The Venture Bros. · Season 1
Are you smoking?
Who?
You!
Why?
What-why? Are you smoking?
Maybe…
What?! When did you start smoking?
198-9ish?
So you have been lying! It all makes sense, the filled ash trays, the burning pine scented hair sprays…
I guess I’ll be the one to say it, her three-pack-a-day voice.
Could you sign this, boss? It’s for 24, he got knifed by the Moppets.
Which one is 24 again?
What?! You’re kidding, right? Let me give a hint: you know how every time you talk to me, there’s usually another guy next to me. That’s 24.
Right, right, right, the one that sounds like Ray Romano. I like him.
No no no, no apologies necessary. To all fair and love & war.
I just assumed that magic we share that night was something that was bigger than the both of us.
Nothing happened.
Well if it did happen, that was only because I didn’t know who you were.
Nothing happened.
And not many women have... hit on me because of my fame.
Nothing happened.
And some just sense the inner-animal, pheromones. Ladies pick up on it.
Nothing happened.
Are you sensing anything now?... I smell perhaps, meow!
Camp size has been estimated based on a survey conducted in 1978. All camps created after cited survey have not been taken into consideration. Rusty's day Camp is a privately owned camp. Therefore any and all children residing on the premises are to be considered trespassers. Rusty's Day Camp holds the right to prosecute any or all trespassers that do not uphold the rules and regulations stipulated in the supplied document entitled "I'm A Good Day Camper".
Hey, kids! It's time for adventure - at Rusty's Day Camp for Boy Adventurers! The largest privately-run day camp for budding super-scientists in the area! Learn adventuring from pros like Action Johnny, Master Billy Quizboy, and of course, me - Rusty Venture! Star of the "Rusty Venture" cartoon! Tell Mom you need excitement! Tell Dad you need a cashier's check! And we'll see you there - at Rusty's Day Camp for Boy Adventurers!
[as the Moppets pass by] Some people just shouldn't breed. Those're some ugly kids.
Kids? You're kiddin' right? They're achondroplastic dwarves.
And they're almost as good as you or I and they deserve this camp as much as any kid here. You're such a racist.
They're not really a race, doc.
Will you listen to yourself, Hitler?
Hank! Stop calling me pop! If these kids find out that their hero has had sex their heads will explode!
But I wanna show my new friend-
This isn't all about you, Hank. These kids wanna see Rusty Venture. Maybe when there's a cartoon called 'The Venture Brothers' it'll be different.
We can't all be famous adventurers, but that doesn't mean you have to be out of the adventure game all together.
You mean becoming supervillians?
Shiver me timbers, no! I'm talkin' about the "rubber mask" set. The Little Guys.
Do we get to wear cool costumes?
You betcha do. If you run a museum, you get yourself a glowin' suit of armor. You wanna protect your gold from meddlin' kids? You might try a Ghost-Miner-Forty-Niner. Look at me, I look like Johnny Depp!
[The boys cheer excitedly]
Oh, and that's not all. Sometimes you get to hang out with people who were famous once, like Cher and the guy who did the voice for Inspector Gadget.
[The Order of the Triad put on a safety sketch...]
Killin' Blackulas with a sword is cool. But you know what's really cool? Safety!
The Order of the Triad have many strange and mysterious enemies!
Enemies...of safety!
One of our enemies is invisible!
And he can enter any home through the ground! He's waiting for you right now in the basement!
His name is Radon! And he will give you lung cancer!
Lung cancer? But, Al, I don't smoke!
Of course you don't, Jefferson! Because smoking is more evil than the hoary denizens of the Underworld! And if you did smoke, we'd know it. Because we have a SMOKE DETECTOR in every room!
With fresh batteries! Remember: if your smoke detector doesn't work, the silence...
Could be deadly!
[They bow. As they look up, they notice that all of the children have gone.]
When did we lose 'em?
That was my fault. I really hit them with that "radon" part.
We never get to my song!
How many you have fathers? Show of hands.
[All of the children, save one, raise their hands.]
Hey, kid. Why's your hand not up? What, no father? You don't look like Jesus, bro!
My daddy died. While I was sleeping.
Oh, well you had a father. So now you're fuckin' free, man! C'mon, I wanna see those hands up! *gasp* Wait a minute. Action Johnny's hand isn't up! Does he not have a father? NO!!! Fathers are loving and caring and protective men, and I don't have one of those! But who cares, man? (breaking down) Who cares, who cares, who cares!? Maybe I did kill the dog! Maybe I was the Lizard Man who stole your precious serum! You loved that serum more than you loved me!! (falling to his knees) FATHER!!!! FATHER!!!!!
[Brock and Dr. Venture watch from a distance.]
I liked him better when he was strung out. Poor bastard.
[On the tram ride...]
We're going to use The Buddy System. The person seated next to you is your buddy. Everyone say, "Hi, buddy!"
(doing so) Hi, buddy!
If you touch something that melts your fingers off, tell your buddy! If you get a face-full of burning hydroflouric acid, it's your buddy who drags you to one of the many eye wash stations!
[Dr. Venture and Billy Quizboy are confronted by a giant gorilla...]
Don't move! They can smell fear...
Can they smell urine?
That's like liquid fear!
[Master Billy Quizboy has been mauled by a giant gorilla...]
I jettisoned the hand and got away, but...I wasn't alone in there. (holding up a child's shoe) We lost one!
Well, where was his buddy? He had a buddy, they all had buddies!
Rusty, I just saw a little kid get disemboweled!
Well, you always wanted to be an adventurer! Not like answering trivia, is it, boy?
(gleefully) A hit, eh? You want us to make 'im suffer? Or just end it, quick and quiet-like?
Nah, nothin' permanent... just, like, give him a little taste of fear. I guess you can break something small... like a toe...
We can take out his tongue..
(with relish) With a knife!
Or remove 'is 'eart...
(with great relish) Yeah, with a knife!
A bigger knife!
(with greater relish) Fucking knife!
(a touch uneasy) Yeeeeahhhhhhh.... you guys....are....kinda creepy. I think this may be a stupid idea.
How'dwe do, mum?
Great! My little moppets were perfect like always! Come give your lady a hug.
(She squats down and hugs them to her large breasts)
(leering at her breasts) I like yer new costume, mum...
(also leering) I like huggin you in your new costume....
(Pans back, showing both of the Moppets lecherously rubbing her back)
Ok you two. Time to stop...
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Venture Bros. pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
