After an insulting encounter with OSI agents in flamboyant costumes, resembling the Village People.
This place has gone to hell in a ham sandwich since they eighty-sixed the dress code.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Cow's on my side. That's 6 - 2 me.
Monster! I'll catch you yet. [yelling out the window] Show yourselves, you cowards!! This is the farm belt, let's see some action on this side!!
Cow's on my side. 7 - 2.
Unconscionable bastard!!
Oh, oh! [pointing out Hunter's window] Cemetery! You lose all your cows!!
[pulls the car over] Damnit, this side's cursed! Your turn to drive, you lurid golem!
Just keep it up, Billy. We're getting some excellent intel out of you!
What intel? I've been here a day! I haven't done any spying yet!
Sure you have! That new eye of yours? It's actually a 3-D laser-matrix holographic camera! (indicating Billy's mechanical hand) And this little pud puller stores all the data!
You guys wired me?
Are you kidding? Why, you're a walking wire! And right now, you need to walk back in there and do you God-given duty! There are no free hands in this business, son!
PFProf. Fantomos
(covering when Billy is at the door) I'm...sorry, Sheila, but if I extend the deadline for one student, I'd have to extend it for all of them.
SSheila
Well, thank you anyway, Professor Fantomos.
[Billy finds out that the O.S.I. has been doing his homework for him so he is free to spy.]
But that's cheating!
Cheating is what the spy business is all about, boychik. Why, if we don't keep our eyes on our neighbor's paper, the baddies get the bomb and the whole world goes kablooie! You keep thinking you're here on the G.I. Bill or something, kid? YOU ARE NOT HERE TO WRITE ESSAYS! You're not even in college! You are in the Office of Secret Intelligence, you damn, dirty, crybaby FREAK!
PFProf. Fantomas
Ahh! Young Mr. Wheylen! Do find a seat quickly, Quizboy. I was trying to teach your more punctual peers.
Sorry Professor... Fantomos. I had trouble finding the building.
PFProf. Fantomas
Yes, yes. It’s a great big new world for you! And Mr. Quizboy I heard you were recently exonerated, but allow me to impress one thing upon you, we do not tolerate cheating at State University. The punishment, is severe!
Congratulations lad, you’re a fully matriculated student at State University.
I kinda wanted to go to MIT
[Rips open his shirt] And I wanted to be born with big, beautiful TITS! [to Brock] Make some lemonade with this, will you?
Don't you want to wait 'til Hunter gets here? You're gonna strain your voice yelling twice.
SHSgt. Haine
Colonel Gathers has been transferred to Guam, effective 0700 this morning. Your windmill chasing days are over, Sancho Panza, you've got a new assignment!
[looks over the file Haine just gave him] Ahhh come on, this is rookie stuff!
SHSgt. Haine
Dismissed, Samson!!
What about the kid?
SHSgt. Haine
What, do you want to adopt him? I said take it on the arches.
[Brock stands at attention and doesn't say a word.]
SHSgt. Haine
Psy-ops needs guinea pigs for their memory wipe project, okay? So unlike you, he still works here.
What the hell are you doing?!
I'm pretending I'm Farrah Fawcett making her big comeback. What do you think I'm doing? I'm not gonna sleep in the bed you pleasured Phantom Limb in. I'm burning the bed and—what are these, Little League trophies, and all these self-help books?
Well, sell them! Do you have to burn 'em, it's insane!
You know what's insane? The fact that you slept with a guy who read The Secret You want the Secret? Your ex-boyfriend's pathetic. (whispers) Shh, don't tell anyone. Secret.
[Sgt. Hatred leaves the Venture Compound after introducing himself and says goodbye by pulling a gun and shooting Dr. Venture.]
(advancing on Hatred) Hey, hey!!
Woah, rubber bullets, rubber bullets! Just keepin' it lively! It's not all charts and schedules and...
[Hatred and Brock look down to see Dr. Venture curled up and bleeding profusely.]
Man, he's a delicate one, isn't he? They don't usually break the skin like that. (into his comlink) Malice Troop!
MTMalice Troop
Sir?
Yeah, we got a bleeder here. Eighty-six the non-lethal. We're goin' full Nerf on this one!
2#21
Hey! How ya feelin'?
2#24
Like a dwarf stuck a knife in me. How do you think I feel? Didja bring my.... magazines...?
2#21
No, but I brought something way better! I got somebody here who came to cheer you up!
2#24
(excited) He remembered??
(Dean, wearing a ridiculous Patch Adams costume, enters the room)
Hey there, glum chum!
2#21
(struggling not to laugh) Well, I'll leave you two to catch up!
Good idea! This area is officially quarantined. Because smiles are contagious!
2#24
(tersely, to #21) I HATE you...
(Sergeant Hatred's guests are playing a party game where they have to guess the celebrity name written on a tag on their back, based on comments from other guests.)
FSFemale Supervillian
You are married to a powerful man...
Uh... Mrs. Hulk Hogan?
FSFemale Supervillian
No. Let's see... you are famous for your pink dresses and pillbox hats...
Uh... me?
(later)
TWTuxedo-wearing Supervillian
I loved you in "Fire Walk With Me," but most know your work from...
(obviously very bored) Yeah, fine, whatever. (Pulls off his own tag and reads it to the room) I'm Harry Dean Stanton!
(everyone checks their tags)
Huh? Who the heck is.... Jack-a-leen Oh-nass-is?
(The Monarch during Sergeant Hatred's party game)
You're a brainless failure and live entirely off your father's name and fortune!
I'm George Bush?
Hardly! I've never never hated anyone as much as you!
Oh wait wait. Hitler? Did he have a famous father?
Worse! Washup! You should just admit that you will never amount to anything and drink, poison!
Oh is it... uh... Socrates son?
(After Brock ends the game)
Ahh of course, Mariah Carey. So close. Seriously, I would have gotten that.
[Everyone is playing Charades. Dr. Venture flaps his arms wildly like a chicken.]
Um..."Birdman of Alcatraz!"
"One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest!"
Um...let's see, bird...
We know he's a bird! He's been doing the same thing for five fucking minutes! Okay, my God! Go to the next word! Give me a "sounds like!" YOU'RE KILLING ME!
[#21 and Hank are outside the window of The Monarch's house spying on Kevin & Tim-Tom watching a movie]
That’s your big problem? Your scared of two little babies?
2#21
Dude! Get back, they’ll see you.
You got me all worked up. You said they had claws!
2#21
Get back! Alright, I exaggerated it a little. Did you see what they did to #24? They’re like nasty swearing spider-monkeys with knives.
Holy smokes! That lady is wearing her birthday suit! I think they’re watching, no-no movies.
2#21
They’re not, they’re watching Nell. And that’s my DVD.
Dude! I think I just saw Shindler's Dingus.
2#21
Shhh...
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Venture Bros. pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.