[During the opening sequence]
Tonight, I hold up a jar, James points at a hill, and Richard eats a sandwich.
“February 24th, 2013” · Season 19, Episode 5
In this episode: Jeremy Clarkson (6), Richard Hammond (5)
[While working on the Rover James, a car made exclusively for the elderly people, Jeremy shows off his modified speedometer]
Brilliant — so it only reads 20 even if they're doing 80 miles an hour.
[correcting Richard] 115. [imitating an old woman] "I'm only doing 17 miles an hour," so they're happy. The people stuck behind, whose wives are in labour and they have meetings to get to, they're happy. Everybody wins.
[voice over] I was also rather proud of my old-people-friendly rear fog light.
This will be mounted in the car, this is the switch. So as soon as it starts a little bit of light drizzle, the elderly person turns on the rear fog light and then what happens round the back is… absolutely nothing at all.
[voice over] Hammond softened the suspension and I installed a pet cage.
A cat bolted to the roof?
I'm not bolting the cat, I'm bolting the cat cage to the roof and then it'll be up here and I won't get asthma.
[While driving Rover James]
Now, listen, I've got a couple of questions for you. First of all, this. [making squeaking noise]
Yeah. Underneath the brake pedal, I've fitted one of these, [holding up a squeaky rubber ball] so you know which pedal you're hitting.
Oh, I see! So there's no chance of unintended acceleration.
Yeah, that's a big problem solved.
Am I pushing the right pedal? [squeaking noise] Yes, I am! There's an audible reminder! That's brilliant!
Not only that, but the nature of the noise…
Yes, it's funny. When it comes to cadence braking… [rapid squeaking noise heard]
Oh, that is lovely!
…'cause a cadence-braking situation is a panic situation —
Yeah, it's bad.
— but that sprinkles some comedy into it.
[While playing bingo]
I've never concentrated so hard in my life.
CCaller
Two and eight, 28.
Oh! I'm literally wetting myself!
CCaller
One and five, 15.
It's coming out!
CCaller
All the sixes, 66.
Oh! Say 86!
CCaller
Six and five, 65.
Oh, boll —!
[While trying to get an elderly woman into the high seat chair of the Rover James]
See, in the advert for the chairs, we were told they were very easy to get into and out of, you know.
EWElderly woman
Get me bottom round.
Shall we get a nurse to do this?
EWElderly woman
No, I'll do it if it kills me!
Well, we'd rather it didn't!
I was going to say —
There's a lot of paperwork.
EWElderly woman
I'm so sorry.
Can I help at all?
[She finally manages to get in properly]
Well done, with both our dignity nearly intact!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Top Gear pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.