A character in Top Gear
Played by Jeremy Clarkson
Top Gear · 1,774 quotes
Most-quoted character in Top Gear: in 1,331 of its 1,774 quotes
Most scenes with: Richard Hammond (406), James May (323), Stephen Ladyman (5)
JeremyCan I just say how nice it is to be the elder statesman here with the grown-up car?
With those doors? "Look at me, I'm an eagle and I'm here!" Can you get an optional extra where you hit a button and CO2 flows out as you get out in a Darth Vader costume?
JeremyHammond, what is it that happens you drive a Ferrari 458 very fast -- on a hot day?
I believe it catches fire.
Yeah, yeah, only a few have caught fire.
[voiceover] Because my car didn't catch fire, Jeremy got bored and became a yobbo.
JeremyHow do you get the arse to kick out on this thing?
[After Richard and James leaves behind Jeremy to go to the hotel]
Not going to be the same without the big ape, is it?
What a bin lid, honestly!
He is a yobbo, though, isn't he? Four laps and he'd trashed it just by messing about. He doesn't think ahead.
Jeremy[over the radio] I can still hear you, you short arse! [Richard laughs]
[During the news]
JeremyAnd the big news is, James and Richard have both had a horrible accident with a Flymo.
No, no, listen!
JeremyYou must have noticed.
No - it was the end of my mid-life crisis, so I lost the hair. I'm done.
JeremyAnd you actually think it's ended, dressed as Adam and the Ants?
He's Sergeant Pepper.
I've moved on.
What would you do if I sang out of tune, Hammond?
JeremyYou can shut up, because in that film, you looked like Ted Nugent and now you look like Kojak. Where's it gone?
It is noticeable, mate.
That from a man, ladies and gentlemen, who presumably was bald until puberty.
JeremyAh, now, Rich, would you like some pussy? [laughter]
[looking enthused] Well, do I certainly..
[looking confused] Well, it wasn't on my mind right now, it is now. I... Eh?
JeremyPussy, energy drink. [showing off the canned drink]
[laughing] I see! I did wonder.
What flavour is it?
JeremyFlavour?
Leave it! Leave it!
Steady on, man. Leave it!
JeremyThe Stig has gone... We're like Genesis now.
We're not like Genesis!
JeremyWe are! And Then There Were Three!
I hate Genesis!
I hate the Stig!
[debating where they're landing]
Is it China?
Well, if they came from the east, Norfolk.
JeremyWell, I tell you something, wherever the hell that is, it's not Norwich.
[Richard is first off the plane, but the others don't follow him]
YOU BASTARDS!
[to Jeremy, who's in front of him] Did you stall?
Jeremy[feigning innocence] Yes, I did!
[a little later, after a rush from the landing plane]
JeremyDid you make it?
I'm alive! I'm hiding in a big shed!
[after Jeremy suggest to get out of Iraq as quickly as possible by going towards the Iranian border]
Hang on, isn't - Bethlehem's over here, isn't it? (while pointing at Bethlehem on the map)
Yeah.
Well, that's the way we want to go.
JeremyYes, through places like Mosul and Baghdad perhaps. Have you ever seen a television programme called The News?
Well, I'm aware of it.
JeremyTrust me, Mosul is properly dangerous.
That's really bad, isn't it.
JeremyThat's as bad as it gets anywhere in the world right now.
And that where we are? (pointing at Arbil on the map) That's where it's really bad?
JeremyWe are - less than a finger's width away. So up there (pointing to the map), into Iran, into Turkey, and then down there and that way, so we miss - we can get out of Iraq and then go 'round it.
Sounds like a plan.
JeremySo the wise men from the east are setting off east. Northeast.
Jeremy[after learning they couldn't enter Iran being from the BBC] I bet the original three wise men never had this problem.
But they weren't BBC were they?
Jeremy[voiceover] The Fiat's tyre had changed its mind about having air in it.
BUGGER!
[on a stop by the Sea of Galilee]
Jeremy[removing the bandage from James' head] You are healed. I have healed you.
Cock! You took the bandage off!
[in the stable at the end of the show] Come, let us see this child that has been born unto us.
JeremyYes, let's.
Yes...
[Hammond moves aside the blanket and gasps. O Fortuna plays as the camera reveals the Baby Stig]
... Well, I wasn't expecting that.
Jeremy...And on that bombshell...!
JeremyForgive me for saying this, but a good looking chap such yourself tends not to be funny.
[looks at Jeremy] ...You are funny.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Top Gear pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
