation and teamwork.
Richard Well, it's more than disorganised!
It's a good job he didn't do it on the London Underground -- he'd be arrested for permanently getting on public transport with it hanging out...
[Richard is helping a dog out of it's harness]
Richard In the meantime, we'd cleared Bathurst Island. But the brutal pace was starting to fray my temper.
[he hands Matty the harness]
M Matty
Thanks. Did you want to see if it fits? We need a new lead dog...
Richard [menacingly] Well, you could try, but there's nobody else here, and I have a shovel. I wouldn't.
[at the Cold Weather Training Centre in the Austrian Alps: after the Special Forces soldier pushes Jeremy through the ice]
SF Special Forces Soldier with the pixellated face
That's it. Pull your self out. Pull yourself out! Come on! Put some effort in! Don't stay there all day! Drop the poles!
[confused] How dare you...
SF Special Forces Soldier
Hands above your head, hands above your head! HANDS ABOVE YOUR HEAD! Okay, roll in the snow, roll in the snow! ROLL IN THE SNOW!
[Jeremy does so]
Richard Roll in the snow, Jeremy. That will make you much better, rather than a big pink fluffy towel.
Richard That looked awful.
Richard Do you know what though, I like to think of us as a unit on Top Gear, and as a unit we've done that test.
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Top Gear · 1,774 quotes
Richard
