[During the opening sequence]
Tonight, a sausage gets burnt, a sheep falls over, and our track is all wet.
“January 30th, 2011” · Season 16, Episode 2
In this episode: Jeremy Clarkson (5), James May (4), Richard Hammond (2)
[On the Mini Countryman]
It's just stupid. It's the stupidest car I've ever seen. And it gave me crabs.
What?
Crabs?
I meant cramp. Why did I say crabs? How can a car give you crabs?
I don't know! Tell us!
We know Saabs are driven by architects, yes? We know Audis are driven by people who play golf. We know Land Rover Discoveries are driven by murderers.
Ah, now...
What?
I'm going to have to pull you up on that, as I think you'll find murderers drive a Renault Espace.
Well, Kenneth Noye was a murderer, he had a Land Rover Discovery.
So he may have done, but Harold Shipman drove a Renault Espace, Fred West drove a Renault Espace, Peter Sutcliffe drove a Renault 16.
That's only because the Espace hadn't been invented.
Exactly.
This is a Top Gear top tip. If you're a policeman and there's been a murder in your area, simply arrest anyone who has a practical Renault. [laughter]
[After Jeremy has driven the Ferrari 599 GTO]
You know what, when you were driving with the traction control off, it looked pretty much undriveable.
It was. The thing is, though, after I made that film, I went to Italy with it. I drove it in the dry, and it was a lot better, but, all the time, you can sense it's plotting on new and exciting ways of killing you. You know Cato?
What, from the Pink Panther?
Yeah.
That's my favourite comic character, pretty much.
It's like that. You go around the corner. You think "Yes, I've got this, I'm holding this well." And suddenly, it goes into a massive tail slide.
Not now, Cato.
It is. You go back to a hotel room at night thinking, "Is it in the mini bar? Is it on top of the wardrobe?" You know it's going to leap out and attack you at any moment.
[On the Stig]
Some say that he doesn't understand the word "envelope". And that he is the only woman in Britain not to have slept with Alan Johnson's policeman. All we know is, he's called the Stig.
[While eating burnt sausages between bread cooked by Jeremy, James and Richard]
SJShane Jacobson
Hmm! My grandfather was burnt less than that when they cremated him.
Did you know that barbecue is an ancient Aboriginal word for diarrhoea?
EPEwen Page
Well it will be after we eat this I tell you that!
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