A character in Top Gear
Played by Jeremy Clarkson
Top Gear · 1,774 quotes
Most-quoted character in Top Gear: in 1,331 of its 1,774 quotes
Most scenes with: Richard Hammond (406), James May (323), Stephen Ladyman (5)
Subaru Impreza, in budget, in the correct blue with gold alloys. Lovely.
JeremyWRX, this one.
It is, yes.
JeremyCould you get an STI -- in budget?
No.
JeremyP1.
No.
JeremyRB5.
Now you're just saying letters and numbers.
JeremySK1?
That's the postcode for Stockport.
[In Jeremy's Mercedes-Benz CL 600]
JeremyLet me just try the linguatronic, make sure that's working OK. [to the radio] Radio Two.
Capital. Radio 4. News Direct.
Cancel.
JeremyThat's working brilliantly. Exactly like every linguatronic system I've ever encountered. Total disobedience! [laughs]
[During The News]
JeremyYes, there's just one problem with the launch control. It is the stupidest thing ever fitted to a car.
Why?
JeremyNo, seriously, when you think about it, what you have to do to engage it, right, a series of switches. Then you put your left foot on the brake, plant your right foot hard down on the accelerator, yeah, and when the lights go green you take your foot of the brake and it goes. Computer sorts it out, as you say. So, OK, you're at the lights, [imitating loud engine noise] MEHHHH! And everyone's looking at you thinking, what an unintelligent man. [laughter]
It does makes a bit of a scene.
JeremyIt does really.
You know what the most uncivilized thing you can do with a car -- is to use launch control at a zebra crossing. [laughter]
JeremyMEHHHH! Come on, old lady!
It would hurry 'em up!
JeremyCan we just say one other thing as well, about launch control? Only one of us has it fitted to our car.
Yeah, true.
Is it, no, it's him! [both point at James, who smiles sheepishly]
JeremyJames May has launch control.
Yeah, but I don't use it.
Really?
JeremyYou don't say!
No, it's --
Are you sure? Every time you leave the pie shop, "Thanks for the pies, I'm off! MEHHHH!"
I always struggle throwing boxes away.
JeremyWhy?
Well because if you take the washing machine out of it, and fit that in your kitchen, and there's the box, all crisp and new and empty and I can't help but look at it, and part of my mind sees the potential. You look at it and you think, wow, that could be, like, a castle, or a -- you've been there! [laughter and awkward looks from Jeremy and James] Or a den, or a like car. I'm the same with shoe boxes. I don't think I've ever thrown one away ever, because you think, I could keep special things in it, or put it on it's side and you could have, like, a TV screen, or maybe you could use the big box as a spaceship and then the little one as a dashboard. Come on, you've been th-!
JeremyRichard? Are you all right? Seriously, because this is a man, with, there's no other way of putting this, with a helicopter licence.
The CAA said I was alright.
JeremyI know but, the CAA, if they're watching this, will think, "He's a madman!"
Well, it's not a real helicopter -- it's just the box his fridge came in.
Yeah, alright. I just make the noise! [laughter and applause]
[both imitating helicopter rotor noise]
Jeremy[voiceover] Meanwhile...
[over the PA system] ? La la la la la la la la la la la la la! ? [annoyed looks from the passengers]
[over the PA system] Penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis. It's my Tannoy.
Jeremy[approaching James and Richard's train] James!
What?
JeremyYour train's on fire.
Is it?
JeremyYes, it is.
Right.
Jeremy[voiceover] The foam fitting was rather disturbing.
JeremyWhy -- what are you doing? You're in my actual anus. That was my actual anus that you put your hand in.
It is a part of the programme!
JeremyThings that just happened that I didn't think would happen today. Jean Alesi, who I used to hero-worship, is playing with my genitals.
JeremyHammond, I suspect the driving position has got you in mind in a Scorpion.
Is that what this is?
JeremyYeah. £30,000. That's what it costs.
[climbing into the Scorpion] Already, I'm seeing buildings just fall down of their own free will.
[All three laugh]
JeremyDidn't James Blunt use one of these in Kosovo?
[from inside the Scorpion] It's got pedals! There are pedals.
I thought he had a guitar.
[Jeremy and James checks out a tank next to the Scorpion]
It's the Stormer.
JeremyYeah, the Stormer. Now, come on.
20 grand, maximum.
Stormer! That's a good name.
Jeremy£20,000. So this, or a Ford Focus.
Jeremy[voiceover] Mostly, they talked about health and safety so we thought we should too.
JeremyDon't have an accident.
Don't have an accident.
If you do have an accident, remember... it was an accident.
[Jeremy Clarkson decides to try using explosives to speed up the demolition of one of the houses they've gone to demolish]
JeremyFIRE IN THE HOLE!
[The explosives are detonated, there is a lot of smoke and dust, but all that falls is the door of the house which is otherwise intact]
(a la Michael Caine) You only blown the bloody door off!
[During the opening sequence.]
JeremyTonight, James asks a girl for a favour.
[slowly] No.
JeremyRichard listens to a man. And I polish a bishop.
[while checking on the Peugeot iOn]
JeremyThat's not a very big boot. You wouldn't get a dog in there. [brief pause after realizing what he just said] Discussing luggage space is like I'm back on old Top Gear.
Can I get a beard?
Jeremy[voiceover] And what's more, the Leaf can even deliver your own personal Greenpeace lecture.
[short jingle]
JeremyIt's talking! [looking visibly surprised while it speaks]
By the 12th of May, electric cars worldwide saved a total of 344,000 eco-trees.
JeremyWhat!?
And 659 tonnes of carbon-dioxide has been reduced.
JeremyWhat do they mean? What's an eco-tree? What are you saying woman?
JeremyUse some of your charm. It will begin with the word "hello". Ready? [imitates James] "Hello."
Hello. We were just wondering, we're trying to... We've got two electric cars.
Right.
[camera cuts to Jeremy, who is a short distance away from James]
JeremyJames has a way with women. I should imagine he'll be able to talk her into it, no problem at all.
[camera switches back to James]
..it's going to take 12 hours.
[slowly, after a long pause] ...No.
[while brass rubbing in the Lincoln Cathedral]
JeremyI would never normally be brass rubbing -- and do you know why I've never done it? 'Cause all the cars I've ever owned have been powered by petrol or diesel. Look [points to his rubbing], it's Hammond, only in a diving bell.
It does look a bit like Hammond, actually.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Top Gear pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
