TV QuotesDatabase

S2

The Venture Bros. · Season 2

“Escape to the House of Mummies Part II” quotes from The Venture Bros.

19 quotes · page 1 of 2

“Escape to the House of Mummies Part II” · Season 2

In this episode: Doctor Thaddeus Venture (10), Doctor Byron Orpheus (5), Brock Samson (3), Hank Venture (3), Dean Venture (3), Master Billy Quizboy (3), Pete White (3), Osiris High Priest (3)

Team Venture find themselves trapped in the clutches of a bloodthirsty Egyptian cult and their time machine. Doc narrowly escapes and teams up with Master Billy Quizboy and Pete White, but promptly forgets to mount a rescue. So it's up to Brock and a pantheon of history's greatest men to find another way out.

(Brock and Hank have just found Dean's disembodied head inside a small pyramid frame)

What happened?

Yeah Clarissa, explain it all

That guy with the bird head, he has this mummy army, and one of the mummys has a magic scepter. Don't move Hank, he's right behind you!

What? Yep. That's just Mummy-Mum-Muggy. He's a good mummy, Dean-o. Right? Muggy friend. (scratches the mummy's chin) Muggy like his chin rubbed. Who's a good mummy?

Hank, get your brother's head and follow me. There has to be a way out of here.

Muggy might know! (continues scratching Muggy's chin) Where's the exit? Tell us boy. (Muggy's head, except for the lower jaw, falls off)

This is getting stupid! Where the hell is your father?

Orpheus, you are my best and brightest pupil, even if you do taste a little salty. You're ready, Orpheus. Now get the hell out of this closet and go win that incredibly gay contest! Go! Go!

OHOsiris High Priest

Created by Tam, the self-created, hatched by the same egg which emerged Ra, behold the Perfect Man! Praise he who will reign over all!

[Perfect Man is sucking his foot]

That's very impressive. Looks like he hates his foot.

OHOsiris High Priest

Oh, still?! He's been doing that all day!

Dr. Venture (to Dean, riding on The Perfect Man's back): Dean, stop riding the 'Perfect Man'. Brock has to kill him now.

Aww, can't we keep him?

Yeah, dad, can't we? We'll feed the Perfect Man and clean up after him and everything! Super swear! Please??

VDr. Venture

No. He's an abomination. Go ahead, Brock.

[Brock walks forward carrying a machete]

GGGoggle Guard 1

I have more bullets you know. You gotta stop doing that.

GGGoggle Guard 2

I know, it just looks so cool...

GGGoggle Guard 1

Well go get it!

GGGoggle Guard 2

Fine.

OPOsiris Priest

Give me the Hand of Osiris!

Give me head.

OPOsiris Priest

You didn't just say that!

I absolutely did. What are you gonna do about it?

OPOsiris Priest

(confused) I'm... about to kill your sons.

Join the club!

OCOsiris Cultist

Ooh yeah, of course, OIL. Yeah, it makes sense now. Thought you told me to fill it with hot voile.

OHOsiris High Priest

Wh-What the hell is voile?

OCOsiris Cultist

It's a soft, sheer fabric. I warmed some up in the dryer.

OHOsiris High Priest

What the.. are you insane? What kind of torture is that? Get out of here! I'm serious, I don't even want to LOOK at you any more!

VDr. Venture

Hank! Get off those spikes. It's not a ride.

Awwww.

I gotta admit I always wanted to get Edgar Allan Poe in a headlock. That thing is like a pumpkin!

(answering phone) Dr. Orpheus, master of mysticism.

Uh...Orpheus, it's your landlord. We're trapped in a cliché. Use your fake impossible magic to get us out of here.

TRICKS?! How dare you! With just a thought I could rise into the air.

OR you could put on these anti-gravity boots.

I could incinerate this entire lab, make you believe you are a very special episode of Blossom, and shoot lightning from my hands!!!!

Ooh! Laser ray, mind control helmet, Tesla coil. Anything else?

Fine! 8 o'clock tomorrow, right here! The smallest man is the biggest man.

Fine! Good day, sir.

Good blah-blah, sir!

And I wouldn't bother looking for that shrink ray your father built. You sold it to the albino and his tiny companion. Ta-ta.

Crap...

B1Brock 1

(formulating a rescue plan) Hank, you and Caligula keep up the rear. (Caligula moans happily and hugs Hank) On second thought, you and Freud should do it. Caligula, you take the second wave alone. Ready Dean?

(with the body of a mummy, riding on the back of the bucking 'Perfect Man' and holding two shotguns.) Woah, steady, perfect man. Ready Brock!

B1Brock 1

When the gates open me, Poe, and me, (pointing to himself from the past) rush in. You got that? (Poe gives the thumbs-up)

B2Brock 2

You're going to kill him when he shows up, aren't ya?

B1Brock 1

Oh, you know it.

BBBoth Brocks

(raising their machetes) Charge!

(entering her room, where Orpheus is opening her closet door to reveal a supernatural portal) I knew it!

ODr. Orpheus

(flustered) Pumpkin! What are you doing in... your room? Shouldn't you be... not in your room?

My whole life I've been afraid of that closet! There's always these weird lights and something that smells like a burning Band-aid.

ODr. Orpheus

Brimstone. Okay fine, porthole to the burning nowhere, you got me.

Dad! I thought I was going crazy! I mean, I'm still afraid of the closet! Still! I wear the same thing every day because of that closet!

ODr. Orpheus

Well, how was I to know?! Come now, Archie and his indolent companion Jughead wear the same clothes every day. I thought it was an adolescent phase of yours.

Great. My closet is the door to hell.

ODr. Orpheus

The Necropolis. A porthole to the Necropolis. It had to be on the south side of the apartment, and since you had to have a private bathroom... oh, this is never... (he seizes her head) SLEEP!!

Look, Orpheus, I know why you're here, and I chose the form of Argos to teach you a little lesson.

Don't you mean Cerberus? Correct me if I'm wrong, but Argos was Ulysses' dog. He had only one head.

See? See? There you go, right there. That's what I'm talking about. You're a know-it-all, and no one likes a... (one of his heads begins to lick his crotch) Wait, hold on a sec.

I only know that I know nothing.

Way to quote something I said like a year ago. But I'm serious, hold on. This other head likes to clean my genitals with his mouth. I know it sounds weird, I let him do it because it feels great. Oh yeah. The problem is that I can taste it. So, I taste my own genitals. In my mouth. It's a... conundrum.

Master, what bearing does this...

Hey, will you let me enjoy this? Damn, do you know how good this feels? Oh no, wait, I'm sorry. Your wife left you because you DON'T know how good this feels!

These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Venture Bros. pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.