Jeremy Clarkson quotes from Top Gear

Jeremy

Tom Cruise is the fastest, and then Cameron Diaz...

Oh, I've always wanted to be on top of her.

Jeremy

[applauses]...

Jeremy

It's just stupid. It's the stupidest car I've ever seen. And it gave me crabs.

Richard

What?

James

Crabs?

Jeremy

I meant cramp. Why did I say crabs? How can a car give you crabs?

Richard

I don't know! Tell us!

Jeremy

We know Saabs are driven by architects, yes? We know Audis are driven by people who play golf. We know Land Rover Discoveries are driven by murderers.

James

Ah, now...

Jeremy

What?

James

I'm going to have to pull you up on that, as I think you'll find murderers drive a Renault Espace.

Jeremy

Well, Kenneth Noye was a murderer, he had a Land Rover Discovery.

James

So he may have done, but Harold Shipman drove a Renault Espace, Fred West drove a Renault Espace, Peter Sutcliffe drove a Renault 16.

Richard

That's only because the Espace hadn't been invented.

James

Exactly.

Jeremy

This is a Top Gear top tip. If you're a policeman and there's been a murder in your area, simply arrest anyone who has a practical Renault. [laughter]

James

You know what, when you were driving with the traction control off, it looked pretty much undriveable.

Jeremy

It was. The thing is, though, after I made that film, I went to Italy with it. I drove it in the dry, and it was a lot better, but, all the time, you can sense it's plotting on new and exciting ways of killing you. You know Cato?

James

What, from the Pink Panther?

Jeremy

Yeah.

James

That's my favourite comic character, pretty much.

Jeremy

It's like that. You go around the corner. You think "Yes, I've got this, I'm holding this well." And suddenly, it goes into a massive tail slide.

James

Not now, Cato.

Jeremy

It is. You go back to a hotel room at night thinking, "Is it in the mini bar? Is it on top of the wardrobe?" You know it's going to leap out and attack you at any moment.

Richard

This is the perfect car for the job.

Jeremy

...you can't say that.

Richard

What?

Jeremy

You can't say that word, the 'C' word.

Richard

Well, I didn't, did I?

Jeremy

[laughs] no, not that 'C' word, the other 'C' word.

Richard

..."Car"?

Jeremy

Yes. You can't say that. Car here means... "Gentleman sausage".

Richard

But we do a car show!

Jeremy

Yes, but you can't say car. Or peach.

James

Peach?

Jeremy

Don't say peach.

Richard

What does that mean?

Jeremy

[gestures] "Lady garden".

Jeremy

[gesturing] So, running, then stop.

James

That describes most breakdowns really.

James

They've actually already discovered that your car used to belong to a Muslim man from Birmingham.

Jeremy

What, they can tell that just by swabbing the seats?

James

No. They found this letter.

[talking about the results of Richard's car] Again, the steering wheel had what turned out to be saliva staining on it. And lastly, we have pubic hairs, [James snorts] and, uh, faeces.

Jeremy

[laughs] I'm sorry, did you just say the word "faeces"?

What certainly appeared to be faecal matter, yeah.

James

That's poo, isn't it?

Jeremy

That's poo. It's...

James

[to Richard] Your car's got poo in it.

Richard

Is that... normal?

Jeremy

It's like driving around in a Morroccan prison, in the front of his car? [voiceover] After the forensic test, my colleagues were very distressed.

Richard

Oh, God!

Finally, it was Jeremy's turn.

Richard

He's going to have to breathe. Oh, he's done it, he's done it!

Jeremy

[his voice is high-pitched from breathing helium] Right...

Jeremy

[still in a helium voice] I just have to say that's stu... it is stupid! It's just to test how big your lungs are!

Richard

[screams] Where's my wedding ring?! I've lost my wedding ring!

Jeremy

Has it gone in the thing?

Richard

It must have done!

Jeremy

[voiceover] Soon, though, we had bigger things to worry about than Hammond's ring.

Jeremy

[voiceover] Tonight, a spaniel in a moon buggy; A fat man in a Kia;

Woah, there she goes!

Jeremy

[voiceover] and a race against the Lord God Almighty. [spoken in the car] Come on!

Jeremy

Tonight: Richard Hammond buys a cup of coffee; James May slips on some snow...

James

I hate snow.

Jeremy

...and we show a picture of Steve McQueen.

Jeremy

I don't think the factory where it's being made is very in Longbridge is Modern at all, because I've got the press release they sent out here and it says the first car was driven off the line by the only woman who works there.

Richard

That's not very modern, is it.

Jeremy

No.

Richard

Did they go on to say, "and best of all, she has a smashing pair of knockers!"

James

Don't tell me, it says next "Don't worry chaps, we'll let her drive it off, but we won't let her park it!"

Jeremy

But -- but I think there is a problem with this car... because they've called it... The Growler.

Richard

Yeah. Now... now, we... we... we Googled growler [laughter] and we were quite surprised and a bit shocked by what it turns out to mean.

Jeremy

And do you know, Richard, I've forgotten what it is. What does it mean? Can you tell the ladies and gentlemen?

Richard

Well, you know those... big welcome mats you might see on a girl in the '70s? [laughter]

Jeremy

That's what it is!

Richard

Yeah.

James

Why would you name your car after that?

Jeremy

Honestly, James, I don't think they knew. I think they're sitting in Zurich, or wherever they are. This is the first time they've realised that growler means that in England. And they'll be sitting going, "Gott in Himmel! Wolfgang, ve have accidentally named ze car after ein Fraugarten!"

James

Look, the car, the Growler... is it based on an XK? Has it got four seats?

Jeremy

No, you can't get in the back.

Jeremy

Everybody's turned over to Countryfile.

Richard

What? What?!

James

I'm not, uh, I'm not sure they're going to sell very many of those.

Jeremy

No, neither do I. There's another reason why. It costs £670,000.

Richard

Ouch!

Jeremy

Yeah. There probably will be a trimmed-down version later, but I bet you... [laughter] just for the Brazilian market.

Richard

I'm sorry. It's called a Growler.

James

There's a bloke at some point who is going to say, "I'm just going outside to wax the Growler."

Jeremy

Wax the Growler.

Richard

Oh, you dirty bugger!

Jeremy

What kind of bird can have a gallon of guano in its gut and still take off and achieve sufficient altitude to defecate on my Range Rover?!

Richard

A big one!

James

Maybe it was a flying cow.

Richard

What?

Jeremy

James, you really do live in Hammersmith, don't you?

Richard

We should bear in mind this is the man who believes cows lay eggs, and he does. He said that on the show.

Jeremy

You say that --

James

I said eggs come from cows.

Richard

Well, you see...