RERailway Executive
[shouting over the noise] How do we communicate in an emergency?
PPassenger
You've got to shout!
RERailway Executive
[louder] Is there a communication cord to stop the train?
RichardYes, yes, yes.
Richard
I'm going to check it, as I'm about to ask the driver, Mr. May, to slow down a little bit, just while we're serving the drinks.
[Richard proceeds to open the front window]
Richard
[shouting] James! JAMES!
[over the PA system] Ladies and gentlemen, please brace yourselves. The incompetent steward is about to pour tepid coffee into your crotch.
Richard
[over the PA system] For Christ's sake, James! Stop making ####### announcements! That's my job! I'm the steward! You drive, I steward!
It's my train, and the driver makes the bleeding announcements! That's the way it is!
[as Richard and James extinguish the Buffet Car fire in a rail yard]
Richard
Listen, if you ignore the fire, and the fact that we didn't get where we wanted to go, it was incredibly noisy, and the fact that all the passengers have run away...
Apart from that, it was a resounding success.
Richard
Yeah, I think we can only judge it as a success. It worked as a train. We came up with something new and unique and brilliant.
Well, I think as a concept it is...
Richard
Oh, hello. [waves to approaching train]
[waves, continues] It's quite nice. But the fact is...
[the train passes by and destroys the Scum Class car]
Hammond, I suspect the driving position has got you in mind in a Scorpion.
Richard
Is that what this is?
Yeah. £30,000. That's what it costs.
Richard
[climbing into the Scorpion] Already, I'm seeing buildings just fall down of their own free will.
[All three laugh]
Didn't James Blunt use one of these in Kosovo?
Richard
[from inside the Scorpion] It's got pedals! There are pedals.
I thought he had a guitar.
[Jeremy and James checks out a tank next to the Scorpion]
Yeah, the Stormer. Now, come on.
Richard
Stormer! That's a good name.
£20,000. So this, or a Ford Focus.
[Jeremy Clarkson decides to try using explosives to speed up the demolition of one of the houses they've gone to demolish]
[The explosives are detonated, there is a lot of smoke and dust, but all that falls is the door of the house which is otherwise intact]
Richard
(a la Michael Caine) You only blown the bloody door off!
Has anyone here seen the theory test? Anybody?
You have? Because most people of our age haven't, and none of the questions have got anything to do, as far as I can work out with driving. Now let me - can I give you some examples? [looks briefly at Hammond] You can answer this. "An elderly person... [gestures to himself] An elderly person's ability could be affected because they may be unable to...?"
Richard
Eat toffees.
Get an erection. [laughter]
Richard
[looks at Jeremy's jeans] Wear jeans! [laughter]
Funny. "Where's the safest place to park your vehicle at night?"
In a police station. [laughter]
Right, we've got a picture here. We'll bring up this picture. [screen shows school keep clear markings] Right. When - This is a real question, OK? "You must not stop on these road markings because you may obstruct... what?" [laughter]
Richard
Landing aircraft!
I mean, seriously, that is a question. He's managed to fail 92 times on that one.
Richard
Those are not questions to pass your driving. Do any of them say, for instance, can you drive a car?
No, no. I'm in the book now. This is what you buy your teenage child when they're learning to drive. "At an incident, a small child is not breathing. To restore normal breathing, you should breathe into their mouth, A sharply, B gently, C heavily, D tenderly?" [laughter]
It doesn't say "tenderly"!
I made "tenderly" up. Nothing to do with driving!
I bring all this up, OK, because when did it happen that somebody decided that driving was so unbelievably hard, you can't do it while doing something else? You know like listening to Ken Bruce's pop master, or talking on the phone. Honestly, I can't think of anything that I couldn't do while driving... apart from reading a broadsheet newspaper. I wouldn't be able to do that.
Richard
Sawing a piece of wood.
Richard
You can't, you'd need to hold your wood -- [making sawing movement]
No, no, you put it between your legs. You can still operate the pedals. You could saw.
Richard
Um, sewing on a button. You need both hands to really do this fiddly --
Richard
You could not!
Richard
You know you can't sew on a button with a hammer?
I know how to sew. Actually, while we're on the subject, did you see that case recently... a woman who was stopped by the police after they caught her driving down a motorway while... causing herself to have pleasure. [laughter]
I bet you can't drive in a sleeping bag. [laughter] Actually, I'm not sure. Actually, I'm going to take that back. I think you could drive in a sleeping bag if you, if you...
Richard
You couldn't drive in a sleeping bag.
I bet you - I bet I could.
Richard
You can't!
I bet I could drive in a sleeping bag.
Right, there you go. Right, you're on! Some time this week, before next week's show, I'll take you on round the track. You drive in a proper cocoon sleeping bag with your arms in it...
And race me, and I'll sew a button on my shirt.
Richard
Oh let me guess... I've got to drive whilst performing an act on myself.
[laughter and applause]
Richard
It'd be a short race!
We'll leave you out of it.
Richard
Can we make it a 50 yard sprint -- [breaks down to laugh]
[While waiting for Richard in his Morgan Threewheeler to pass by]
Richard
Come on, my little three-wheeled friend.
Here he comes, ladies and gentlemen.
Doff your hats. Roll out the barrel.
JJJeremy & James
[dancing and singing Any old iron] Any old iron, any old iron, any, any, any old iron...
Richard
I am going to give it the full Stirling Moss. Ya-a-ah!
Did you see him clinging on with his elbow? You could see the sinews in his arm.
The sound is from the 1930s. Did the picture go black and white as he went past?
I'm not having you judging.
You can't play a game of Monopoly without cheating.
Richard
No, you can't. He did cheat at Monopoly.
I played these two at a game of Monopoly and he [points at James] cheated!
Richard
We played for four hours and you cheated!
Richard
You ruined the game! You made it - you robbed the bank!
There was a... [laughter] There was a bank robbery. But you don't get those in Monopoly and I thought it would make it more authentic if the bank was robbed.
Richard
You stole it!
Richard
So you're a cheat, a liar and a burglar!
[On the Pagani Huayra]
The Pagani...Pagani Hu, Huuuuuuin.
Richard
Huayra.
Huummugh. It's a stupid name!
Richard
Why is it stupid?
It hasn't got any consonants in it. Consonants are the meat of the language; if you had no consonants in your name, you'd be...I-a. And I'd be...Eeeee.
Richard
People have waited a long time for us to come back, and that's it.
Top Gear · 1,774 quotes
